You aren’t going to hell. I’ve only been on this site a short while, but I haven’t seen anything from you that would indicate you should.
And, humbly, can I request an attempt at description? What you’re going through right now sounds, without context of good or bad, incredible. For the numb, anything you can say will be enough.
Whenever I look back on my life it feels so right. Not because I want to go there but because that’s what was meant to happen. I’m talking about going to Hell. I feel like I was predestined.
But I had a taste of Heaven once, called the rainbow tunnel. I saw it when I first met God. That was in 2011. And ive been chasing the dragon ever since. (Somewhere along the way I stumbled though, and now i feel that i am back on path to Hell. I have no joy no reason to live or to smile because I will never see the rainbow tunnel ever again. Knowing that, is the worst pain in the world.) nobody ever believes me, and that is my eternal curse.
Why does that make you think you’re bound for hell? I admit, I left my own Christianity behind many years ago, but Hell was something I was taught was for the wicked.
And if you’ll allow me this, anything that predestines you to any hell is more wicked than you, or anyone, deserves.
I’m sorry Valiant. But You don’t get it. It’s not your fault that you don’t, it’s mine for not being able to put thoughts to words. But predestination isn’t unjust.
Because people do more than just go to Hell. They become it. They become Hell. And the people who go to Heaven, they become Heaven.
It isn’t cruel to let Hell be with Hell. It’s cruel to try and force Hell into Heaven. Like Matter and Anti-Matter. They can’t exist together.
I guess I’m still not clear on what makes you think you are hell, then. Or maybe, I’m still holding onto my thought that predestination is unjust. I don’t always say very much, and when I do I have a hard time getting it into words I think are right, but I do listen and watch. I’ve seen you empathize with people on this site. I’ve seen you love your neighbor. How can something that makes someone who isn’t bad wicked be just?
I…know that exhaustion too. Ha, maybe it’s funny in a way that we both have that to share. Sometimes I look at suicide and wonder what on earth could bring so many different ages and demographics and backgrounds and genders to this conclusion. I don’t think I can ever settle on a single answer for all cases, hell, I have enough trouble nailing my own down. I don’t think we’re wicked, though.
Honestly, I’ve not liked the idea of destiny from a young age. Maybe it was just dissatisfaction with the hero’s journey from a story-telling standpoint, or maybe I thought ‘this way I feel. this can’t be right.’ I don’t think it’s destiny, I don’t think the circumstances and reasons that lead us here were meant to be.
I just think they suck.
And I still don’t think you’re going to Hell. If I can impart any sort of take away from this mess of thought salad, a shit feeling doesn’t mean a shit person.
@whisker. I feel like with just reading what you can’t put into words that I relate. But i don’t know for sure. Meaning I don’t know what is what and that I would go into detail but am afraid that I could be interpreting it wrong. However although I feel like I’m relating. I grew up catholic, and still am catholic. But religion and faith and hope and love are things that I don’t really believe in anymore. Not that I don’t want to and I’m not 100% that I think I don’t believe. Ir’s just not once, but twice I believed in hope and faith which led me to keep believing love can be a real thing. But if love was a real thing then it hurts way too much to be a part of. Believing and hoping and praying. I’m not dis-ing (disrespecting) religion. Because I want to believe in it, thats how I was raised..Catholic. But after the more recent troubles of mine that I led myself to believe in because if hope, love, faith. But I’m so lost on any religion due to what choices I’ve made through what I thought love is..was.. Now this sounds like rambling.. I did have a point.. Im obviously beating around the bush instead of just saying what I mean. But I used to believe in heaven and hell and religion. But because of used to believing in faith and love and losing both because I don’t know nothing…and certainly lost my way.. I hope tgis don’t make u mad, because I know you’re a believer but. I like what you say in religious terms that I used to think similiar if not the same. But I can’t anymore. Especially after losing love the 2nd time. I feel like there is no heaven and hell anymore.. We just exist and then if we die, whenever that is.. Then its nothing. Blackness, dark.. Probably cold but then? Would I even feel cold..if there is no feeling because there I think is nothing
You’re not going to hell, you’re just starting to push out everything you’ve been keeping inside of you for too long. Trust me, even if it’s painful it’ll go away eventually. I do have to say that i’m a bit drunk at the moment, so if any of this doesn’t make sense i’m sorry, but really, you’ll be fine, and you’re definitely not going to hell. I’ve seen hell, and you need rum and coke + a couple of beers to get there.
I haven’t seen it in the flesh of course but I’ve felt part of it touch me before and it was not anything that people made words for.
(I am not special, lots of people have felt it, or at least i think so)
Part of me hopes you’re right Mf, and all of me is scared.
