Home My Suicide Note I cant do this anymore. I want to give up.
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I cant do this anymore. I want to give up.

by lostallhope123

Its just so hard to live this life. I have been living with depression for years and I dont think I can take it anymore. I want to end this life. I know the pain it would give to my family but I’m past the feeling to think about others and hesitate. I have become selfish who wants to end her own pain rather than thinking about the ones who love me. I have done enough for them and I cannot do even just being alive for their sake. Let everyone know how hard was it for me to keep pretending that I’m fine all these years.

I fell in love again with someone knowing that there is no future with him. I started looking forward to future. Now he wants me to accept the reality and move on. I never thought I would love again with my state, but now I feel more and more broken than ever. I’m at my worst state. I have a life that others envy – loving family and a good job. But I hate my life. why life is so hard, how people look at it positively and want to achieve something? I dont understand.

He advises me to be happy and positive and to value my life because there are many unfortunate people out there. so what? Comparing my life with others is not going to ease my pain. Even if I’m fortunate in other’s eyes, in the end, I’m the one who has to feel the pain and deal with it. I don’t even want to try to solve this because I know nothing can help.

I cant just describe how much pain I feel, in words. Its beyond explanation and no one could possibly even understand. I have to somehow wait for 3 more months to end my life because of my current situation. But passing every day seems so so difficult for me.

I wish I could die right this instant and free myself from this feel. its hard to wait. I feel so out of it and I feel so empty. I’m so desperate to die. All the day I’m thinking about how, where and when to die. Nothing else is on my mind. I wanted to tell someone how I feel. please don’t advise me to value this life. I hate this shitty life.

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7 comments

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/2/2018 - 5:59 pm

Yeah I don’t understand it, staying alive because someone else wants you to cause they “love you”
Personally, I don’t give a shit if you love me or not, and either way I don’t love you, so badabingbadaboom it’s a waste of my time.
I’ve somehow waited 6 years that I didnt want to live and every moment was meaningless, I get it, three more months is a pain in the @ss. I’m hoping I can get out of here in a very short time.

lostallhope123 9/2/2018 - 6:26 pm

I have never opened up about my depression to any one except the guy I love. I’m tired of hearing tonnes of advice saying I’m the only reason for feeling this way and its all in my hands to overcome it and that I’m not choosing to come out of it. Words are very easy to say but the no one can truly feel our pain. So sharing it to someone who is just fine, is going to make us feel more depressed and pressured. I’m feeling better to see someone who feels the same way as me, someone whom I can relate to.
I wish you too find peace soon..

Lifelong Loser 9/2/2018 - 9:40 pm

I know exactly how you feel.. Because I feel the exact same way.

I wish so much that there was an easier way out, that didn’t affect anyone else. Hardly anyone cares about me, but there are a few I would greatly hurt (including my 2 yr old daughter) that I don’t want to hurt.. But this life has become empty, lonely, obnoxious, frustrating and pretty much unbearable 90 – 95% of the time.

I just can’t take it anymore. Life has crushed me and pushed me past my breaking point.

I hope you find peace in whatever way works best for you.

TrappedMind 9/6/2018 - 11:31 am

I’m feeling the same, so, can totally understand how you feel.
I envision myself jumping off a building all the time, if only I have the courage!
I have young children whom I don’t want to hurt, so, I kind of stuck in this world.
So, I’ve decided to then try my best to treat myself well while I’m stuck here, such as buying things I like, sound things I like.
Everyday I wish for death to fall upon me.

lostallhope123 9/6/2018 - 11:00 pm

I know its very difficult to explain the feeling of being stuck and helpless when you are in the edge of giving up every single day and being forced to move on. But you have young children, I just can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to keep moving on in the name of such commitments when you don’t want to. But I really wish you to find some hope in them somehow and get out of this negative feelings soon. I feel bad to advise someone when I clearly know words do no help in easing our pain. My boyfriend keeps advising me and I feel so irritated looking at how easy is it for him to say in words. I refuse to get better or to get some help. But dear, please do not do the same. Please do not give up. Keep going. Meet new people, you will find some hope via them too.

TrappedMind 9/6/2018 - 11:25 pm

I’ve accepted the fact that I’m stuck here, and suicide is not a choice for me. Therefore, I’m trying my best to give permission to myself to treat myself well, do things I like. In fact, I’ve finally booked a trip away by myself for the weekend, after years of thinking of doing it but never did it due to guilt. I’m looking forward to having no responsibility for the weekend, but also hope that the plan would just crash.

I like this site. Reading that other people are feeling the same makes me feel more understood.

lostallhope123 9/7/2018 - 1:05 am

It’s really good to hear that you have decided to take a break and give time for yourself. Yes, I’m sure you will feel better after this trip.
And, it’s true that this forum makes us feel that we are understood without having to try so hard to explain our feelings or struggles and without being judged. It makes me feel good too to see it’s not just me and I’m not alone in this struggle.
I’m looking forward to hear from you about your trip:) Hope you have a good time.

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