I wish I could be myself around other people. Unfortunately, ‘myself’ is a complete piece of shit. And while there are things I can do to moderate that, I can’t see it ever changing.
So my life is artificial. I can’t let anyone else see who or what I really am. What goes through my head. Because it’s fundamentally unacceptable. I am completely alone. I can’t let anyone see the fear. Because if they see the fear, they might start asking what I’m so afraid of. What is so awful that I feel so anxious about?
So my whole life is an act. It has been for so many years now. It feels like such a waste.
I wish I could just live. Be in the moment, without the constant awareness that if those around me knew the truth, I would be rejected.
This isn’t a life. It’s something else. A hollow kind of dance. Any real life in me ended years ago, and I just kept plodding on, pretending not to notice.
I can’t let go of the idea that at some point this will magically end, and I’ll somehow be able to face the world again. But there’s nothing I can think of to make that happen.
So really, this is just pointless self-pity. Fuck it.
8 comments
“I can’t let go of the idea that at some point this will magically end, and I’ll somehow be able to face the world again. But there’s nothing I can think of to make that happen.”
Then bide your time until you can. When I read your posts, I see good. The good will come to you. Karma is real. There is no good karma, or bad karma, there is just karma. You seem so trapped. Your love. Your affection. Your inner beauty. There is so much self hatred, how can anyone see the real you? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking… how old are you? And what is it that you’ve done so wrong in your life for everyone to see you as some outcast, verboten, shell of a human? I will remember you, thehusk, and I will be sending you my love when you’re on my heart.
And so what about self pity? you’re entitled to it just the same as the rest of us whiners. No one is here for the “Sunshine and Rainbows Parade”, we’re all just here to vent on an old, shitty, suicide blog. Frankly, to me, it’s nice to not feel so alone in my own personal self hatred. So, thanks.
Best of luck, whatever your fate may be.
Thanks for this. I guess I will continue to bide my time, but the little hope I had has drained away over the years. It’s just hard, watching life pass you by. Seeing all the things you could’ve been. I’ve sealed myself off from anything meaningful, and I can’t see any way back.It hurts.
I think there is good in me, but I am not a good person. One moment I am all good intentions, the next I am cold, calculating, and purely selfish. There is no consistency to me. I will say one thing one day, and mean it, then the next do the exact opposite.
I am 28. I have been in this state for over 8 years. If I could tell you what I’ve done (and still want to do), then it wouldn’t be an issue. But I can’t. I’ve tried confessing to people in the past, but it didn’t make it seem any less awful. There are some things you just can’t make ok – that people can’t accept, and shouldn’t. Talking about it just makes it more real in my mind – makes me feel more hopeless. I can’t take it.
For many people, self-hatred or low self-esteem is a product of their mistreatment by others – they feel a need to rationalize the abuse. But for some, I think it’s an accurate sense of how the community would react to an unacceptable aspect of their personality or behavior.
I feel as if I wrote all this including your comment myself. I know exactly how you feel. I’m the same exact way. I often find myself wanting to change my ways and find myself but it seems impossible. This is one of the many reasons why I just want to stop living…i feel like I’m wasting my life and idk…I wish you all the luck though.
TheHusk, WTF. Sorry to start it this way. But what you just wrote is so like me. Made a post on how much I hate myself.
I can’t tell you anything helpful since I’m in the same boat. I’m in need of help to be in touch with myself again. Be in touch with the world again.
For me, the way I am is a part of my fucked up personality and the people around me also had a great influence in all the dark thoughts that run through my head and the way I react around people. The thoughts have probably always have been there, suppressed somehow. I feel I can never fully live life because I can never reveal the real me to anyone who would understand. Whenever I try to, people give me these weird looks and label me as weird. I don’t anymore.
So I pretend to be a person I’m not. I act as normal as I possibly can. Put on a happy person mask so people don’t realize how fucked up I actually am. Pretending is hard and very exhausting. I can’t be me in a world like this. I don’t feel alive anymore.
I wish I had something to say that could possibly make you feel better. But I have nothing. Just that, you are not alone. I can only wish you the best in life.
Hugs.
Ylem, I think if the thoughts that make up the real you are even possible to express to others, then there is hope.
There’s nothing necessarily wrong with being weird, or dark. The world is a weird, dark place. Unless you think the majority of your thoughts and feelings are potentially damaging to the wellbeing of others.
If you can imagine meeting other people with the same thoughts, and being ok with them, then there is hope.
For me, it’s been a long time since I could imagine being ok with someone who accepted who I really am. Because who I really am is unacceptable. I’ve had to keep friends at a distance, because if they knew the truth they would hate me. And they would’ve been right to. These were open-minded, accepting, caring people. But I wouldn’t want them to be ok with the real me. The real me is toxic. I wouldn’t want to know someone else like me.
I would say keep searching for someone who can understand and accept the real you. They may be well-hidden, but surely it’s worth it. If I didn’t feel it was logically impossible for me, I would be out there searching myself.
What is that part of you that you need to hide?
It’s not something I can face talking about, even to strangers on the internet. I went through a phase of trying. I talked about it to a wide variety of people, from therapists to those with similar feelings. All were understanding, and tried to be non-judgmental. It didn’t help. Every time, it just reconfirmed the feeling that there was no way to make it ok. However much guilt or fear I may have about it sometimes, it’s not going away.
Consciousness is linear and only capable experiencing only a sliver of who we are.
Is this perhaps why we feel as if we are not being our true selves? capable of only catching glimpses of possibilities.
And If I am pretending, and pretending is a part of the whole is that not also a part of who I am so is it pretending if that is a part of who I am.
We all have roles to play – mother, father, brother, sister, friend, wife, husband, worker… and all roles require certain aspects of ourselves. the mistake we make is failing to see that we are more then the sum of our parts and that each part is valid, not a pretense