I feel it aching

March 23rd, 2018by lonewolf23

It’s about to happen. I can feel it within me. The next phase is about to commence. I feel a great ache for growth. All the things i couldn’t do. All the things i didn’t do right in the past put me into a paralysis as soon as high school ended. And for 3 years time has just kinda went on its own. I feel like I’ve watched myself go through these past years in 3rd person view….almost as if i was in auto-pilot. Emptiness from realizing that things could have been better had i just not been so depressed. If i could have just trusted people instead of being such a loner. I’m sure everybody worried I’d shoot up the school someday. Heck people would joke around about me doing that. It bothered me because I was no stereotypical loner, I was no Nikolas Cruz. I didn’t hate anyone. I wasn’t weak like all these other loners who go around hurting people. I was just so sad. Yes i had bullies but i quickly forgave those who hurt me. I knew their taunts weren’t anything personal. I knew my bullies just had problems of their own so i forgave them. I am not one to carry hate so easily. I am one who forgives often yet i can’t forgive myself. I know i have to forgive myself in order to let go of the past. The past can’t be changed so i must let it go….it doesn’t exist. Now is the the only thing that will ever exist. There is no past. I’m aching for life and so I will live on. But I’m tired of being in this paralysis. I am ready to accept my circumstances and what i have to do to move on. I have a bumpy road ahead but I’m ready to take it head on and make up for lost time. I want to live life to the fullest. In order to do that I’m gonna need to live in the moment. No more overanalyzing past events for me….they are irrelevant.

 

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