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All of my bullshit

by Thatonedepressedgirl

I’ve spend every fucking of my life wanting to die. I’m only 13 and I’ve dealt with a lot. So where should I start? How about when my father left my mother because she was pregnant, because he was married. My mother of coarse didn’t know, she isn’t a homewrecker. But he didn’t want me, and my mother didn’t even know about be until she was over 6 months pregnant. She didn’t show and still got her period, when she did show she went to the doctor and they told her she was pregnant. She didn’t want me either, but she kept me. The only time I’ve ever met my father was when I was three, I have the faintest memory of my little self running up to a man and yelling ‘Daddy!’ as he picked me up and set me on his lap. My mother has tried to contact him many times, and he doesn’t want anything to do with me. My mother has never been married, or dated anyone after him. So I’ve never really had a father figure.

Now lets get into my childhood, how about we start with the fifth grade? That’s when I started to get bullied, we had a health teacher from high school come in and talk about eating disorders, health, you know all that bullshit. At that time in my life, I was around 45 pounds, I’ve always been small, VERY small. I’m only 4’9 in height and 56 pounds right now. I’m perfectly health I guess, besides the curve in my spine, and other things, but it doesn’t affect me in my daily life. I eat like a cow, but the teacher was talking about it and asked everyone who was from 60-80 pounds in the class to raise there hands, I didn’t and everyone else but the one overweight girl did. The teacher asked me how much I weighed and I said ’45 pounds miss.’ (I have always been a good child.) She looked at me and walked out, pulling me from my seat and in front of the class, incredibly loudly asked ‘Are you anorexic?!’ I said no, because I’m not. She took it upon herself to call my mother and tell her she thinks I’m anorexic and to watch me, from then on, everyone calls me anorexic and I lost all of my friends. My depression got really bad after that.

I was home schooled for sixth grade and that just worsened my depression, I’m an outgoing person, so not having human contact fucked me up. So for seventh grade I went back to school. (I’m in seventh grade right now) We have had a ton of money problems, my mother and I fight all the time because we are both stressed. She had to take the money I’ve saved up for two years to pay for rent and she has yet to pay me back. Now we are living at the beach and things are more stable, but I was told I have clinical depression and serve anxiety. Now I’m going to a therapist, I just started and I’m going for the second session on Wednesday, but I’m still dealing with being called anorexic. I was told by one of my three friends that they over heard some people say. ‘The definition of anorexic is “My name”‘ and everyone laughed. I am bullied still due to it, and I’ve told teachers, everyone and nobody gives a single shit. So at this point I want to kill myself. I already know how I would. I’d take some sleeping pills on New Year’s Eve. Then when the new year starts, I’m left behind in the old. I read it in a book and I mean I think it’s a pretty good way to go.

I think the only way that I might not kill myself is going to a mental hospital, to get away from all the BULLSHIT that is my life. For a long stay too, not just like a week, I mean for fifty days or something. My mother would never put me in a mental hospital even if my therapist wanted me to go to one. She thinks the medication and therapy will keep me from killing myself. I have cut before, never to deep and I’m a month clean, lets hope I can keep it that way. But I would love to go anywhere but where I am now. So yeah, that’s my story? I hope my mom will come to her senses and send me somewhere so I don’t kill myself. Bye.

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4 comments

SadPotato 4/2/2017 - 4:05 pm

I’m sorry that you’ve went through all of this. I’m also sorry that you’re considering offing yourself at such a young age.

Bullying is unfortunately far too common. However, it doesn’t last forever. Remember, school is only a minuscule part of your life. You have still so much life left, and things to do. Hell, in my eyes, one’s life almost only really begins when you’re out of school. O and I wouldn’t recommend your chosen me+hod. It’s been said many times on this site, but pills are highly unreliable and you’ll most likely survive. It will only make matters worse.

SeeSmith 4/2/2017 - 6:25 pm

That level of fuckery is awful.

You’re probably having problems with friends and classmates because you are leagues smarter than them.

Trips to hospital for mental health issues is not fun, so I’ve heard here. But you can go. Just start telling an adult at school that you are planning to kill yourself. They will have some bullshit questions they will ask you over and over. How? When? Why? Pick a story and stick with it. They will call your mom. Stick to the story. Eventually it will dawn on the school administrators that you are serious and they have a liability issue if they simply turn you loose.

Once you get admitted they are going to make you “talk” about your “feelings”. You can choose to fuck off at this point or you can try working with the program. You might learn something.

I know 13 is hard, especially if you know what’s? going on. (I sure didn’t.) This is going to sound impossible but you need to keep your head down for five years. (You may get on top of it all. Some people really do transform themselves in high school.) It helps it you have a musical talent, or a field of study, or a language, or an art passion – something you can bury yourself in and use to block the world.

Other than that, high school is just drama, drama, drama, and drama. Learn things if you can. Study people if you can. Grow a thick skin if you can. Befriend the weird and the marginalized – they will ultimately prove the most trustworthy.

In the end you will see that everyone is flawed and there is a ton of shit you have to let slide or the massive injustice of it all will make you crazy.

When being chased by tigers you don’t have to be the fastest, just faster than the next guy. Life is similar. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be less flawed than the next guy. Manage that and chances are you’ll have a long, reasonably happy life.

Thatonedepressedgirl 4/2/2017 - 7:36 pm

Hey, thanks for the advice, I guess I’ll keep working on my shitty art. I wish I was better in school, so that’s not the reason they mess with me, it’s just because it’s me.

SeeSmith 4/2/2017 - 7:46 pm

No, they mess with you cuz they are PURE EVIL.

You can still be smart and suck in school.

Work on your art until it’s more YOURS than SHITTY. I happen to know someone that would want to inspire you. Here is a Google Photos Library of her art work…

https : // ***.gl/photos/WjX4j5wpoz8SPw8W6

Keep coming here to blow off steam.

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