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Ending it tonight. Life doesn’t get better.

by N0Futur3

Wished I ended it that first night I joined. Life doesn’t get better, it’s just a lie. Funny how people say suicide is selfish, what is selfish is them expecting someone to continue living a life of pain because they want them to. You say family, friends, community get hurt… Fuck them they don’t give a shit about me. No matter how hard I try, it is not good enough in their eyes. We live in a fucked up society and world, fake people smiling…. They are the ones who need real help. I’m done….. I’m done living this fucked up life in this fucked up world. You call life a gift, if it is I never asked for it. God or whatever can take this fucked up gift back. I want out. A life determined by some pricks and corrupted government that robs you of everything. Yeah life is great…. A great pile of shit. Tonight before I sleep and everybody else is asleep I’m going to take the whole bottle full of tramadol and swallow it. Who knows I might swallow some other pills just to make sure I die.

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PineBapple 3/4/2016 - 11:10 pm

For added measure you can drink some alcohol, and if it is in a capsule you should remove the capsule and mix into a drink perhaps. I’m not telling you this because I want you to die, I’m telling you this because I believe everyone has a right to their own life (and because I’m a nihilist that believes there is ultimately no purpose to life). Good luck friend

Kidiot 3/22/2016 - 5:08 am

I agree. Everyone should be able to die painlessly. What kind of fucked up society doesn’t allow people to die humainly when the time is right?

Sleepyzebrah 2/20/2020 - 12:34 am

Damn right

Cordless 3/4/2016 - 11:25 pm

I have a bottle of over 100 Tramadol which I keep next to my bed at all times.
This week I came closer than usual to taking it all.

What stopped me was realizing that all too often, overdoses aren’t fatal.
They just result in a LOT of puking, and a hell of physical discomfort.
After that, I’d be stuck in a pile of puke, and all my pain meds would be gone.
I’d be doubly screwed; not only would I still be alive with the same issues I already have, but my doctor would be highly-unlikely ever to prescribe strong pain meds for me ever again.

I’m not trying to be sugary and preachy at all; I just want to make sure you’ve considered this from all the possible angles.
If this doesn’t prove fatal, things will go from bad to worse.

PhantomCitizen43 3/5/2016 - 12:58 am

Very Well said Cordless. and its nice to see you posting again. A couple days I didn’t see any post from you and I was sad and worried.

Cordless 3/5/2016 - 1:06 am

Thank you!
I was in kind of a dark place for awhile there.

More than usual, I mean. πŸ˜‰

N0Futur3 3/4/2016 - 11:35 pm

I’ve tried everything in my power to see this “light” of life…. But sadly all attempts failed. My life is getting more worse by the very minute. I already feel dead inside, so i figure why not end it. End these feelings of shame, pain, anxiety, depression and hopelessness forever. In about an hour I’m going to OD. I’ll try that blending it into a drink idea. All i see in my future is me hurting people because of my problems, me being a burden, those guys were right I am to weak for this world. Nobody wants me around, so I’ll see myself off quietly.

Adesertsage 3/4/2016 - 11:35 pm

I agree with OP 100%. Life is shit. Nobody cares about us.

If there were an easy, painless and guaranteed method to die, I would have done it a long time ago.

I would never try to od on pills because it’s not effective. I really regret selling my gun πŸ™ Now I’m thinking of jumping but I’m scared of heights.

Sleepyzebrah 2/20/2020 - 12:40 am

Yeah it’s not fair. Here we can’t buy any guns, or some med that u can die from. You just prob end up puking and ending up in the hospital worse than before. Hanging seems scary to me and high buildings are hard to find/access

N0Futur3 3/4/2016 - 11:37 pm

Not even god wants me around. So I will just disappear.

N0Futur3 3/4/2016 - 11:43 pm

My family was complaining about how I don’t help them out with anything or give them money. As soon as they wake they will find $200 on the table. And when they come to try and wake me up I will already be gone. They have their stupid money but they will lose me for their selfishness. In this way I can punish them for all the wrong they have done to me. I will not write a note or anything.

kupo95 3/4/2016 - 11:55 pm

So becuse you give your family money and you work you ass off with no appreciation you just felt like the last straw im done .

kupo95 3/4/2016 - 11:48 pm

Hey if your still around I have a question . why do you feel so dead inside and so ready to end it all.

i not gomna stop you do want you want but .. Why?

What happened?

Btw my aunt tried to od i din’t work .

N0Futur3 3/4/2016 - 11:49 pm

I appreciate all the nice people replying. Atleast once in my life I am treated like a human being.

