i wish i would just do it already. i dont know what stops me. other than being a coward. i feel like im at the brink of losing it. ive already failed. im a failure. but being a not-failure is too much. being a somebody – doing anything that matters – is too much. i am so tired. but ive done nothing. literally. nothing. i am nothing. what am i even holding on for. theres nothing. fucking nothing! i shouldve killed myself long ago. 2018. i dont know what stopped me then. or now. or ever. theres no point anyway. this world is awful. im awful and part of the world.
sometimes ill still pray – begging anything out there to just take me out – or give me the courage to do it myself. its not like my existence means anything. not really. i dont matter. i am unworthy.
thoughts plague me. i cant ever sleep properly anymore. i think its making things worse.
im not even sad. just spaced out. i cant quite grasp reality as i once could. too stuck in my head. oh well.
my stomach is killing me. absolutely spectacular.
3 comments
IDK….. suicidal as I sometimes am, I wouldn’t do it anywhere near Christmas, because Christmas already has enough sad stuff going on, I’d probably do it in July. I hate July, it deserves my death happening in it
I hope you can get some sleep. No sleep makes the pain worse. From what I can tell, you need to be really backed into a corner for that final push. You’d be suprised just how inate the will to survive is ingrained in to us, regardless of what our conscious mind tells us.
Being worthy of anything is a bit over-rated. I guess that’s extremely hypocritical of me, but I think the people who live only for their own pleasure are really cool. Either way I hope you find whatever reason to keep going. I atleast think you deserve to have that.
i get this so deeply. why should it matter if i die now if its going to happen anyways and will not affect anything in any way? there is literally nothing worthy in this earth and everything has no purpose. my existence is really not needed. and i dont even know why i am so deeply, impossibly sad for no reason. nothing has even happened to me and still it doesnt go away. why should i keep on living like this? how do others find joy and peace in this bleak ass life?