This is my last chance. My last post. My last idea to change hope for the future. My life has had many happy and not so happy moments, and that’s what is getting to me. I may still be young, but no one not even myself knows everything I’ve been through. You may find no interest reading something like this, but those who do, I suggest you read everything.
My name is Mike. I am 17 years old, and have lived through a lot in this so far short life. I have two medical conditions: Moebius and klinefelters. If you say me in real life, my moebius shows why I cannot close my mouth or look side to side. My klinefelters show how I can’t perform like everyone else. I consider myself different.
When I was born, I had a slim chance of surviving. Actually, I was supposed to die and feel no pain, unlike how I feel right now typing this towards you. The doctors said I could go home, but my parents refused (lucky me). That night while I was in the hospital, I lost breathing, and would’ve been gone by morning if I wasn’t still there.
I have had 7 surgeries throughout my life and body, and I know my experience isn’t the worst, and others I know have been through much worse. They’re living their lives happily, while I am not. I just hope you can understand what I am going through.
During my years of schooling, elementary was definitely the easiest. Middle school was where I started to struggle, but that’s nothing compared to what is happening now.
Starting high school didn’t seem that bad. I stayed in Band, and ended up joining Bowling and Tennis. These were the reasons that kept me alive. I loved both these sports and activities, and knew I had another three years to make them great.
But here is where my problems began. Everything building up to high school, made you think that it would be way harder, and a whole new experience. Oh for sure that was true. I started failing assignments, and my parents started losing hope in me. Freshman year went by, and then came sophomore year. I lost my main group of friends, and that killed me. I am also a boy scout, and that’s how I found the group. I am currently working towards achieving the highest rank in this: Eagle Scout. They started going to things and talking about them to me, and just started ignoring me. I didn’t have many friend in real life, so I found some temporary friends online. I played xbox, and found a group called Tz. We were a call of duty “clan”, and I found some of my best friends through there.
Months passed, and members came and left. I ended up leaving right when everyone was about gone, but those who helped me through my problems stayed. Coley, Rem, and Autumn were my only true friends left. Oh yeah. During that year is when I started having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t have the courage to follow through with my temptations, even though I wanted to so badly. I kept telling myself maybe I’ll be happy in the future. Maybe there’s..hope.
Here I am, struggling through my junior year. I have a car that has been taken away from me, like everything else. I have gained new friends, of which I don’t want to tell about my suicidal actions because I don’t want them to leave me. I just failed another test, and am currently failing two classes. It is February 25, 2016. I have no hope in myself anymore, as it has been lost through my actions. I have tried everything to change, but nothing has prevailed. I don’t want to experience pain. Just looking for an easy way out.
Maybe they’ll save money..
Maybe it’s for the better….
Maybe I never belonged here in the first place!!!!!
…
..
.
Maybe there is still hope
A future
A sign of living.
Or maybe I’m still the hopeless ugly child who deserves to die and be like the others to give up.
I don’t know anymore, and this is my last way of seeing what’s worth it.
I have never been in a relationship, so I won’t be hurting a loved one through my actions. I am too shy to even ask out the one I am in love with.
This is my last hope to you all, to see what’s left for life beyond what I have experienced.
My name is Mike Gonzalez..
I love you Jenny…
..
They said I couldn’t…..So I did!!
7 comments
I read your post and kind of didn’t knew what to answer if i’m honest. I don’t mean to sound rude, but there’s always the chance that someone just makes up crazy stories to get a quick laugh in here, but by the time you took in writing your story i’m guessing that you’re being honest there.
That said… well, i’m guessing that there’s not much that i can’t tell you that you haven’t already thought about. You’ve faced some big odds (i know the symptoms of the conditions you mentioned) and even if you continue facing them, you’ve still managed to score some big wins, which even people with no problems struggle with. I know what it’s like to lose faith in what the future might bring, but if you’ve already accomplished so much and gotten that far, i don’t see much of a reason to give up at this point. Yes, you’re struggling with studies, but many people do, regardless of their condition. Yup, you’re bound to struggle even more in the future… we all do.
I do want to clarify that i’m not dismissing your pain by what i just wrote, i’m just saying that even if you were in complete health, there’s a chance you’d still struggle with some of those things. Studying isn’t easy, even for gifted people.
All things considered… do give it a big thought before attempting anything radical. Your parents didn’t give up on you back then, and i’m pretty sure that regardless of your struggles, they still love you and wouldn’t want for you to give up. People come and go by the way, regardless of who you are or what your condition is… that’s just part of life.
I do wish you find the strength to go on and once again, beat the odds. You’re still fairly young, so there might be better things on the horizon, but you’ll never know unless you’re there, and i do hope you get there.
I’m just too scared to do anything to myself. I’ve tried standing by the train tracks and watching the train go by thinking why I didn’t jump in front of it. I don’t want my parents to find out about this view I have, because I don’t know how they would react. Just too many fears, and not enough time to react to all of them.
Yeah I am serious with the post, and I say thank you. It was a shot in the dark to post on some random page I just googled, but thanks for answering honestly. I don’t want to die. I love my life. But, some things that go on make me think otherwise.
There’s always going to be bad things, regardless of who you are or what is going on around you, but you sort of kinda said it already, you do love your life and don’t want to die. Have you considered looking for a therapist so you could discuss more freely the things that are affecting you? if you haven’t maybe you should consider it, at times they do help quite a lot.
In any case feel free to keep sharing in here, and to comment on other people’s posts as well. As for the jump tracks… yeah, i’d recommend against it. A family member did that a few decades ago, and he survived, only to end up worse because of it. So… yup, better look for help and exhaust all possibilities first.
Thank you.
Please don’t give up. I know its hard right now and you probably feel like going to last forever but it’s not and i know a lot of people say that but i’m serious don’t give up. If you ever need somembody to talk too i’m here
Please don’t die. You sound like a good kid. You should ask jenny out. There is no actual consequence to it. If she says no at least you know how she feels and there is the possibility she could say yes. Im sorry for the pain you have had.