I planned to end it a couple years ago when I was in high school , but now i’ve graduated from college and started University. Everyday, at the back of my head, I struggle to imagine a future for myself because I feel like i’m way below average and I won’t be able to make it in the working world. I choke on my words when talking to anyone I’m not close with and I feel like a social failure. My thoughts of ending it were harsher than they were now but I still dream of dying everyday.
My life is actually not bad but I feel guilty for living especially with my self inflicted scars. I don’t deserve to live as happily as I do now. Sometimes I feel jealous of my family members that have passed. Some of them actually had a purpose and maybe a will to live. I feel bad for being jealous of the death of my close family, I miss them so much and I wish I could’ve taken their place.
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How does someone become deserving, if that is even possible? None of us deserve what happens to us, life provides a series of circumstances, and we make the best of them.
Further it must be noted that no amount of wishing will bring the departed back to live in your place. I’ve lost plenty of family with more lust for life than I, and every one of them will stay dead regardless of how I end. Further, in knowing and telling their stories I may be all that is left of them.
I think, common to most of us around here, you are better than you suppose, and you expect too much. Whether such things are reasonable to expect is a matter of some debate, but matching expectation to reality is the key to happiness.