This last week I was trying to be positive and for a few days I even convinced myself I was geting somewhere, forcing things, denying I was going through the wrong way. But I can’t help hurting myself. I always end up doing it. I turn everything against me and then I crush myself with every drop of energy I have. I can’t deal with me, with the things I say, and the decisions I take. I even hurt myself writing here things I shouldn’t. and talking to people about how ridiculous I am, and I say it as a matter of a fact and people know I am not ok.
A few friends told me it wasn’t sane, the way I live and the way I face things. I thought it was funny. But I know it’s true.
I am out of control. And that makes me feel so wrong and sad and desperate.
If you look for help all they say is you need to help yourself. But I am my worst enemy. I don’t know what to do.
How can I hate myself so much?
4 comments
I know the feeling of self loathing all too well. I wish I could take your suffering away. For me I grew up with parents who hated me and a mother that used to say if she could’ve spoke English sooner she would’ve got an abortion. I was made to feel guilty for being born and that I couldn’t do anything right. The thing is it isn’t fair to let other people and circumstances dictate our self worth. I have read many of your posts here so I know that you are an amazing and compassionate person. You do not deserve the hate that you direct at yourself. It helps me to read something positive sometimes like a book on spirituality or Buddhism or whatever you can find some peace in. I try to read things that will help train my mind to be more positive. It is an uphill battle but it can be done. You are a very unique and special person. I pray that you will begin to see that.
Dyinginny thank you so much for saying this. Nice words always help me a lot. and I will try your advice and find helping readings. I am trying to read again now after a few months.
I am sorry about your relationship with your parents, it must hurt you, I know what parents say has a great weight in our lives, but you are right, that can’t dictate our self worth.
I can see you are a special person too. Thank you for your prayers. I’ ll pray for you too.
I took a Big Five personality traits test online. It was actually quite informative: apparently I’m very open (to experience), not conscientious at all, not extraverted, agreeable and very neurotic.
I find it a bit more helpful than some diagnosis. I mean, here I can see what my problems might be: I lack self-discipline, I isolate myself too much (both physically and by not opening up) and I’m very neurotic. That makes it easier to work on changing than just being told: you have this diagnosis and have to take these pills or something.
I know only to well the vicious cycle of self-sabotage and how it eats away at the soul.
Hugs
Self-discipline is my nemesis hahaha. But I have it clear. Guess that’s all, I am just lazy and weak. I read most of people’s stories here and I know I can’t compare to them in streingh and on the size of their fighting.
Thanks and hugs for you too