When I try to get my head around the idea of ending my life, I can’t imagine going through with it. Letting go of all the possibilities of existence. Everything suddenly starts to seem precious. Every moment, every minor positive experience, becomes meaningful. How could I leave a world with such beauty in it? A world containing fluffy clouds on summer days, rolling hills, and a sky full of stars. A world full of music. How could I not hang on for as long as possible, just for the chance of another moment like that?
The problem is maintaining that feeling while interacting with society. You find yourself wanting things beyond your grasp. And they feel like the only possibly meaningful things in existence. So your thoughts become diverted to desperately searching for some way to change what you are, so that you can get what you feel you need. Because what else could matter? But you find no solutions, so eventually your exhausted mind returns to a final solution. You are the problem, so you must be solved – removed from existence.
So you bounce back and forth, between mind states, unable to let go of existence, but also unable to let go of the things you torment yourself with.
I suppose maybe what I need is to find a way to interact with people without caring – without wanting anything from anyone. Then maybe I’ll be free to appreciate the beauty of the world, without my mind always being elsewhere.
2 comments
I agree wholeheartedly. Social constructs are a huge part of why many people feel so inadequate nowadays. So you don’t make a great living? yeah, you should aspire for more. So you don’t have a family? yeah, you should get your shit together. So you don’t have a significant other? jesus, there must be something wrong with you!
Funniest thing is that even when you realize all of that, it’s still hard to go against it. I mean, you’re taught those things since the day you’re born, so it makes sense. Expecting less from others is partly a way to go, but there’s also the expectations you hold about yourself. Not that i’ve found a way to deal with all of that, but hopefully i will at one point (and so will you). Thank you for sharing this btw, really enjoyed reading it.
I identify with your posts. You do a good job of articulating your experiences and sentiments, many of which I share. We’re also the same age.
If you stop posting here I’ll wonder what happened to you.