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I feel it aching

by lonewolf23

It’s about to happen. I can feel it within me. The next phase is about to commence. I feel a great ache for growth. All the things i couldn’t do. All the things i didn’t do right in the past put me into a paralysis as soon as high school ended. And for 3 years time has just kinda went on its own. I feel like I’ve watched myself go through these past years in 3rd person view….almost as if i was in auto-pilot. Emptiness from realizing that things could have been better had i just not been so depressed. If i could have just trusted people instead of being such a loner. I’m sure everybody worried I’d shoot up the school someday. Heck people would joke around about me doing that. It bothered me because I was no stereotypical loner, I was no Nikolas Cruz. I didn’t hate anyone. I wasn’t weak like all these other loners who go around hurting people. I was just so sad. Yes i had bullies but i quickly forgave those who hurt me. I knew their taunts weren’t anything personal. I knew my bullies just had problems of their own so i forgave them. I am not one to carry hate so easily. I am one who forgives often yet i can’t forgive myself. I know i have to forgive myself in order to let go of the past. The past can’t be changed so i must let it go….it doesn’t exist. Now is the the only thing that will ever exist. There is no past. I’m aching for life and so I will live on. But I’m tired of being in this paralysis. I am ready to accept my circumstances and what i have to do to move on. I have a bumpy road ahead but I’m ready to take it head on and make up for lost time. I want to live life to the fullest. In order to do that I’m gonna need to live in the moment. No more overanalyzing past events for me….they are irrelevant.

 

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6 comments

clipped-wings 3/23/2018 - 9:16 am

Lonewolf I am glad you’re moving on. You seem like such a nice guy. It’s hard to break out of isolation, but you can do it. Don’t let yourself be held back.

lonewolf23 3/23/2018 - 5:40 pm

Thank you clipped-wings. I guess I do hold myself back often. It’s a strange reaction i get when people try to get to know me. I’m lonely yet when the opportunity arises for a connection with someone, I hold myself back….probably out of fear. But I suppose nothing bad will happen if they’re genuinely nice people. I regret not giving some of the nerds or geeks a chance. I couldn’t even trust these people in high school. Though that’s not to say they were stereotypical geeks and nerds either. In reality they were just people like me. Decent people too.

clipped-wings 3/23/2018 - 10:39 pm

Do you fear rejection because of your ethnicity? If so, how are you working to get past that? It sounds to me like you are making great progress! You don’t seem like the same guy you were a few months ago! And I’m so glad! Keep going my friend!

flutterby 3/23/2018 - 10:47 am

Don’t stop analyzing things completely but yes over analyzing is no good. Get to a conclusion and solution and store it then move on. I used to overanalyze too and it’s not good. Don’t confuse analyzing with dwelling either. That’s no good either. It’s good to understand how we can do things different though. It’s good to have understanding. Understand that most change comes from within so maybe just stick with self analyzing and self realization.

lonewolf23 3/23/2018 - 5:32 pm

Thank you flutterby. You have a good point.

lonewolf23 3/26/2018 - 4:05 am

Well to be honest, that may have something to do with it. I am actually using exposure therapy. I figure the more i hang around the places i fear, the less my fears have power over me and the more i realize there’s nothing to fear. So far it’s working, I’m trying new things. Walking downtown used to be so terrifying for me but now I’m doing it often and by myself too. None of my fears have been validated yet. And even if something bad does happen, I won’t allow myself to think everyone’s out to get me. There are bound to be a few bad apples in every neighborhood….that’s just life. But i realize now that i shouldn’t focus too much on that negativity. It only consumes me when i do.

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