Or the Universe, or God, whatever, I don’t know. But now that I confessed a little something to my mother, I want to share it with someone else: I think my father’s death was my fault.
I’ve been wanting to die since I was 15 (that’s almost 11 years now), and two years ago, my dad died of Cancer. Tho I prayed everyday that the bloody cancer would left his body and came into mine instead, of course it didn’t happen. And I think, I honestly believe, that that was the Universe telling me “suck it” for wanting to die for so many years and still never doing anything about it.
I feel so guilty. My family fell apart with my dad’s death, and I, personally, got so much worse. Everything would be so much better if my dad were still alive, and I, dead. But even now killing myself is not worth it. My mom couldn’t take it, not without my dad, and that also makes me feel so ashamed, because I’m so ANGRY that my dad died and so I /have/ to keep on living.
My mother said that she could have never made it without me, that she can live without my dad but no without me, but I know it’s a lie, I know how things are and I know how they would be if I had had cancer, but I still felt better after I told her this.
Now I want to talk with my sisters. I want to tell them I’m sorry our dad is dead and I’m alive. Let’s see if I do it.
2 comments
You have no reason to be sorry for being alive. My own father passed last year and I felt guilty for many reasons. It took a bit for me to realize it wasn’t my fault. Your father’s passing is not your fault either.
Your mother is expressing her love for you. Telling you that she couldn’t have made it without you sends a very powerful message. I strongly agree with you wrote that killing yourself isn’t worth it. Your family loves you. You have no reason to.
Perhaps there is some part of survivor’s guilt that you’re experiencing. I realize you wrote that you’ve been thinking about death for eleven years. Sometimes things occur that can aggravate how we’re already feeling. This I know firsthand.
I’m not certain what stage you’re at in life (school, work, etc.). Sometimes it’s possible to have an accomplishment in honor of someone you’ve lost. It might help you remember them while giving yourself less blame.
Hello, and thank you for your kind words.
I should have finished Law School last year, but I was stupid enough to fail my very last test, so I’m doing my last semester now. I’ve been searching for a job for three months and nothing, I am the definition of parasite, really.
I have three older sisters, none of them studied anything, none of them had a job when my dad died, none of his five daughters honour him when he was alive.
I do have reasons to die, just… it’s never the right time. I’m getting so tired of waiting for the right time. I know my mother loves me, but she used to love me more. I truly think she can live without me now. I am nothing but problems, a useless eternal student who have more panic attacks than can count, with social anxiety and depression, and incapable of doing anything right.
Anyway, I’ll look up the ‘survivor guilt’ you mentioned. Thanks, again.