At first, I had it all planned out. My mom was going out and I had like 3 full bottles of medication on hand. She never checks up on me, so I felt like I was in the clear. She came home early though, and my biggest regret was not locking the door. I remember waking up in a hospital, and having my mom by my side. Of course, they wouldn’t send me home, and sent me to a mental ward.
Now let me tell you, mental hospitals aren’t like they are in the movies. But….they’re pretty freaking awful. They’re cameras everywhere and someone is always watching, always writing down your every move and I became so paranoid. To this day, I have a huge paranoia with nurses/doctors. Not to mention it’s not just you there. You’re with several other crazies. Some were druggies, cutters, suiciders. The more rare ones being schizos and arsonists. We were all screwed up in our own way.
It didn’t work. I left worse off. My psychiatrist didn’t help and just wanted the money we had to pay him. My therapists didn’t let me talk, the pills….oh god the pills. After talking to some shrinks, taking drugs and going back to different wards, I finally realized what was wrong. No matter how many people you tell, no matter what prescriptions you take it doesn’t just make the problems go away. It’s just a distraction to the fact that nobody can fix the issues I have. There’s no magic pill to make me happy.
I’ve been wondering why I deserved to have a dysfunctional brain. Why my mother hates when I even mention it, or when I show symptoms she yells at me. Why my friend are getting their lives together and I’m still struggling to get out of be in the morning. “You just have to change!” “Maybe if you fixed your attitude it’d be better.” “Just go to the gym or something” “you don’t even have it that bad, someone has it worse than you,” I’m trying so hard yet it’s just…not enough. It’s not.
5 comments
I’m sorry you have to deal with that 🙁 Maybe people want you to feel better and don’t know how to help, so they react that way and aren’t helpful at all.
Yeah generally people want to help you out but it’s always their way. They see it from their perspective and generally give you advice which works for them or for situations they have conceive/imagine. They can’t see it from your perspective
Unfortunately, most people seem to not understand unless they’ve been there.
Yes, there are people that may have it worse off. Does that make your pain any less significant?
For example- if there were two people who got shot, one with a pistol and one with a shotgun- would anyone look at the guy who was shot with the pistol and be like “Oh, look at that other guy! His gunshot is much worse, walk it off!”
It’s a stupid way to cheer someone up, trying to make them feel guilty for feeling the way they do.
I hope you can have something good happen to you soon to help bring some sunshine into your life.
Regards, Radek Bonk.
I really hope you’re doing okay, and yeah I agree with Radek. It’s a fact that there are people suffering in the world, but that doesn’t make your pain something to be put off and ignored. You are significant and your health is important, and I wish you the best of luck in fighting all the sadness and despair.
I’m sorry that your mom doesn’t seem to be able to be as understanding. Some people try ‘tough love’, because they don’t want to enable. I sometimes feel like nobody really cares. Even if it’s a band-aid effect, talking on here to other people can sometimes make me feel better. For what it’s worth, I wish you weren’t sad either. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being sad, but feeling like you really can’t cope, and that you just don’t want to be here anymore? I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.