Not looking for sympathy here, what I did is what I did. I should have just been there for her as a friend, shouldn’t have given into her subtle advances, taking it to the next stage I knew I’d surely regret. I should have recognized her vulnerability and kept respectable distance with compassion, but I didn’t..
I allowed the night to progress, one beer, 2 beer, 3 beer, talking closer and closer at the arcade bar, her warming up to my unfurling pinball skills, as laughable as that may seem, close contact is close contact.
Suddenly the air is charged. The familiarity of our past, the chemistry between us re-igniting, and the comfort in that place when everything else around is unsure, unstable, falling apart. Thoughts of consequences abandon for that eagerness to belong for an evening.
But I know she’s not the one, I knew before when the same thing happened and derailed everything with the one I do feel is the one.
We finish the chicken tenders and our last beer and she comes over. It’s already decided, there’s no turning back now, and for some reason I think nothing of it, not till the next morning.
When I look over and realize again, as always, she’s not the one. The one I do love, already at work, me always unsure where we are, but know if she knew I was even in contact with the other that there’d be no chance again, and worse than that, severe hurt.
This doesn’t come back into focus till later in the day, till I sheepishly say I can’t be in a relationship, for I still have feelings for her, I still love her, however doubt we’ll ever be together again, I’m still stuck on her.
This breaks my friend’s heart, and I feel terrible causing that hurt, and I drop her off and it’s a sad goodbye.
A goodbye that could have been good had it been the night before, but now damaged, irrevocably so..
And while feeling bad about that, who calls but the one I do love, suggesting she’d like to come over.
Cruel fate I dealt to myself, no way could I oblige, invite her over to the same room, entwine on the same bed the other had departed only hours before. The guilt and shame of it all tearing me apart, all of it my fault, knowing if I were to mention any of it, how forever things between us would be broken.
It’s not cheating, we’re not together, but it’d still break her heart, and so I decline, as much as that hurts, cause all I want is to be back with her again, the one I love, but I fucked it all up.
I routinely fuck it all up, didn’t used to.
I used to have it all together, steadfast and certain of what’s right, denying advances from other girls even when we were in a fuzzy noncommittal zone.
I long for those days, for the relative simplicity of it, just her and I together.
Life has just become such a mess, and in that mess, clinging to whatever suitable offer may present itself for the intimacy of an evening, however falling so short and hollow from the one who really matters.
I just keep thinking there’s no longer a chance for us, and then suddenly there is, only too late. Doomed to be honest and tell her who I’ve been with while we were apart, doomed to guilt and shame for not.
But I did this to myself.
Damne fool,
why couldn’t you just say goodbye at the bar?
9 comments
wow story of my life … that was so well written also
Thanks sportsnut.
We’re all so flawed and given to vulnerable moments of unequivocally fucking up. What hurts is the hindsight, how so easy it was to prevent. I know my story is not unique, it’s human.
hi again.. its not unique in that it happened.. it is however unique in that you told it and with such wonderful detail..
The girl you’re into will likely find out at some point that you slept with the other chick, so it would hurt less if you were immediately upfront with her about it. If you can’t be honest with someone, then there’s no point in ‘loving’ them, is there?
If you avoid telling her and you get back together, she will completely hate you later when she discovers what happened, which is why if you get all the messiness out of the way *now* I’d say there’s a good possibility she will forgive you and you might be able to rekindle your relationship. Who knows, she too may have been sleeping with people you’d be surprised to hear about.
Putting all your cards on the table will allow you both the chance to heal the rift between each other, if you truly do hold affection for one another.
nepheliad, you’re right. Thank you for that. That’s the hard thing about this, that you’re right, however much I love her, it didn’t keep me from weighing my options with someone I felt close to in the past. And if I don’t tell her, I’m not honoring her, and there can’t be any foundation for a rekindled relationship. We’ve already broken up and gotten back together some 9 or 10 times at this point, so that must be saying something. The hard part is knowing how much coming clean will devastate things, but again, you’re right.
If you were not a couple with “the one” when you got with your other friend, it’s only a matter of telling the truth and knowing if “the one” cares or not, because she might not care, and she might have even been with someone else all along. Honesty is the key here, because as it stands, you already think you have no chance in hell with “the one”, so what do you have to lose?
As for your friend… well, it is a pretty lousy thing to do to a friend, but it was partly her decision. At least you were honest about it pretty soon, instead of giving her more hope for something that was not going to happen. She might or might not be cool with you in the future, but i’d refrain from having sex with friends when i’m in a lousy head (and heart space) if i were you… specially if you want to keep those friends, hah.
“refrain from having sex with friends when in a lousy head (and heart space)” – sage advice, wish I had taken it sooner. Thanks for your input Mf
@headupunderdarkcloud: Please stop beating yourself up. Life is messy. If “the one” truly is “the one” then this won’t matter to her. The main reason is because you are regretting the living hell out of it. Unfortunately for your friend, the regret is her. However (and this is contingent upon what kind of headspace your friend is in) your friend may be able to get past this and get squarely back in the friend zone. It has been done…successfully by people world wide. Because you are human, delightfully human. I give you complete freedom to go ahead and throw your human card.
Go ahead, throw it. Now doesn’t that feel a hell of a lot better. I have done spectacularly stupid things while trashed. I mean just face palm moments that I had a hard time living down. It happens, friends either accept it or don’t, but the ones that do accept it and are able to laugh about it with me later are still my friends. The others? Well I guess they didn’t like me throwing my human card.
But I’m so good at it! (beating myself up).. She even says it, about other things. But I really do appreciate your perspective. It’s true, things will be ok with the other girl and I in time, will just take some time. And in truth, the one I refer to as “the one”, we’ve got a really complicated history, the most complicated I’ve known, at many times it’s felt that, “no way, this will never work out”. Things have never really been stable with us for any extended period of time. there’s just been some force that has kept drawing us back to each other. Never experienced it in any other relationship. Feels at times some version of co-dependency may be at play, which I suppose may be acting out against at certain times. Or I don’t know, just being immature and stupid.