I’ve been reading this site for a few weeks but this is my first post. In a lot of ways, I wish I could go back to when I was little, when I spent most of my time alone in my room reading or solving number puzzles or making up stories. Before there was any pressure to socialize or compromise endlessly or impress others in general.
I spent most of my childhood blocking out my emotions. Criticism and rejection have always been very, very painful. It often feels like I’m walking around in a shooting video game except everyone else has armor or shields and I don’t. Stuff that just bounces off other people is enough to severely hurt me.
At the same time, I want to have meaning and purpose in my life. I want to accomplish something. I realized a long time ago I wasn’t going to be a widely renowned mathematician or scientist or something, and the problem is, anything else I might consider a meaningful accomplishment seems to involve connecting with people or working in groups. Two things I’ve always been pretty terrible at. In my early 20’s when I still had some optimism I tried a few times to overcome those limitations, but inevitably ran into politics or difficult group environments that made every day a stress-filled mess and completely wiped out my motivation.
So here I am, stuck in a bad place, but basically certain that if I take a step toward pursuing anything I want I will just get clobbered by other people. I could also take the path of least resistance, get a solitary but boring job in accounting or something and just keep to myself and my hobbies. But I know 10 years down the road I’ll regret that too. So I just don’t see the point.
4 comments
As long as you are alive, you are going to automatically be connected to and be a part of the world-wide emotional lifestream.
I’ve found that socializing is like so many other things, it takes practice and the less you do it, the more dull it becomes.
You might be borderline, as borderline people feel things deeply. Look into that.
Now that you know and realize all of this, try again and build it up better this time. Find the right crowd, research on your own personality.
And you may have a personality disorder. Having a personality disorder, I personally believe, should not dissaude you from involving yourself with the rest of the world. People who have physical ailments learn to live and work with those and I believe it is the same with psychological conditions; just figure yourself out and work with that. Best.
Oh, and I forgot to say: welcome.
We also need that emotional connection every day just like a physical finger needs to be connected to the rest of the physical body and that physical lifestream.
Thanks October_rain. I’ve actually been wondering for a while if I was borderline, or avoidant, or maybe both. I’ve never been prone to reckless behavior (because I’m too scared), but some of the other borderline symptoms — hypersensitivity, idealizing and devaluing people, large swings between depression and elation or depression and anxiety, substance abuse — are definitely me.