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I wouldn’t call it an epiphany.

by mentally conflicted

Honestly, I’m just a stupid teenage girl who still has highschool to get through. I need to put on my big girl pants and just get through it. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be happy.
Suicide. I’ve thought about it, but I’ve always been too much a wimp to really try and end my life. In my opinion, the only scary part of trying to attempt suicide, is if you survive. But then again, that means you are alive for a reason. Maybe I’m scared because I have this hope that everything will be okay.
People say that “time heals everything,” but that, in all honestly, is complete bullshit. No, time does not heal everything. It’s what y o u choose to do in that time, that heals it all.
For me, there’s a difference between living and existing, more so breathing.
Living life is a lot of things. Living life isn’t just one thing. In life you can be hurt, happy, sad, angry, and much more. Feeling alive is great, I mean, at this point, I’m lowkey dead inside LOL.
The pain, the happiness, and just the feelings are what make me know I’m alive–living.
Existing, existing is how I feel sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like I’m there, you know?
Sometimes I feel like I’m just…just…I don’t know, a breathing thing. It’s complicated I guess.

(Here’s something kind of off topic).
Something that intrigues me is observing people. When I go to school, I just observe everyone, without them noticing it. Seeing the way people act and speak are just so…fascinating. I guess psychology has always sparked something inside me. Learning about how the mind works or just why people think the way they think are just scintillating. I think there’s a deeper meaning behind everything. Also, I mean, people only know what you display. I could be smiling and laughing all the time, and people would think I’m okay. I could be crying and quiet all the time, and people would know I’m sad.
Sometimes I don’t really blame people for not asking why I’m not okay. I mean, it’s not really their fault.
People only know what you show.
And that’s the beauty of it.

If any of you play league of legends, you should add me lol.
I appreciate your existence; I appreciate each and every one of you.


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PhantomCitizen43 4/7/2016 - 12:46 am

You sound really smart for a teenager. You seem to be really in touch with how you feel about everything and that is pretty cool. When I was a teenager I didn’t know my ass from my elbow. LOL

I wish I had more time to reply to your post… but I am tired and getting ready for bed.
But just quickly. Yes, getting through High school is kind of tough… its not an easy part of life. but YES you should buckle down like you say and get through it as best you can. A lot of people don’t realize that your High School years are pretty important. What you do or don’t do in those years can have a drastic effect on the rest of your life and the rest of your life is LONG in comparison to the 4 years of High school. So try to play your cards right. A good education is one of the major cornerstones of a good life. So I suggest that you buckle down in your studies and also Stay away from negative people… like trouble makers and such. I ruined my HIgh school years because I hung around with trouble makers. If I could do it all over again I would change that.

I am glad you haven’t tried suicide >because its not for you.
You have your whole life ahead of you and there is no reason to end it now.
YES > there is a reason you are alive… and finding that reason is part of your life’s journey. It will come with time as you live and learn and grow and search. ALL the answers wont come overnight. Its more of a lifelong process. so hang in there. Press forward and keep searching.

Well the thing about time is actually… over the course of time a lot of painful things do heal. But you make a good point > that its what you do with that time > that will determine how things go for you and how much healing you receive. You are smart to pick up on that.

Yes life is a lot of things.. and its not always easy. There are a lot of issues and problems that can come our way in life. But its the choices that we make that will determine how well we do in life. Life is like 10% what happens to us and 90% what we do about what happens to us. SO try to make good choices… and a good education is the building block for making good choices.

Observing people is very cool. I like that too and I also like Psychology. Trying to understand people and how people think and what motivates people and what drives people…. Yes I am also very intrigued by all of that. I am fascinated at trying to figure all kinds of things like that out.. and the more you learn about people and those types of mindful things. the better off you will be. Because a lot of our lives is spent > dealing with people in some way shape or form.

Its very important to learn to get along with people and to be able to interact with people and to be able to Read people… and you seem like you are on your way at getting good at all of those things.

About your personal sadness. Well I am sorry to hear that you have sadness in your life.. but its pretty comon. We all have some sort of sadness in life at times. But you can learn coping skills and other ways to push past the sadness and move on to the good stuff. Like accomplishments and the joys of life. So remember that even though you have some sadness in your life at times… that does NOT mean that your whole life is going to be sad. We all have ups and downs. When things are down… you can learn to cope and learn to better enjoy the good times when they come becaue THEY DO>
You have a lot to look forward to. You have a sharp mind and your really in touch with how you feel about things. Those are good qualities.
Keep up the good work. Post here anytime you like.
Your wonderful!!!

