I’m old now. I wasted my youth being too scared to go out and have fun. Instead i worked at a crappy department store using my money to help my family out of endless drama until I was thinking about killing myself every day. So I re enrolled in college with big plans to be a art teacher. Today I failed the $90 Praxis exam for the 4th time. I was not even close. I’ve missed the deadline to be screened into the education program again and will have to wait another year. This is the only thing I’ve ever tried to to for myself, just for me. But I failed again. I’m a loser. I live at home with my parents, I’m fat and ugly, and I don’t really have any friends. I hate myself. I want to die right now but I don’t want to go to hell or have my family have to pay back my student loans. I’m going to look into finding a way my family wont have to pay back my loans and if I can do it I think I’m going to let go. If God isn’t real and I just stopped existing I would be ok with that. Really I have been thinking about it for a long time and Not existing would be better than all this misery and pain. I don’t know I just wanted to tell someone without them calling the police on me or making me feel guilty. The only thing i am actually good at is working like a dog and spending all my money on my family. I’m a mistake.
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4 comments
Wait a minute.
If you die with student loans your parents are required to pay back the debt? Did they co-sign the loans? It seems unfair to have family members pay off a debt they didn’t agree to.
You are never too old to have fun. There are lawyers practicing who have failed the bar exam over ten times. Everyone is bogged down by loans. I know quite a few people, who owe hundreds of thousands. Loans are fucking shitty but you aren’t alone in that regard. Art is your passion? Please keep pursuing it. You are not a mistake. Most people this generation live with their parents, it does not make you a loser. You see yourself ugly and fat but someone may find you intriguing. Looks are not everything, but maybe try finding something you do like about your features. I admire your tenacity. I know you are worth it and you helped your family consistently financially, something most people won’t even consider sacrificing. Friends come and go. It does not mean you cannot make any new ones. If you do not have any now it does not mean you never will. Just my opinion. Sorry if this came off wrong.
OK a year! what’s a year? really it’s nothing, take that year to study and pass that exam. pursue your dream.
Hey. Its okay. Yes things really really suck right now. You have taken this test 4 times right? 4 times is alot of practice. I know failing is hard. Its a real hit to yourself. You wish you could do better i have failed many times and im sad to say many times i was not active enough to try again. But you tried 4 times. Thats commintment. From what i see you really want this. I would love for you to go for it. I suck at it but i love drawing, painting, sculpting. My favorite classes in school were art. Im not lieing. It was theraputic to sit and draw. It is okay to feel bad. It is okay. Im not judging you. We all feel bad and we all either give up or keep going. I just think it would be really cool if you were an art teacher. And hey. You may not be americas top model or what ever the guys model is called but uglyness, attractiveness is a matter of prospective. I have glasses and im so freaking white i literally almost shine. Its bad. I just took the stance of meh who gives a f*** either love me for who i am or get walkin. I never said that to anyone mind but i never tolerated someone who didnt like me for me. As far as living at home. Its understandable. The economy is tough. Jobs are scarce and wages are slave labor. I would blame no one for living at home. The cost of living is so high. All in all. I really hope you give that test 1 more shot. Even if its a year away. You could go into their offices and ask if something is possible. And if not just study up at least once a week over the year to keep the info fresh. I think you can do it. It is what you decide to do how ever. And what ever you decide is okay. No judging.