It’s kinda funny

Most of my life its been assumed that i would be the first one, and probably the only one, of my siblings to have a child. i mean, i love kids, everytime i see a baby, i have to hold them because theyre so cute and tiny. i’ve sort of wanted children too, to be able to raise a kid. but i know i cant do it. i cant do that. i cant because i know i will screw that child over. i am not fit to be a parent. its funny though, because my sister, who has disliked children her whole life, is pregnant. its funny because i always expected her to be the person who has an abortion or to at least give the child up for adoption if she got pregnant. but no, shes going to keep the child and she and her boyfriend are going to raise it. im in a marriage and family class and from what i learned from that class, and from what i know about my sister, is that it is very likely that a year from now, that child will be dumped here, at my parents house because my sister and her boyfriend will break up and she will not want to keep that child. that i know for sure will happen, there is a very small chance that will happen. i hope to be gone by then, by either death, or moving far away from here. those are my only two options that will make everything better. and if i move away, and my life goes on, my parents will expect at one point for me to have kids, because thats just been expected of me every since i’ve shown a fondness of children. but the problem with that, is that i know i will fuck up that kids life. i may not even know if i fuck up their life, my parents sure as hell dont know how much the fucked up my life. i cant risk that happening. i cant risk creating a life and for that kids life to turn out like mine. no one deserves this life.