There are basically 2 kinds of people: Those who are satisfied, fulfilled, at peace with life and eventual death. They cruise through whatever bumps, minor or large, that life throws at them. Through it all they have strength and resolve to go on with life, good or bad. They find or are handed success and somehow they get to live full lives with intimate relationships and lots of good times.
Then there are the others. The ones like me. We never fit in.
We seem to carry pain around with us. Life never really feels “right”. We have more questions and anxiety than our counter parts. Finances, love, success, and any other societal and planetary rewards seem to elude us. Always. Yes, tiny moments of joy happen, but they are far and few in between the deafening silence of loneliness, isolation, social castigation, financial instability, medical issues, abuses and general malaise attributed to birth conditions and series of events that seem to conspire to keep us locked in our little hells no matter how hard we try to get out.
What is this? I have no one in this world save for a few siblings that are in their own hells. I literally have no friends. A 6 yr relationship utterly devastated me when it ended this last summer. I am in my early 40s and I am not new to relationships, but this one destroyed me to the core. 7 months and there is still nothing left of me.
On the surface I appear as a moderately attractive man. In shape, even as I deal with blood clots in my legs and an ulcer on my leg that is making life really painful.
My job is a joke that could easily end tomorrow or the next day. I have no skills. No degrees. No family or friends. Still renting at my age. No equity. No savings. Never got any inheritance, so scratch that (people don’t realize how fortunate and wealthy they are. Average people get chunks of money from their parents). Mounting medical bills and debt. No one to turn to but me. Really my only blessing is that I am not ugly. Beyond that I have made nothing of my life. I know I am the only one to blame for it. I manage to bungle every relationship I have been in. Not one has worked. Most of the time I feel like I can not connect with anyone. I feel like I am constantly opening my heart and having it stomped on because vulnerability is so frowned on in our society. If you show it people sense it and take advantage of you. They exert their ego power over you. I would love to be around kind and loving people, but I always seem to be around ugly, ignorant, mindless people due to my lack of skills and inability to create something in this world. No one ever gave me any ideas on what the fuck I am supposed to be doing to live in this world. My parents definitely were no help. Everything in this culture is such bs. I subscribe to none of it and I do not care about all the crap other people do. I have never found any motivation to “make something of myself” and chase after money, and now I am paying the price. I just don’t understand this obsession that everyone seems to have with competition and taking, taking, taking all the time. That is all we do. We like to say there are all these other things that don’t involve money, but look.
We would be friends only if we had some kind of economic relation. We talk about love, intimacy, etc, but none of that happens with out the settings and events that money brings about. I have seen the deepest love, the most warm hearted people betray their own love, kindness and compassion for money, security and some kind of gain. Without money we have no value to each other.
I am not saying money is evil, because it is not. Evil and good are bs anyways. I just don’t know how I am going to be happy slaving away for no money the rest of my life at low wage mindless jobs when I don’t want to even be here. Nothing interests me at all. Anything that would interest me has no economic value. With no family, friends, or lovers to even talk to, my life just looks like years of boring insignificance grinding away for nothing.
What is the point?
1 comment
I am 10 years younger but found myself facing the same dilemma. No friends, no family save my son, no good thing to hang on to. But, I know you are not going to want to hear this because people seldom do. Its like as soon as you mention God people put a wall up. I did too for many years. But, reading the bible has kept me away from drugs and leaning on people to fulfil myself. I know what your thinking now, I know people say draw on God but how can I when I don’t believe he’s real. Be honest have an honest conversation with him. Say, I’m here but I don’t think your there, you may be surprised he just may shock you and answer you. Anyway I remember when I was in the 6th grade we took a test don’t ask me why. But it was to see where our interests in life lay. They were separated into categories like; fame, fortune, power, health, family, creativity. Most of my fellow students scored highest in money, power, and fame. My scores were in health, family, and even though the religious questions were crossed out I did them anyway just to see but religion too. The thing is for those who place their hearts in the real goodness of the world like love and peace and all the things Jesus tried to bring us those people inevitably suffer but, I hold onto the hope that he is coming back and right will win and all the things that make people hideous to each other in this world will disappear. I started to doubt it but what helps me is reading my bible. Laugh at me if you want call me delusional if you want but it gives me that hope that people like us seem to lack these days. Jesus says “How blessed are you who are poor the kingdom of God is yours. Blessed are you who are weeping now you shall laugh. ” little things kind things like this he says lifts my spirits