Home Chronic Pain Im going to commit suicide because I have chronic pain and it breaks my heart.
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Im going to commit suicide because I have chronic pain and it breaks my heart.

by Bamsa

I’ve never thought I would be writing this. But I’m going to kill myself ass soon as I gather enough amitriptyline.

I’ve had a very happy childhood and very loving parents. I have always been a little shy, but I’ve managed to make some good friends. I was always very introspective and I’ve always been the type of person who thinks that an unexamined life is not worth living. I am a woman, by the way.

When I started college I had a bit of an emotional breakdown and was prescribed some antidepressants that didnt work, but I never ever thought I would kill myself. I studied both biology and music. I love biology and I love science with such a pasion it makes me teary to just think about it sometimes.

So I have loved ones and I have a pasion, but 2019 kicked me hard. Firstly, a weird rash appeared on my entire face making me a complete hard-to-look-at monster. Dermatologists said it was incurable, so I had to get used to the idea that I would never have a partner (or a man interested in me) and probably would never have children. When I thought I had hit rock bottom, it turned out that the rash was a product of another disease that brings me constant and painful headaches and trouble seeing. But thats not the end of it, I also have a problem in my stomach that makes my throat hurt every moment of the day. Its been 4 months of this nightmare.

Ive been to numerous doctors and nobody seems to know what to do, and they keep telling me that what I have has no cure. But I have to keep living with it.

How am I supposed to live with contant pain and with a hideous face? Every single one of my dreams would be impossible now.

I’ve had the courage of telling some of my friends that Im planning on commiting suicide and they all just tell me to keep waiting until things get better. Things will never get better. I’m an invalid watching the whole world have fun and fulfill their dreams, while I’m at home in constant pain that will never stop and knowing that I will never have a significant other.

I feel betrayed by life, and worst of all, I feel terrible I didn’t enjoy my healthy years as much as I could’ve. So much time was spent studying and working, preparing myself for a future that was never meant to come. It breaks my heart.


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swoftiebunsx 2/18/2020 - 7:20 pm

no, please. suicide isn’t the answer, death is supposed to be natural. i can’t fully understand what you’re going through, just know that it’s not going to be worth it. it might not ever get better, but as long as you’re alive. as long as you’re trying to live life to the fullest and be happy, that’s all that matters. what you’re going through right now might put a temporary stop from what you want to achieve, but please work at it. live. live for all the people you love, the hobbies you enjoy doing, the food you want to taste. please. live. and i don’t know you and i can’t stress this enough — i love you.

Bamsa 2/19/2020 - 2:05 pm

Thank you so much so much for your message. It made me cry a little bit. I don’t want to do this to my parents. I don’t want to be just an old picture to them, but everyday is so hard. And I have no hope left.

mountaingoat 2/19/2020 - 7:58 am

That’s a sad story. Real sad.

I hope you can hang in there. These are the kinds of stories that people who get through them say made them who they are.

A rash and pain in stomach. Hmm. Just because you haven’t found healing doesn’t mean there isn’t any. Really. I’ve seen some people healed of painful conditions with alternative therapies. I myself had tendonitis cured with a therapy called myofacial. The doctors could do nothing.

Weird symtpoms like yours can be from sensitivities to industrial chemicals. Some people are very sensitive.

It’s not caused by nothing at all.

I know it sucks, but, if you can bear it, you’re going to benefit from living a painful life. Believe it or not there are more things to do than get a partner and settle down. Accept your fate, if you can. Life doesn’t last very long and soon it will be over and you’ll have another. Let this one be, if you possibly can.

Bamsa 2/19/2020 - 2:11 pm

Thank you for your message. I really don’t know how much I can resist. And doctors don’t seem to care. I always think that I should tell them that the pain is driving me to suicide (maybe they’ll try harder to help me), but Ill probably just end up in a psychiatric guard with more pain and more misery.

muspelhem 2/19/2020 - 2:11 pm

Feel bad for you. Can relate a bit to the shame/fear of judgement/fear of rejection you (I think?) express RE: the rash on your face. I caught herpes last year, and it kind of feels like dating just went from difficult to impossible.

