I don’t really know what do with myself anymore. I think that these thoughts are gone but they aren’t. I finally had gotten rid of them but they came back. I don’t even know why I have them too. I have a great life and I am very grateful. So why the heck do I still feel like this.
My thoughts are that I just want to leave. For ever not to another state just leave this earth. But I don’t want to die? I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to disappear from this earth and everyone forget I was a person. But although I have these thoughts I don’t have much of a reason. And that’s why I feel so trapped. I feel like I’m not allowed to feel this way since nothing traumatic has really ever happened in my life. I just feel hopeless. Stuck.
I want to leave but I don’t want people to suffer. That’s the thing is that I know people will suffer I know people care for me. So I just don’t understand. I just hate myself not others. This honestly has nothing to do with other people. That’s why I won’t ask for help. I don’t even know what I would say in the first place. Because again I feel like I don’t have a reason to feel this way. Like I feel like a bad person for feeling this way when I don’t have a reason to.
Ugh I don’t know what to do anymore hopefully writing on this website will help me find why I may be feeling this way. Hopefully it does because at this point im tired. Im tired of feeling happy and the second im alone with my emotions I start all this drama in my head. Im tired of feeling out of place and people thinking I have no reason to feel this way. Maybe I do. And that brings back to my point on why I keep quiet. Any time I bring it up people always ask me why? Why would you feel that way. I have sooo much more trauma that you have ever seen. And yea they have a point. But the truth that they don’t understand is I don’t know why i feel this way. I just can’t explain it. I just do.
So I just want to leave this planet. Make everyone forget I existed. That I was never born. Because im tired of feeling this way and feeling confused. Because I feel bad that I feel this way because it’s just first world problems? Right? People just don’t understand that if I could understand what is wrong with me I would be so glad. But the truth is I don’t know either.
3 comments
Talking about your moods with a doctor might help.
I was kinda forced into that in my younger years but what I learned at least gave me some kind of explanation even if it doesn’t solve anything. I was diagnosed with BPD, it is more prevalent in people with previous trauma but can be in anyone. Basically this diagnosis explained to me why my moods can flip like a light switch so quickly, and when it happens I at least no longer beat myself up for my mood switches too.
Also, many things are treatable with medication and therapy, it’s not for everyone, and might not work, but if you haven’t already it’s worth trying.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this too.
Wow…. If I didn’t know any better I’d say that I had written that post myself, I have been feeling the exact same way. Wanting to disappear, leave the planet but not wanting to die,
I’m sincerely sorry that you’re in a similar place to what I am. I’m sending you a big virtual hug.
You mentioned first world problems, they’re still problems. This is probably a terrible analogy to use on this website… however…. Someone who drowns in 7 feet of water is just as gone as someone who drowns in 20 feet of water. We all deserve support and recovery including you (and myself).
I don’t know if this comment will achieve much, this is the first comment I’ve written in years, but I hope for you, that it can make you feel like you’re not as alone as you may feel like you are. Your feelings are valid.
I’m sending the most positive vibes your way that I can muster.
Oh!… My… God!… I though I was the only! My friends, I really think it should be an option. To disappear, with no remais left, no one would remember us, not even God. All the universe forget about us. All our history just deleted, cancelled, erased… Different from you, I have consistent reasons to hate my life, my story, my self. So my main reason is SHAME. I think that thevhistory of my life is so ugly and mediocre, that it does not deserve to be placed side by side to other nice histories. My story does not deserve to exist.
So all I ask is for acthird option: not hell, not paradise, just nothing, the dark abyss of nothing. Why can’t we have that option?! Seems so unfair!