SO I think you are really smart for your age.

mentally conflicted 4/7/2016 - 2:17 am

I honestly don’t know what to say.
PhantomCitizen43, who are you?
I’m just so astounded by your comment.
Like holy shit I’ve been sitting here thinking about my reply, for nearly an hour. I’m quite positive (but not pregnant, ha get the joke??) that you’ve commented on one of my posts before…talking about when SHTF moments..right? Yes, it was definitely you. I loved it. Every single word you said in your comments (your comment on this post and your comment on my other post) just blew me away. It made me want to talk to you because uhhhhh. YOURE FUCKING COOL LMAO. I’ve also seen your comments on other posts, because I mean, you comment a lot, just wondering how people are doing I guess. It’s great. You’re such a great person and asdfghjkl how even–I don’t even. Just. I don’t know. ily.

School wise, yeah, I’m taking honors classes, I mean. I always have. I do exceptionally well in school and school is good I guess.

People tell me that I’m smart and mature for my age and I’m just like hA iM liKE 2 yEArS oLd (just kidding).

I don’t know where I’m going with this.
You’re so eloquent; you’re so good with words.

I always look forward to what you have to say.
It’s like saving the good parts of something.
For me, reading your comments just boost my mood mdjdjdjsidijcjdjejwjsjsjdjdjfhfheueusisiisksksjwjdjdjsisis.
I can’t even describe how wonderful it is.

I’m crying because I don’t know what to say.
Let me rephrase that.
I do know what to say, but I don’t know how to say it.

So for now, ily and keep being you, because that’s enough.
*internallys hugs (because I’m struggling to get closer to you, so I figured internally hugging would somewhat solve the problem)*

PhantomCitizen43 4/7/2016 - 12:45 pm

Thanks for the HUGS.
I wish you well with everything!

mindlessgamer619 4/7/2016 - 4:44 am

Hi there!
I’m in a situation where sleep will not come and my eyes won’t shut, haha.

I can’t even say anything without sounding like a copycat because the Phantom said everything that needed to be said (angrily shakes fist at Phantom) 😛

You’re definitely a smart teen, schools going good, honors classes, the works.

It’s really important you get your HS diploma.. We live in a system where no high school diploma means you have the slimmest possible chance of finding a job and supporting yourself… And you’re a smart kid, as mentioned earlier, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

You said that it’s what you do with the time you have that determines whether or not you can move past something.. That being said, high school will end in time. High school for me was 3 years ago and yet I swear I just graduated yesterday. XD It’s a good feeling to know that you can look at your high school diploma and feel proud of your achievements in high school. So you gotta push forward.

Feeling dead inside… Depending on your personal situation, you can talk to your student counselor or your dean about what’s bothering you and they can point you in the right direction. Even if you have suicidal thoughts that you may not want to discuss, it’s always nice to know that someone is willing to listen and try to help you however they can….

I tend to observe people myself, albeit I’m no good at reading people. I just observe them, pick up on conversations, and at times, end up in the middle of odd scenarios (happens a lot at work). And I do sorta put on a front at work (I work at a restaurant, so I gotta be smiling and engaging, and oh people love my smile, etc. That was the person I used to be, before the depression hit..)

Wow this is really long lol

I’ll end in with these things:
1. I have an LoL account but I absolutely suck at League and barely play it, possibly uninstalled it.. XD
2. I appreciate you and your existence. Posting on this site is not easy for a lot of people, and along with that finding the right things to say to someone are also not that easy, so kudos to you for wording your thoughts in an understandable and thoughtful manner.
3. My email address: treygo47 at gmail dot com, just in case you wanna talk some more.
I wish you the best of luck 🙂

mentally conflicted 4/7/2016 - 7:48 pm

Hmmm. I know I’ve talked to you before, and it was really great–I really enjoyed it. Haha, same. I once was a person who cracked these really corny jokes and made terrible puns. I have to admit, they were hilarious. Smiling would be a normal thing; it was just something I did–even without a reason to smile. But now…I mean things are different I guess. Yeah, I do talk to my counselor. She’s great. I talked to her today and it was relieving.
Thank you for your comment, your words, you time, and just your sincerity.
I appreciate it, and I appreciate you.
You are a wonderful arrangement of atoms. c: <— that's like a smiley face

As for league, what's your username?? Are you level thirty?? Play with me lololol.


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