Don’t know what to tell you about the pain, that sounds horrible. But regarding your appearance, I would encourage you to try to face your fears. Maybe there is someone out there who wants you? Not everyone is as visually-oriented. Some people are blind. Someone might just not care as much about what your face looks like. It might look worse to you than it does to others. So many possibilities.

I have lived much of my life in fear, and as a consequence, my life has gradually shrunk. I was so afraid that I turned in on myself instead of opening myself up to the world and risking shame, embarrassment, ridicule, rejection, etc. etc. etc.

Not to say that rejection isn’t painful or traumatic, I feel like it is.

Anyway, I personally hope you get better, get reprieve from your pain, and that you decide to live another day (or more). STEM is growing by leaps and bounds, and who knows what will be possible in a few years’ time?

404 2/19/2020 - 3:50 pm

it isnt uncommon for me to have headaches daily. different health/mental problems and having thick unruly hair doesnt help. but headaches aside i do know what its like to be in constant pain. i have (if i remember correctly as its doctor stuff that im not the best at lol) spondlylolisthesis and lumbar scoliosis. basically im missing bones, my lower back is out of place because of it and my lower back is shaped like an S instead of my whole back like normal scoliosis. my parents suck and stopped taking me to the doctor roughly a year after it was discovered and had me doing stuff the doctor told me not to do (suck as shovel snow, haul wood. and the doctor said i cant participate in gym class but doing and lifting heavy things was fine. (no it doesnt work that way but like i said my parents suck)) point is nerves are constantly being pinched in my lower back and it kills. i have fallen because my back gave out. and the worse part is im currently 20. sitting, standing, laying down, it all hurts and im not taking much in the way of medication for it because i 1) wasnt prescribed any painkillers and 2) not much works. i try creams, cbd, it all helps a little but it still hurts. and none of this even mentions the fact that i could become paralyzed from the waist down. (although i did go to the doctor a few years back because i had moved out by this point and my back was so bad i literally couldnt walk, anyway the doctor said i would be fine and it wouldnt get any worse but that doesnt mean a fall, car accident or whatever wouldnt push my back out any farther which he didnt say would happen just a fear i have) and i want to open a bakery. i dont know how much you know about the industry but it involves HOURS of being on my feet which will kill my back.

my point of the whole thing is i get pain. and i get that it really sucks and in my case can completely destroy my entire life i have planned for myself (if i dont commit which is another story) but its not something to kill yourself over. did you talk to your doctors about ways to relieve your pain? maybe cbd i know sometimes it works wonders for my back although lately has done nothing. maybe a hot or cold compress to give you at least a few minutes of relief throughout the day. without much details there arent many things i can suggest other than ask your doctor. i know there are somethings that can help with a sore throat but seeing as it is a problem that starts in your stomach i dont know if they would work.

also isnt biology (google says: Biology is the natural science that studies life and living organisms, including their physical structure, chemical processes, molecular interactions, physiological mechanisms, development and evolution.) what if you turned your focus towards human biology and maybe see if you could put your knowledge and love for science to not only a personal use but help others like you and maybe try to figure out what is wrong and who knows maybe one day in a lab you will help maybe not create a cure but a way to make it more tolerable. just an idea

a1957 2/22/2020 - 7:57 pm

Chronic pain has to be the worst. Turn on Netflix, and see the program called Heal. It only deals with people “modern medicine” has left behind.

LifesBeenGoodToMe 2/26/2020 - 5:17 pm

You love biology & science, as do I. If it were me I think I would go scientific and seek a solution for all this myself. I think I’d create a journal and document this and that on a daily basis. And I’d begin with a month of altering the pH of what I consumed (less acidic). So, tea rather than coffee for example. Search for “alkaline diet”. Note any progress or otherwise in your journal.


I think I would research collagen and what it’s made of. As I recall, L-Lysine and Vitamin C are the main ingredients of it. Obviously, it sounds like I’m giving you competing advice here in that citrus is acidic. But the idea is that… even though citrus fruits are acidic, they have an alkalizing effect in the body. (Go figure.) Maybe I’d try to see if this is a Vitamin C deficiency sort of thing and put that on my list of things to try.

Mineral water versus bottled water: Our bodies need minerals and (evil) companies like Nestlé have convinced everyone that bottled water needs to be purchased at $8-per-gallon.

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