I was first diagnosed with depression over 20 years ago. Life has been up and down since then. I’ve had some fun, but I’ve often felt isolated and alone. I’ve had social anxiety that has made making friends difficult. After college I married the first the first person who showed an interest, which was a bad idea. She turned out to be abusive and had her own mental health issues. Eventually she moved out and we divorced.
After that relationship, I eventually met someone else who is kind, but unable to hold down a job. My life has been going down hill since the relationship began four years ago. She has her own mental and physical health issues, and trying to support her has ruined my physical, mental, and financial health. I’m overwhelmed at work and I barely sleep. I don’t have the energy or even the motivation to eat right or exercise or get out. I don’t have any real friends to open up to, and I feel really isolated.
Despite the years of depression, I hadn’t ever really been suicidal until the last few months. Now it’s my all-encompassing focus whenever I’m not actively doing something else. I don’t see a future for me; there’s nothing I want to do or achieve; there’s nothing I’m excited about now or in future. I feel like I’m just on the edge waiting for the next thing to go wrong to push me over.
22 comments
But do you love her? Because you don’t sound like you like being with her, but I can’t really tell….
It’s a complicated question. I want her to do well and be happy, but she’s made a lot of empty promises. And I don’t see a future. Unfortunately, she doesn’t really have any other options either, and I feel like I can’t just abandon her.
I feel you… Rock/ (you) \Hard place
Thanks, Alan.
Why can’t you? She have her own issues but you must come first, you can’t let this relationship kill you, first of all because it sure feels terribly bad and you sure don’t want to keep feeling like this (i suppose, if you are thinking about stopping it all) and secondly because you both deserve another opportunity to solve things. .. each one by on their own. Is that possible?
Anything’s possible, and you’re right that I shouldn’t let this kill me.
I actually tried to break up several months ago, but it didn’t take. She had nowhere to go, so I said she could still live with me. Like I said, I don’t really have any friends, so I was just sobbing over losing the only the person I interact with regularly. Eventually, we told ourselves convincing lies and stayed together. So now I’m gun shy about how terrible that went and about going through another awful divorce.
Also, at this point I also don’t see a future by myself, so I don’t even know if there’s a point in leaving. I don’t want kids. I hate to travel (partially due to my weight) and I feel like I’m just killing time and the only real reason I haven’t killed myself is because I don’t want to hurt the people who care about me. But guilt is a pretty unfulfilling reason for living.
Two things,
Does she knows how you feel?
Hey I know what you say about not liking to travel because of your weight, I stated walking and now I love it, maybe you can try it, don’t think of it as exercise just as killing time. When I walk I don’t care about anything else, not about people, not about me… I don’t know, it is just nice.
I think someday I will go hiking for real.
A little change like that one can make a big diffeence sometimes.
Hope it helps
It sounds to me as if you have your priorities wrong.
You’re putting your partner’s needs before your own.
You aren’t prioritizing your sleep.
That leads in only one direction: burnout. And worse.
I struggle with this, okay, but you HAVE to put your needs first. If you ever want to be anything for anyone (without dying in the process), you have to keep yourself functional and motivated (happy).
I struggle with this concept, since I also believe we’re inherently altruistic, and maybe it’s more complicated than I think.
All I can say is this: my mother put her children before herself, and although I’m sort of grateful, I would rather she had been happier. My father put my mother before himself (at least, that’s my interpretation), and although I’m grateful for his sacrifices, I’d rather he had been happier.
I’ve put others before me my whole life, and tbh I don’t think I’ve been a whole lot of help, and I have certainly been pretty miserable.
I’m not sure we should all be emulating Jesus.
You’re right that I almost certainly have my priorities wrong, and I appreciate the advice about putting myself first.
However, I do prioritize my sleep. I’ve gone in for sleep studies, talked to a neurologist, PCPs, and my psychiatrist. I take sleep drugs and have a CPAP and try to avoid blue lights before bed. I track my sleep with the fitbit and then journal it daily to record trends. I’m almost always in bed for 8+ hours but I typically only sleep 3.5-5.5 per night, and I feel exhausted nearly everyday.
I’ve definitely reached the point of burn out. Over the last couple of months I’ve been crying more and more frequently in my office and while driving in the car. The thought of the work I did to do just makes me burst out in tears.
Wow, that is pretty dedicated.
I would say that is a major handicap, it sounds like you need some serious assistance, rather than keeping on working and caring for your partner?
Well, I’ve gotten pretty much all of the medical assistance available. My parents and my brother don’t sleep well either.
Exercising regularly could help my sleep, but I’m so tired and overwhelmed with work that it’s hard to find the time or the energy.
It’s a double-edged sword because I don’t think I have the mental or emotional energy to go through with breaking up with her, and I obviously don’t have the energy or skills necessary to stay.
Well have you spoken with her about you feel? Have you spoken to your employer about how you feel?
I recognize it’s a different situation, but I reckon it’s better to be straight up about where you’re at than to just grit your teeth and go down with the ship (or something).
I really appreciate the support Moneypenny.
We have talked about a number of times.
I agree about walking. I have a fitbit that I use to track my sleep and steps. I like it, but I think it may make me focus too much on the sleep statistics. For example, if the fitbit says I only slept 3 hours last night, but I felt like I slept ok, is it just making me feel worse to have number associated with it.
Easy, throw that fitbit away, if it was me it would turn me nuts hahaha.
Walk and sleep as much as you feel or as much as you need. No more, no less.
And keep on talking about it, I know I am one of those people who discovered talking a little ago, but as I see it she still needs to understand this is not working for you, and you need to conprenhend it too. She is not your only option. Idk
I like my fitbit too much to throw it away. The sleep tracking may be counterproductive, but I do like tracking steps or exercise and even does heart rate.
Jaynecobb you know what happens some times? That exercise, actually gives you more energy than the one it takes.
And yeah, now i’ve read how that ftitbit works and totally get what you mean.
You are a nice guy.
By the way some breakups make people feel better and free. Js
That’s totally true.
When I get really upset, sometimes I just want to run to burn off my feelings. And it can totally work. Unfortunately, running gives me back pain (I have scoliosis and have been rear ended a few times) and knee pain (I’ve had multiple knee surgeries).
The stationary bike just doesn’t feel the same.
That’s something I really can’t deal with, static bicycles. 🙂 totally get you.
And sure we are not going to solve anything in a day after you have thought about it a thousand times, but do give yourself another opportunity before you keep feeling down. If everything is going to be over, why not trying some radical changes before?
Yeah, I always like the Game of Thrones quote:
“There is only one thing we say to death: Not today.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqihaEPq_lY
🙂 I guess there’s a good point there
“I don’t see a future for me; there’s nothing I want to do or achieve; there’s nothing I’m excited about now or in future.” Yet, here you are posting; reaching out for a reason — still searching for hope, still wanting a future, I believe. Why do you say that there is nothing that you want to do or to achieve? I believe there still is something, it is just buried DEEP down within yourself and that is why you’re “crying out”, still searching for it, otherwise you would have already checked yourself out. You do not feel finished just yet. You may feel hopeless because of the depression coupled with your circumstances and situation. I think that you can turn this thing around if you want to. Put together a good game plan and you can make it happen.
Thanks for the reply, October_rain. You make good points, but the biggest reasons I haven’t already checked out don’t involve hope for the future. They are
1. Don’t want to hurt the people who care about me.
2. Squeamishness.
3. Related to 2, I’m afraid of failure since the failure mode of most suicide methods is severe mental and/or physical disabilities.
But you’re right that I do want help. I have a therapist and psychiatrist I’m working with. I suppose I have hope for potentially having hope in the future.