Drunk people don’t lie so it must be truth. Seriously tho, we all fear change too, so i guess what you’re going through is natural, i do hope that transition is the least painful possible for you, and… well, you did want to feel again, so once again life has proven it has a particularly wicked sense of humor, lol.
It is kind of like when it’s summer time and I think “I will do anything for it to be winter and cold” and by the end of February all you can think about is how much you crave the summer heat.
But also a religion friend of mine that I do talk with says.. He says if we we’re to commit suicide then the hell we think we’re already living in. Doesn’t even come close to the real torment and pain that hell is. By cutting the gift of life short, by take that action into our own hands prematurely. He says hell and torment and hell.. Is way worse.. He described it better too, than I just did. But this guy too is a believer and it’s not that I doubt him. It’s just me and him are both still alive ..so how would he really know. Aside from not just preaching or reading from the books of god. But I do think he is a good guy. And he always keeps saying to me thag he as well as me and anyone that lives.. Believers or not. Should. “just keel fighting the fine fight”. And I do like that. I like hearing that. And I want to believe in that “fighting the fine fight”.
@tiredthoughts: I’m not offended. Why would I be? Thank you for trusting me enough to share your beliefs with me. I don’t share them, but I understand them. I have a few friends that believe the same things.
@Hazy: I saw him but oddly enough he did not “steal the show” like he always does.
He was part of the thing in my ribs, though, I think. Had to be. Maybe he was the whole of it. But I felt someone jump into my body and it felt like my eyes were going to fall out and my ribs were going to break. Like my body was too small for whoever was trying to hijack me.
I remember “doors” and I remember seeing an imaginary man and a, several times, a pig. Well, a boar.
I’ve been followed around by a boar before. But it had two snouts, and three eyes, like a conjoined twin. It was a Janus pig. The one last night looked normal. I was scared of it but maybe it was benevolent. I don’t know.
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26 comments
You aren’t going to hell. I’ve only been on this site a short while, but I haven’t seen anything from you that would indicate you should.
And, humbly, can I request an attempt at description? What you’re going through right now sounds, without context of good or bad, incredible. For the numb, anything you can say will be enough.
Whenever I look back on my life it feels so right. Not because I want to go there but because that’s what was meant to happen. I’m talking about going to Hell. I feel like I was predestined.
But I had a taste of Heaven once, called the rainbow tunnel. I saw it when I first met God. That was in 2011. And ive been chasing the dragon ever since. (Somewhere along the way I stumbled though, and now i feel that i am back on path to Hell. I have no joy no reason to live or to smile because I will never see the rainbow tunnel ever again. Knowing that, is the worst pain in the world.) nobody ever believes me, and that is my eternal curse.
Why does that make you think you’re bound for hell? I admit, I left my own Christianity behind many years ago, but Hell was something I was taught was for the wicked.
And if you’ll allow me this, anything that predestines you to any hell is more wicked than you, or anyone, deserves.
I’m sorry Valiant. But You don’t get it. It’s not your fault that you don’t, it’s mine for not being able to put thoughts to words. But predestination isn’t unjust.
Because people do more than just go to Hell. They become it. They become Hell. And the people who go to Heaven, they become Heaven.
It isn’t cruel to let Hell be with Hell. It’s cruel to try and force Hell into Heaven. Like Matter and Anti-Matter. They can’t exist together.
And i am wicked. i always knew i was bad.
I guess I’m still not clear on what makes you think you are hell, then. Or maybe, I’m still holding onto my thought that predestination is unjust. I don’t always say very much, and when I do I have a hard time getting it into words I think are right, but I do listen and watch. I’ve seen you empathize with people on this site. I’ve seen you love your neighbor. How can something that makes someone who isn’t bad wicked be just?
Maybe you’re right Valiant. I don’t know. I never believed in predestination completely. I don’t know how to explain it.
Up until very recently (days) I always told myself that we have complete and total free will. Perhaps I do.
So why am I here? I don’t know.
All I know is, being “the crazy one” is exhausting. I want to die. I want to go to sleep forever. And I hope I don’t go to Hell.
I…know that exhaustion too. Ha, maybe it’s funny in a way that we both have that to share. Sometimes I look at suicide and wonder what on earth could bring so many different ages and demographics and backgrounds and genders to this conclusion. I don’t think I can ever settle on a single answer for all cases, hell, I have enough trouble nailing my own down. I don’t think we’re wicked, though.
Honestly, I’ve not liked the idea of destiny from a young age. Maybe it was just dissatisfaction with the hero’s journey from a story-telling standpoint, or maybe I thought ‘this way I feel. this can’t be right.’ I don’t think it’s destiny, I don’t think the circumstances and reasons that lead us here were meant to be.
I just think they suck.
And I still don’t think you’re going to Hell. If I can impart any sort of take away from this mess of thought salad, a shit feeling doesn’t mean a shit person.
