I have never claimed I have OCD. That’s because I know how severe it gets for people. But some things I do are based off fear so bad that they prevent me from doing anything or making decisions–
On Friday I was sent to the E.R. for suicidal thoughts that were persistent. The night before I spent hours trying to find and decide what socks I should wear. I spent an hour (not exaggerating) telling myself that I shouldn’t wear the only pair of socks I found– grey socks.
I just felt it was wrong and would cause problems. I was so anxious during the night about the socks. And what happens? Chaos.
(Urgh my mother is yelling at me now:”You better lie to the counselors and the people and say you have no problems!!!!!!!!!” )
Her voice makes me want to stab my ear.
—Not the point:point is, I won’t go to bed tonight unless I know whether I should wear orange or blue pajamas. I made sure they come from the same company. They are just in different colors. Orange will represent innocence because I’ve hardly worn those pajamas during tough nights so it hasn’t experienced much. Blue ones are fierce and they’ll keep me strong tonight.
My fear for my pajamas is preventing me from sleeping. I need sleep and I can’t.
Not until my decision is made on pajamas.
I don’t expect to make the same mistake like the socks did.
No: this ISN’T a fashion statement.
Its insane and I know it. But in my mind I cannot go to bed without knowing one of them will keep me safe. Its insane.