Why am I my worst enemy (and tired of it)

So, there are people who constantly trying to bring themselves down by unconsciously doing stupid things that destroys their life. When they start, it’s a vicious circle that can cause a lot of damages, not only to themselves, but sometimes to the others as well. Why, will you ask. Well, one of the reasons is that in their life, someone or something might have made them feel worthless, useless, unwanted, or even hated. They might have been mentally tortured and stuff, so they end up conditionned thinking uncousciouly their the salt of the earth.

I was often beaten by my mother. And I don’t know why, I have few memories of it, it feels like I unconsciously deleted it from my memory. I barely remember of it, I just remember she often did. I never really asked myself why she did so, I was a nice kid, I was good at school, I wasn’t the turbulent kind, and yet I was often beaten. She didn’t drink or stuff huh, but she was the kind of agressive parent, like you get beaten if you do anything wrong. There is this : my parents never got married, and I feel like I might have been an unwanted child (probly, I guess). An uncle told me my dad’s family didn’t accept that I was his son until I was born. Also, my dad died when I was only 6 months. Tho, my mother didn’t raise me alone, we lived with my grand parents in the family house. Her life wasn’t a piece of cake too, tho.

In-between, here is a video about addiction, and I recognize myself a lot in it (it is related to my post, I promise) :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg

Altough this video’s main concept is easy to grasp, so many would not be able to do so. I’m tired of people. No one never try to understand, everything is always seen as only black or only white. That’s a fact.

So, here’s my point : what if, because I might have steal her youth (she was in her mid twenties when I was born, hm, maybe she didn’t want a kid at that time), her future (hard to find a guy when you’re a single mom eh), maybe the man she loved (aka my dad, long story short he went to a cold town to work, probly because he had a family to nourish then, he died because he couldn’t handle the cold or stuff, so it might have been because of me ..), and because of me, it became harder for her to find a man, since she was a single mother, did my mother hate me ?

I’m afraid I was unconsciously thinking my mother hated me, because I was beaten often, and also she didn’t really allow me to play with other kids (well shee didn’t really like other kids (please don’t tell them that)). So I unconsciously think that I am just a piece of shit, and that I will always be. As I remember, my family wasn’t the expressive kind when it was about affection. I didn’t feel loved, and tho I thought it was normal not to show affection. I say all of that now because I behave in a way I ruin my own life. and I’m soo not proud of the actual me. I don’t want to be that self destructive prick anymore. They say, life is worthless when you have no one. I litteraly have no one. My mother died when I was 12, so I lived with my grand parents, then just my grandma (my grandpa died), then an uncle (after my grandma died), then a cousin (our house burned) (I might have died there, and this part is fucking metal) (also this post is getting way too personal). Also, I have no sibling, and hem I have no friends. I’m tired. That’s a lot to handle. I don’t wanna be my worst enemy anymore, I want to stop being self destructive, I want to love myself enough to stop destroying my own life, but at this point, I’m too tired.

I’ve considered several times about doing it, and yet, I always feel an urge to stay alive. At some point I was even wishing I didn’t instinctly want to stay alive. I’m really self destructive. Also, no one is here for me, I feel like no one never was, I only have myself to tell me I did my best, and to beg me keeping on trying my best. I’ve even lost the only person who ever really meant anything to me. I wish I was like these people who dies of sadness (some actually does), so this might end. A rematch if reincarnation is revealed to be true, haha. Or not.

The video below sums up my actual life, and I might do as well as him in the end.

I just want to say, I’ve been by myself pratically all my life long, and I’ve been tought enough to made it to here and now, but sincerely, it’s getting harder everyday.

All I can do is to trust the universe.