@whisker. I feel like with just reading what you can’t put into words that I relate. But i don’t know for sure. Meaning I don’t know what is what and that I would go into detail but am afraid that I could be interpreting it wrong. However although I feel like I’m relating. I grew up catholic, and still am catholic. But religion and faith and hope and love are things that I don’t really believe in anymore. Not that I don’t want to and I’m not 100% that I think I don’t believe. Ir’s just not once, but twice I believed in hope and faith which led me to keep believing love can be a real thing. But if love was a real thing then it hurts way too much to be a part of. Believing and hoping and praying. I’m not dis-ing (disrespecting) religion. Because I want to believe in it, thats how I was raised..Catholic. But after the more recent troubles of mine that I led myself to believe in because if hope, love, faith. But I’m so lost on any religion due to what choices I’ve made through what I thought love is..was.. Now this sounds like rambling.. I did have a point.. Im obviously beating around the bush instead of just saying what I mean. But I used to believe in heaven and hell and religion. But because of used to believing in faith and love and losing both because I don’t know nothing…and certainly lost my way.. I hope tgis don’t make u mad, because I know you’re a believer but. I like what you say in religious terms that I used to think similiar if not the same. But I can’t anymore. Especially after losing love the 2nd time. I feel like there is no heaven and hell anymore.. We just exist and then if we die, whenever that is.. Then its nothing. Blackness, dark.. Probably cold but then? Would I even feel cold..if there is no feeling because there I think is nothing
You’re not going to hell, you’re just starting to push out everything you’ve been keeping inside of you for too long. Trust me, even if it’s painful it’ll go away eventually. I do have to say that i’m a bit drunk at the moment, so if any of this doesn’t make sense i’m sorry, but really, you’ll be fine, and you’re definitely not going to hell. I’ve seen hell, and you need rum and coke + a couple of beers to get there.
I haven’t seen it in the flesh of course but I’ve felt part of it touch me before and it was not anything that people made words for.
(I am not special, lots of people have felt it, or at least i think so)
Part of me hopes you’re right Mf, and all of me is scared.
Drunk people don’t lie so it must be truth. Seriously tho, we all fear change too, so i guess what you’re going through is natural, i do hope that transition is the least painful possible for you, and… well, you did want to feel again, so once again life has proven it has a particularly wicked sense of humor, lol.
You are right about that.
It is kind of like when it’s summer time and I think “I will do anything for it to be winter and cold” and by the end of February all you can think about is how much you crave the summer heat.
I wish the singing in my head would be quiet. I’m so sorry for all the things I’ve done. I just want to go to sleep.
Sorry to hear about this!
Which was worse, the numbness or the feeling of hell?
Or were they both equally awful?
Either way, I hope you wake up tomorrow feeling more at peace.
Sorry I got to the conversation a little late.
But also a religion friend of mine that I do talk with says.. He says if we we’re to commit suicide then the hell we think we’re already living in. Doesn’t even come close to the real torment and pain that hell is. By cutting the gift of life short, by take that action into our own hands prematurely. He says hell and torment and hell.. Is way worse.. He described it better too, than I just did. But this guy too is a believer and it’s not that I doubt him. It’s just me and him are both still alive ..so how would he really know. Aside from not just preaching or reading from the books of god. But I do think he is a good guy. And he always keeps saying to me thag he as well as me and anyone that lives.. Believers or not. Should. “just keel fighting the fine fight”. And I do like that. I like hearing that. And I want to believe in that “fighting the fine fight”.
Hope I didn’t offend anyone. Oh I ain’t preaching religion. I totally lost my way and beliefs in everything.
Damn. Did i just preach it..can we take my comments away? If they don’t relate or bother anyone?
@whiskered: hey there, how are you doing this morning? Is D at you again? Looks like it.
@tiredthoughts: I’m not offended. Why would I be? Thank you for trusting me enough to share your beliefs with me. I don’t share them, but I understand them. I have a few friends that believe the same things.
@Hazy: I saw him but oddly enough he did not “steal the show” like he always does.
He was part of the thing in my ribs, though, I think. Had to be. Maybe he was the whole of it. But I felt someone jump into my body and it felt like my eyes were going to fall out and my ribs were going to break. Like my body was too small for whoever was trying to hijack me.
I remember “doors” and I remember seeing an imaginary man and a, several times, a pig. Well, a boar.
I’ve been followed around by a boar before. But it had two snouts, and three eyes, like a conjoined twin. It was a Janus pig. The one last night looked normal. I was scared of it but maybe it was benevolent. I don’t know.
That would make some bad assed photo shopping.
You know it probably would. And I have nothing better to do today.
@Whisker: I wait with eager anticipation.
It is a much harder undertaking than I had originally anticipated. I may take a while.
excellent. stay distracted.