N0Futur3 3/4/2016 - 11:55 pm

I’m maybe just a teen but I’ve had enough of life. Going to be jobless, parents don’t give a shit and are literally telling me to get the f out and they don’t need me. I’ll have no where to go. Got too many medical bills to pay because of a hit and run. Cops won’t find the people who did it. Fell down some stairs and crippled one leg. I’ve had enough of this pain. If this is what life has to offer me then I forfeit my life.

kupo95 3/4/2016 - 11:59 pm

Ok just read your last post totally understandable what you’re going threw why you feel that you want to die. How long have you been pain with your leg ?

N0Futur3 3/5/2016 - 12:02 am

For about year. I cannot afford to get my leg treated. I don’t have any healthcare or anything. I wanted to be a stuntman but it will never be possible.

kupo95 3/5/2016 - 12:04 am

How old are you

N0Futur3 3/5/2016 - 12:05 am

Doing stunts was what kept me going. It was how I could vent, for a moment or brief second while doing stunts i felt free. I can no longer do it anymore.

N0Futur3 3/5/2016 - 12:06 am

I just turned 18.

kupo95 3/5/2016 - 12:07 am

Well that sucks but can you like walk sorry i being annoying as fuck

N0Futur3 3/5/2016 - 12:09 am

I can hardly walk. When I do it causes me enormous pain kupo.

N0Futur3 3/5/2016 - 12:08 am

I do not have a gun so I am forced to try and see if I can end it by OD.

kupo95 3/5/2016 - 12:18 am

Im sorry rhis is weird but waht is going on right now is geting me so mad and i dont know why . like i said do what you want your in pain life sucks . but at the same time you said your like in your teens wich mean the like a lot of potential in you. Not that i care if you go it dose make me sad but. If your worried about money. There is so much you can do to get out of that and i think thats why in mad . you wanna give up so quickly but have you tired to stunts slowly try get past the pain i know i sound like ***** but still. And as for your family id say fuck them and figure it out on your own .

kupo95 3/5/2016 - 12:19 am

Im sorry

Mf 3/5/2016 - 12:20 am

*raises hand* tried the OD route a couple of times. No dice. I read your previous post and said you wanted to be a stuntman and that you did parkour. Not to be a party popper but are you aware that at any point you could have gotten a similar injury from doing parkour? did you end up going to the hospital to get your leg checked? i’m asking because there’s a small community of guys that do parkour/roller blading around here and it’s incredible the amount of injuries they get… and wouldn’t you know, they still keep on going.

FTR i wanted to be a singer (not professional, but i love singing) and i got an injury which limits greatly what i can do. Like you, i have to deal with pain everyday, and one of the reasons i tried to OD back then was because of it. A couple of years have passed and i know i’ll never be the same again, but life does go on, and you can find other reasons to live. Did it get better for me a while after my injury? nope (and a ton of other shit happened), but it’s been three years now… and even if i still don’t have a reason to live, i do have to say: you learn to deal with your loss eventually.

Why am i saying all of this? no idea. My main point here was to tell you that you should get your leg checked because you never know if it can be fixed until you get someone to see it. Plus… yeah, don’t waste your time swallowing those pills, unless you want a trip to your nearest hospital, a couple of hours of puking and a nice hefty bill at the end of your stay.

tiredthoughts 3/5/2016 - 12:36 am

I hope these ppl get through to you. I want to say something. I don’t want you to try od these ppl are right with causes lots of puking. I, want to die, but I held off and my life hasn’t gotten better. I want out and I stick around. Why? I dunno. But I’m unhappy all the time. Almost a year worth of sad.. But some ppl, alot ppl find a “new light” or something to live for. Things do turn around for some ppl. Hope you give yourself more time.

N0Futur3 3/5/2016 - 12:43 am

I’ve suffered with depression for the majority of my life. I have no potential, everything important to me is gone. The reason I’m still alive to this day is because I do not and cannot get a gun. If what you say is true then I will just stab myself in the stomach and bleed out. I never wanted to exist, I never asked to be born into a abusive, selfish, materialistic family. I never asked to be born into a world where we are all slaves. I do not see a future for me. Everyday I wake up it is a curse.

CatchTh3Bus 3/5/2016 - 12:49 am

Oh damn OP that’s a shitty situation and I’m sorry the roll of the dice didn’t roll in your favour πŸ™

I would research more about OD because idk if tramadol will do the trick before intervention as you’ll probably have a huge seizure and you might roll out of bed or something and make a ton of noise. I don’t think getting locked up in a psyche ward will do you any good but you’ll be involuntarily committed if your attempt fails. I had one attempt fail because of intervention and got locked up for only a week and I thought i was going to end up going insane in there then got out and had the person who called medics to commit me apologize then I fell for the lie and thought I could talk honestly about my darker thoughts and I got sent back to the hospital..come to think of it I did go insane being in and out of hospitals so much I’m just pushing all the mad thoughts to the back of my mind so I can focus on fool proofing my next attempt.

