Never Ending War… I’m Still Here…

And I aint going nowhere until I feel it’s time for me to go.

I’m more determined than ever to stick to my plan.

I am filled with so much anger and hatred, it scares me. The things that run through my head scare the shit out of me. I shouldn’t be having these thoughts. I shouldn’t be having all these homicidal thoughts. But, they are all I’m holding onto right now. They are what keeps me sane. My head is all fucked up.

I live with monsters. I can see myself slowly becoming a monster as well. They keep poking. Well, I will finally poke them back.

Poke them back till they fucking bleed.

I scare even myself when I get furious. I’m filled with so much rage that when all the anger takes over, I want to hurt someone so badly, or just hurt myself. I usually hurt myself. I’ve always hurt myself when I get like this. I doubt I’ll be able to contain myself any longer.

Tuesday was a rather nice day for me. One of the days I rarely have. I was calm. I was not in pain. I was just… Okay. Then, late at night, cops show up at my house. Again. In less than 2 days of their visit. Called by whom? My fucked up miserable asshole neighbours. (I wish I had more insults to throw at them.)

I hate those sons-a-bitches with my entire heart and soul. I have never felt this was about anyone before. I fucking hate them. I HATE THEM. A very strong word, I know. One I mean and feel with every breath that I take. With every fibre of my being. I HATE THEM!

Intimidation at it’s best. Did I forget to mention our neighbours have police friends? Well, they were at my house to make more threats, with fucking AK’s and I’m not even joking. I was pissed. I was utterly and completely fucking angry. Far angrier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I was ready to die. Believe me. I was fucking ready to die.

When the cops left, I threw one hell of a fit in the house. I punched the shit out of a door while screaming at the top of my lungs. My hands are fucked up right now. My father pulled me into his arms, trying his best to calm me down.

How can I ever be calm? I practically cry myself to sleep every night for what I have put them through. I have terrible nightmares about their deaths that make me terrified to even sleep. I’m scared to be outside the house on my own. I’m a fucking nervous wreck all the time. So, how the fuck do I calm myself when all they ever do is get me worked all up like this? They are fucking hard to ignore.

And what did I do?

I pretended I was calm so they’ll get off my back. I made my previous post. I really thought it was my last post. I was ready to die. I was ready to end it all. I was ready to die.

Straight after making that post, I grabbed a crowbar and a panga (SA version of a machete). What they used (along with knives) to kill my brother. I jumped the wall that separates our houses. My father and two cousins were right behind me. I guess I was too fast for them to stop me in time. Like I said… I can barely recognize myself when I’m angry.

I bashed the neighbour’s window with the crowbar to get their attention and get them out of the house. I banged on their door with the crowbar. I got their attention alright. When they stepped outside, I tossed the machete over to their feet and I went down on my knees, with my hands behind my head.

“Kill me now!” I screamed. I was sobbing, but determined, and ready. “This is what you want, isn’t it? Kill me now. KILL ME NOW. Or I will make your lives a living hell, as you have been slowly destroying mine.”

Well… They didn’t kill me. I’m still here, obviously. My father and cousins dragged me back home shortly thereafter.

They gave no lecture. Nothing. They just sat with me while I screamed like a fucking maniac. I cried. I cried until I lost my voice. Until I lost even the strength to cry. I have never cried so hard in my life. They just held me. My mother held me in her arms. She was crying.

“What will become of me if you leave?” She asked me. “You are our last hope, Free. Our last hope to get out of this place.”

I could feel her heart pounding as she held me to her chest. She was scared. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life.

But, I’ll stay. I’m staying, for my family. They have put all their faith in me. I need to pull myself together. I need to stay alive for them. I need to finish Medical School this year and get my family out of this hell hole of a life we are living. Just one more year. One more year and I’m done. I can only hope I will make it. I can only hope they don’t kill me before then.

But, I will hold to that promise. A PROMISE. I don’t make threats.

ONE DAY SOON. I WILL MAKE THEIR LIVES A LIVING HELL!

I was not brought on this world to be walked all over by some fucked up people who barely have their shit together.

I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY.
I HATE THEM.
I HATE ALL OF THEM.