I have Social Phobia ( aka social anxiety), I always been the shyiest guy in school, college,diferent jobs. Missed classes in college cause of it, quit jobs cause of conflit due to bad comunication with others. Been to many job interviews and failed because of being so nervous, that since 2010 I tought I have to quit life, didn’t know when or how, but had to.
So I just tried to meet new places and walk a lot, while also searching for ways of dying. All of them seem painful so I ended up thinking maybe I could just buy some syringes with a large width needle to drain blood quickly, and run it till the carothid arthery in the neck and do it’s job. It happened in 2013 ,couldn’t take it anymore, I pierced the syringe in about 8 diferente places and wouldn’t reach anything, no blood came out at all. I even tried the veins on the side of the neck that are clearly visible and couldn’t pierce them. So instantly and distressed I tought on dying of starvation and thirst because as I red, it only takes 3 to 5 days. It’s a lie. First time, I was at home, for 11 days without eating or drinking water, and instead drinking vodka and whiskey ( to dehidrate faster), and my parents showed up. I tried a second time months later, didn’t eat for 35 days, was about the first 10 days without water, and after that I would drink little bits of water every two or day and a half, because it’s so hard to resist. I would alucinate with drinkin every sort of very cold carbonated drinks, juices,eat fruits, going to a river fontain in a montain just to drink clear mineral water. At around day 30 I started vomiting gastric fluid(because the stomach was empty) and it burned all my throat,esophagus,and stomach.At that point every water I drank i would puke, I was at the end there. Then at day 35 my parents showed up.They took me to the hospital and I was interned and started taking psychiatric appointments .When I was out, I tried a third time. In this one I got a kidney stone for being so dehidrated, at about the 20th day, It was so painful and lasted for 3 straight hours that I tried to drink water to relieve, and it did. Afraid of another kidney stone and any other pains i quit it at day 34. Meanwhile this years I tried to hang myself many times with a rope tied on the pole of my bed, with my knees on the floor and my body falling foward. I would just get slightly unconscient, my left side started shaking a lot, but then all stops and i dont fall unconscient , I don’t know why. It is said to be a peaceful death despite the fact that your body suffers some serious convulsions, but you’re already unconscient.
7 comments
No one is going to help you kill yourself.
I have social anxiety too, just keep trying to get past the anxiety.
Eventually it will lessen and you will be able to live your life.
I’ve been to 2 psicologists for about a year and half each, 3 diferent psychiatrists, I’ve had group therapy with other people that suffer from Social anxiety too…I just don’t get improvements. My last psychiatrist said I had schizophrenia and avoidant personality disorder.
I don’t think I have schizophrenia because I don’t hear or see people that are not there, nor have sensations in my body.
What do you do to deal with SA?
I’ve had 7-8 different psychologists, plenty of psychiatrists, I’ve done a lot group therapy especially when I had to live in a residential for almost a year because of truancy. Trust me I know the feeling of being stagnant and it truly is horrible.
I used to get panic attacks at least 2-3 times a day when I was trying to act functional (I would be able to hold it in and I’d break down somewhere isolated I.e restroom or empty class).
Unfortunately I’ve become mildly agoraphobic now.
But that’s because I gave into the urges of my anxiety and I let my other issues consume me as well.
The sad truth is the only way to get through SA is to push through it, and trust me I know how
impossible that sentence is. You know the things we say we would never do or could do because it would be too much for us, we have to do them. Even if they break us we have to keep going until we don’t notice it anymore. It might be a slow horrifying journey, I know it was for me, but It wont physically kill us. I am able to control my panic attacks significantly better now.
I still have my journey and you still have yours.
But once you push through it, you will finally have freedom.
By the way schizophrenia is extremely broad and has far more symptoms and reactions,
I have met many that suffer from it but is almost impossible to tell, you can live a normal life with it but you need to willing to work with it or it could get worse (obviously not implying that you have it just want to be informative).
I was reading about schizophrenia, apart from the symptoms that I knew more of(alucinations,hearing voices,etc) I think the rest is very generalised. Yes they relate to me, but they relate to many people sick or healthy. I’ve never taken drugs, some people that have alucinations and hear voices did.
I’ve met people that can say they have progressed just like you. They feel better ,they handle situations better, they like what the therapist say to them. But I don’t, I have the same anxiety peaks since before I started having threatment. I guess I’m a diferent case.
Not supposed to discuss methods on this forum.
I’ve never been so into anything as you are able to. You have one of the strongest will powers I’ve ever known of.
Life’s got mysteries like this, one person may die in the silliest way, and another can’t die, not even trying this hard. Like if we weren’t able to decide. And you are even healthy.
I hope you do, so if you survive another time, find a way to avoid direct social contact and aply your will power on some project. Because you are really strong.
Sorry for your pain, and sorry I can’t help you
Thank you for your words.
You’re right It’s like somebody didn’t let me die ,and to say the truth, wants me to suffer more. Because I had so much bad luck in specific times.
I’m not strong, I think any person can resist death more they can imagine. I was surprised, more to say disapointed it took so long…