I’m not very good at making helpful comments and I don’t personally know you but I don’t want you to get locked up and your rights taken away because you didn’t think things through. IMO you should bide your time a bit longer until you have more of a concrete plan in place even if that means dealing with shitty people a little while longer. Suicide is something you want no one taking authority over as it’s your life and it’ll just make your pain and anger so much worse. Grrr I hate how good people have to suffer so much and when they try to end the suffering there’s people causing more suffering by calling 911 >.<!

PhantomCitizen43 3/5/2016 - 12:52 am

I agree with some of your post, but disagree with other parts. I know exactly what it is like to feel like you do here in your post. In times past I was so suicidal I thought for sure that ending it was the only solution for me. So I thought. I know how you feel > the pain, the depression, the fucked up things about the world, how hard it is to continue when it seems like there is no hope and no future and no reason to keep going. I know about ALL Of that and more. I know what its like to be in a place where life seems so unfair (and trust me I know it can be) , and it seems like people are just fake and phoney and so forth. (and Yes there are fake and phony people out there for sure.) And well I did have several suicide attempts and wound up hospitalized several times because of them. I came close to death a few times. One time I was in a coma for 2 days after an attempt. But well. even after all that. I managed to pull it together and discover that life can be good. Yes its not perfect, yes there is lot of hard times, yes it can be painful > but it can be good and it can get better when we put forth some effort into making life better for ourselves when we try.
One thing want to say to you just for starters is that trying to overdose on pills probably wont work. Just to let you know. Im trying to save you a morning of a really bad headache and a few days of feeling like shit and maybe even winding up in the hospital getting your stomach pumped. (trust me I have been there done that. You don’t want to do that. )
the truth about suicide is that its not that easy. You’d be surprised what you could put yourself through and not die. Trust me I know.
Now what I want to suggest > is that you TRY to deal with the issues you are facing in life and try to find solutions to them instead of popping a bunch of pills that most likely wont kill you.
I agree with you. Suicide is NOT a cowardly thing the way some people are programmed to say. Its a rather brave choice that some people make. But I want you to know that there are Other choices and other options in life. Better options. And I also want to let you know that suicide attempts often go wrong and you wind up NOT DYING but living with more pain then you had before. So your better off to at least TRY to work through your issues here at the forum then going the pill popping route. This is a really good forum with many really caring people and people who understand what you are going through. Try for the moment to be open minded enough to give something else a shot before you go and try to oft yourself.
I tried to oft myself like 6 times and I got more messed up after each attempt. If I had known then what I know now I would never have attempted it. Life can be good. We can learn coping skills and we can learn to get through our issues and come out with a good life if we try. There are a lot of good people here at SP to help. Hang in there.
If you think the world is such a shitty place (and I agree sometimes it can be) why not LIVE and be one of the ones who are dedicated to making it a better place?? You could start a revolution of change! If you think there are to many phoney people in the world. (and yes I agree there are phoney’s out there) Why not be one of the real people who sticks around and rises above the phoneyness and rises above the bullshit! Maybe the world needs YOU to start the revolution of real change for the better. I believe you could do it.

N0Futur3 3/5/2016 - 12:58 am

I’m tired of living. There are times I wish I was born in a fantasy world, a world where anything is possible and hard work actually gets you somewhere. Where everybody is real and not fake. No stupid corrupt government, no lying bastard politicians, none of these problems. I want nothing to do with humanity. Humanity is hopeless. A doomed science project by the all powerful creator of the universe.

N0Futur3 3/5/2016 - 1:09 am

Haven’t had any good sleep for about a month. Too stressed out. I am a failure. I am a loser. I am nothing. I should disappear. Phantom you’ve seen how ugly this world is. People in the past have tried to make a difference to only be killed. There is no hope. John f kennedy was one of those people. If he didn’t die the world would be a better place. All people who mean good die by the hands of the corrupt.

hope432 3/5/2016 - 12:51 pm

May you find peace and rest

hope432 3/5/2016 - 12:52 pm

I hope you don’t do it though. Know that you are very respected by me despite your early age.

kupo95 3/6/2016 - 10:10 am

Hey you still here?

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/6/2016 - 10:17 am

@N0Futur3: I just got a chance to read this. How are you feeling this morning? It is really hard to OD on Tramedol, I am hoping you are around possibly reading the forum today. You have gotten a raw deal, a really raw deal in life. I totally see how you can feel this way. family sucks balls. They really do, especially when they start throwing the cash card at you, pay for this, pay for that, blah fucking blah blah blah. Sometimes what is needed isn’t cash but someone just to listen right.

So if you are around, I am listening.

kupo95 3/8/2016 - 10:11 pm

Hi if you here still ill like to know how you are

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