I don’t understand

  June 3rd, 2018 by ByeRhodey

I’ve tried asking for help. Yesterday I outright said, “I’m getting ready to jump off a bridge.”

There wasn’t a reaction. I was honestly considering doing it. I was wishing and on the ground screaming in my head.

“Why am I forced to live? Why can’t I just die. What’s the damn point? Let me die. Let me die!” I’ve fallen asleep like that and the moment I wake up I feel so much dread at the thought that I had to wake up. That I have to deal with another day and no one understands. Why does she not say anything useful when I tell her that I shouldn’t have been born? She changes the topic and it hurts. It hurts because I ask for help. I’ve asked for help so many times.

I just can’t say what I think is the cause out loud. I was fine for a long time. Then one day, for no reason, I remembered. I remembered what my brother did to me. And I can’t say anything, no one would believe me now. I don’t even think-does forcing me to touch him count as anything? He was like 11 and I was about 7. I think. And he had me touch myself.  I didn’t know what we were doing. He said that it’s good, it would make me feel good.

I can’t say these words out loud. I don’t even know what to think about it. I just can’t get mad at him for it. But wasn’t it wrong? I think it might be. Now I’m afraid of any interaction with the other members of my family and it has been over a decade. So, yeah. Maybe it did and does make me feel bad. It’s so confusing. How should I feel? I didn’t have to, he didn’t force me. Why didn’t I just leave? I said no, but I never yelled or cried. I could have tried harder. Now if something ike that happened I think I would. It’s my fault since I could have told my parents. And I could have not followed him into the room.

What does it count as? It’s not rape. It can’t be assualt, I wasn’t hurt. These thoughts keep circling in my head and I can’t make sense of them. I want an answer. Would he even remember? There is rarely a day that I go without hurting myself or looking up ways to kill myself. And in my life it feels like I never have an answer for any situation. That makes me want to disappear in the most permanent way. I can’t take it anymore.

It feels like any wants I have are submerged underwater. And I have to fish around to keep them afloat enough to actually say what I’m thinking out loud. It’s like I know I should say them but I can’t find the urgency or care to talk about it. This is one of the times where I can feel my thoughts enough to express them in some form.

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