I signed up to this website, hoping to be able to use it as a coping skill. I am unable to talk to anyone about how empty l feel, and how much l wish l could take my life, but l am either too afraid to because l have failed at many attempts in the past, or l am afraid of leaving my pet cat behind. She is the only creature l am able to feel love for anymore…
I am hoping, that here l can express my pain without judgment, but with a sense of understanding. I am not sure what l want to do anymore. I am expected by so many people to push through, to keep fighting; but they never have asked me if l even want to. And to be honest, l’m not sure l want to live anymore. Anytime something good happens in my life (which is quite rare), it is just as quickly ripped out from underneath me. Does anyone else here feel the way l do? That you are EXPECTED to continue living a life full of misery due to other people’s own selfish reasons, when all you have the energy to do is give up?
I don’t know, l have been met with many disappointments; l have been used by so many people, and now that’s all l feel l am good for. In my head l realize that life could become better, and it does eventually, but that isn’t my point. My point is that l have been soaring from really high highs and then crashing into a high/low state that leaves me with horrible racing thoughts about suicide, for over a decade now. And these thoughts even haunt me in my dreams; l am not safe from them anywhere. I barely survive each Mixed Episode; and not long after barely recovering from that episode, l am thrown back into another…
I want these cycles to stop, and everything l have tried to help me cope either is short lived, or sends me into a darker/more intense episode… I have tried countless medications, none seem to last in my system for too long, or make me tail spin shortly after starting them. I have tried alcohol, drugs, other things; Hell, I’ve even tried talking to my therapist whom is no help whatsoever… I am running out of patience here… When will this misery end? I have fought against this crap since l was 12 years old; l am now 23, and l thought that by now l would be stable enough to go back and finish college, that l would have a handle on this and have an actual life… But all l am capable of so far is watching everyone else in my life grow up, move on, and live the life that l can’t right now; l’ve been left behind… So, where do l go from here? Is suicide really my only permanent sense of peace, my only option left? Somebody… Please help…
14 comments
I want to inform the people are willing to listen but most of the users are asleep right now it’s pretty late where I’m at give them a chance it’s just timing I promise you we’re all friendly and willing to lend an ear when we have free time
I want to inform the people are willing to listen but most of the users are asleep right now it’s pretty late where I’m at give them a chance it’s just timing I promise you we’re all friendly and willing to lend an ear when we have free time
Thank you. I’ll make sure to post at reasonable times, sorry about that.
There is no reason to post at reasonable times. Many of us backread posts from people who are in different time zones. Please feel free to post when you feel the need, as later might be too late for many reasons. Have you tried some of the newer generation BiPolar medications out there. I cycle extremely fast and it can be really disorientating sometimes. When I was your age my head was scrambled eggs and I watched in desperation as all my friend went on with their lives leaving me behind. It can be extremely disheartening to watch everyone leave you behind. Keep talking here it make it better.
I’m sorry I don’t know why that posted twice
Thanks, and l have tried a few Bipolar meds: Lithium did not help me, and it permanently damaged my thyroid, l have to take thyroid medication the rest of my life. I have tried Invega and Risperdol, but my cycles became overwhelming while on those drugs and l developed horrible restlessness. I tired Latuda for a brief moment, but l was sent to a mental ward to get off my meds, l wanted to see if l was better off while off of them (l was for a while, then went over the deep in). Then, l was recently (a little over a month ago) put on this new anti-depressant that came out on the market recently called Brintellix. It isn’t safe for bipolar disorder (my doc keeps diagnosing me and then changing his mind; but l have done endless hours of research and can identify with manic symptoms). Just recently, l saw my doc and told him my symptoms and he said l was hypo-manic (despite having all of the symptoms constantly for over a month), and wanted to put me on an anti-manic drug. I refused, because l was going on a road trip to see my dying grandpa. And unusual as it may be, l was more unstable while on both a safe bipolar anti-depressant AND Lithium. I am cycling through mania and mixed episodes more intensely, but l was only on a normal anti-depressant from the age of 12 on up to 18 and l had fewer manic break downs than when Lithium and Lamictal was added to the mix. I have also been labeled ADHD, and those meds calmed me down at first, but then sent me tail spinning all the way to the psych-ward. You see, l have had very bad luck with medication; which is why l am almost 100% opposed to trying any others. They either wear off in my system too quickly to make much of a difference (even 300 mg of Seroquel wasn’t enough to keep me asleep after being on it for a month), or they send me into a manic melt-down. I am still curious if you would like, to tell me about other drugs, but l am very fear ful/apprehensive at the thought of trying new ones.
The only drug that works for me is Depakote. I needed to have my blood tested every 3 months to ensure the levels were correct and I gained a lot of weight but it kept me sane. I can only describe it as someone tying a balloon string to my ankle, which kept be floating about 2 feel over the ground. I never felt up or down, it robbed me of all my creativity, but gave me back my life for a time. I was willing to trade of my creativity at the time to just get some breathing room. It gave me enough breathing room to put cognitive behavioral things in my life to use so when I felt like I was cycling up quickly I could use my coping techniques. I haven’t been on any medication for 9 years, however I do not recommend that unless you are dedicated to using all the non medical things daily in your arsenal.
I was also on klonopin at the time and after I weaned off Depakote I kept the klonopin which was a big mistake. way too much fun taking handfuls of them whenever I wanted a legal high with no hangover. I haven’t had a klonopin RX in 9 year ever. I miss it so much.
We all understand in our own way. There is no simple answer. All i can say is that the more you can attempt to love yourself the more manageable it all is. Medications are double edged swords. Ive been dealing with it for 2 decades and its horrible. I could end it myself in a few days (weeks). But i like you know i always have the potential to make things better. There is always a reason worth living for. It isnt always visible but it is always there. Feel free to post any post youd like here. We care and understand.
Thank you, l really appreciate the support.
Holy shit that first paragraph is literally me, even the cat part. The only difference, from what I’ve read, is our age (I’m 18). I’ve had to drop out of HS now when before I thought I would be in college at this point. I have BPD so my episodes are very similar with constant jumps of emotions that I can’t deal with.
Not knowing where to go and what to do is one of the worst things for me.
Welcome to SP. This site is the only thing that helps me cope, I hope it helps you too.
Thanks so much for replying. It’s a comforting thought knowing l’m not alone with struggles of BPD. However, this illness is something l would never wish upon anyone; it’s the stuff of nightmares. Try to hang in there, and I hope things get better for you. Maybe we can talk sometime; despite the fact that I tend to talk a lot, I’m also a pretty good listener.
No problem, I’m always down to chat 🙂
I can somehow relate about the pressure and watching all friends move on with their life. Time helped solve some of that stuff and about some other things I honestly stopped caring, but I still have to deal with the rest and all the new challenges that life stuffs down my throat. I’m not really good when it comes to giving advice but for sure I can and will listen.
Thank you, l apreciate your honesty. To be honest, l’m not good at giving advice either.