I’ve tried asking for help. Yesterday I outright said, “I’m getting ready to jump off a bridge.”
There wasn’t a reaction. I was honestly considering doing it. I was wishing and on the ground screaming in my head.
“Why am I forced to live? Why can’t I just die. What’s the damn point? Let me die. Let me die!” I’ve fallen asleep like that and the moment I wake up I feel so much dread at the thought that I had to wake up. That I have to deal with another day and no one understands. Why does she not say anything useful when I tell her that I shouldn’t have been born? She changes the topic and it hurts. It hurts because I ask for help. I’ve asked for help so many times.
I just can’t say what I think is the cause out loud. I was fine for a long time. Then one day, for no reason, I remembered. I remembered what my brother did to me. And I can’t say anything, no one would believe me now. I don’t even think-does forcing me to touch him count as anything? He was like 11 and I was about 7. I think. And he had me touch myself. I didn’t know what we were doing. He said that it’s good, it would make me feel good.
I can’t say these words out loud. I don’t even know what to think about it. I just can’t get mad at him for it. But wasn’t it wrong? I think it might be. Now I’m afraid of any interaction with the other members of my family and it has been over a decade. So, yeah. Maybe it did and does make me feel bad. It’s so confusing. How should I feel? I didn’t have to, he didn’t force me. Why didn’t I just leave? I said no, but I never yelled or cried. I could have tried harder. Now if something ike that happened I think I would. It’s my fault since I could have told my parents. And I could have not followed him into the room.
What does it count as? It’s not rape. It can’t be assualt, I wasn’t hurt. These thoughts keep circling in my head and I can’t make sense of them. I want an answer. Would he even remember? There is rarely a day that I go without hurting myself or looking up ways to kill myself. And in my life it feels like I never have an answer for any situation. That makes me want to disappear in the most permanent way. I can’t take it anymore.
It feels like any wants I have are submerged underwater. And I have to fish around to keep them afloat enough to actually say what I’m thinking out loud. It’s like I know I should say them but I can’t find the urgency or care to talk about it. This is one of the times where I can feel my thoughts enough to express them in some form.
2 comments
your mother might avoid the topic because she isn’t equipped to handle such a statement, or know how to properly address it because it’s out of her scope. so maybe she changes the topic to something she does understand.
as for the other, something for you to look into.
http://www.yoursocialworker.com/p-articles/child-sex-play.htm
there’s different articles on the subject, and i’m just going to point you in this direction and hope it might help you figure something out. there is a difference when one is a child and one is an adult, and part of that is knowledge/awareness. I can’t say anything beyond that for your situation.
Sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I hope you get to read this, but it’s not your fault you had no idea, and even if it didn’t feel bad at the time it doesn’t mean you were ok with it, you were acting in your innocence, how did you supposed to know that it was going to hurt you in the future? You couldn’t have. No one suppose to know if you don’t want to tell anyone, your brother messed up your guys relationship, maybe he also didn’t know that what he was doing was wrong. None the less I know that the damage has been done. Your case is bad but there are much worse cases. I hope one day you are able to convince yourself that you should not let that experience cause you any feelings of shame, from what you wrote I don’t see why you should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you find healing.