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I have issues…

by claritee

I know, you’re like “duh, why else would you be here?” But ugh.

Last night there was a spider on my ceiling and I had a legit panic attack. Usually I kill the spider, but it just made me think about my ex that would save the spider and put it outside. I got on my bed and tried so hard to kill the spider, but I couldn’t. I laid down my bed and stared at the spider as my breathing and heart rate increased. I was thinking that it was a poisonous spider that would kill me in my sleep. But isn’t that what I want? To die? And what a perfect way to die than to get bit by a spider and then drift to death in my sleep.

I ended up killing the spider after gathering every ounce of strength I had. It was such a small spider that I felt ridiculous for overreacting. I just laid on my bed and fell asleep. I was exhausted. I tired myself out over a fucking spider.

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15 comments

Mad_HatterXx 3/15/2016 - 2:30 pm

Awe this is actually Pretty interesting but I was kinda hard to understand but I got most of it. But idk it was just interesting

And yusss we all have problems lol xD
If that makes you feel any better

claritee 3/15/2016 - 3:06 pm

🙂

muspelhem 3/15/2016 - 2:36 pm

WHAT DID YOU DO?!? YOU COULD HAVE BECOME SPIDER-MAN!

claritee 3/15/2016 - 2:37 pm

Hahaha!!

mindlessgamer619 3/15/2016 - 2:42 pm

XD

Shortcut 3/15/2016 - 2:43 pm

Your ex sounds like he was a great guy.

claritee 3/15/2016 - 3:05 pm

The best.

Shortcut 3/15/2016 - 3:14 pm

For real. In a global population of 7.5 billion, male population of around half that. I’d say the number of guys compassionate enough to save spiders is about a dozen. Mind if I ask why he’s gone?

Shortcut 3/15/2016 - 3:16 pm

*he or she, sorry for assuming.

claritee 3/15/2016 - 3:51 pm

It was pretty much all my fault. He was perfect the entire relationship. He wanted more from me and I never gave it to him. Like, we would talk about marriage and I danced around the idea, even though I would have loved him to be my husband. Just other things, my lack of communication with him. He begged me to be more open with him, to share my thoughts and I never really did. I was often too vague about things and showed lack of commitment. He got tired of it. He gave me so many chances, but I never budged. He even suggested I see a therapist.

I have major self-esteem issues and I never, ever, ever felt like I was worthy of him. Not only is he completely and utterly good looking, like he could be a model, but he is also smart, funny, sweet, nice and kind. I’ve never had someone treat me like he did. I wasn’t used to it. I always felt like to love him, I would have to push him away from me, so he could get it through his head that I wasn’t enough for him and he could go find someone that was enough for him. Well… he did break up with me eventually. And now I’m devastated.

Did I mention I have issues?

claritee 3/15/2016 - 3:58 pm

I have been working on my issues though. I do realize what I lost. Right after our breakup I did go to a doctor and asked for anxiety/depression medicine and I talked to a therapist shortly. I also joined a gym per my doctor’s advice, she said I needed more exercise and that could improve my anxiety. It does help a bit.

I haven’t told him I did any of this after our breakup. I don’t want to make this about him, even though it kinda is. I just felt like I have to improve my anxiety and depression before I can truly love someone. How can I love someone when I don’t even love myself?

4beyondhelp 3/15/2016 - 4:15 pm

nah, you can absolutely love someone even if you don’t love yourself. I wish I would die a really painful death but I still love my mother more than anything.

do what you think is best, but I don’t think it would be wrong to tell him what you’ve been up to, especially if he encouraged you to do it.

also relating to the original post, we all freak out about things that should be small. life is exhausting. I hope you don’t feel to bad about it, and that you feel better now

claritee 3/15/2016 - 4:27 pm

I’m not sure if he even cares anymore what I do. We had spontaneous sex a few weeks ago and I don’t know what to make of it. It didn’t feel like there was any love there anymore for him. He keeps saying that we’re “friends” and now he is so busy with other things in his life. He doesn’t even feel like a “friend”… when we talk it’s vague and right now I’m not talking to him at all. I haven’t replied to any of his texts he sent me. I don’t know what to do. I just feel like we’re both better off staying away from each other.

I want more, but not able to give more. And even if I could give more, I don’t know if he wants more now… he’s busy with school and he has his own anxiety issues as well. Blah. I really do need to see a therapist, huh? I mean, I need to talk to a professional about my problems.

Thanks 4beyondhelp

claritee 3/15/2016 - 4:31 pm

Maybe I should have said “How can I allow someone to love me when I don’t even love myself?”… That’s what I mean to say. I love him plenty.

mindlessgamer619 3/15/2016 - 9:31 pm

“How can I allow someone to love me when I don’t even love myself?”
~ Me talking to lots of women around my age, but not starting a relationship period.
I relate so much to this…..

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