I Want To Stop Being A Curse

I hate myself. I continue inflicting my pathetic self on other people. For what? Because I’m selfish enough to want to be loved? Fuck that. I keep fucking up and making mistakes, mistakes with serious consequences for the people around me. My family disowned me because I wasn’t dedicated to their cult. My ex hated me for being mentally ill and struggling with my disabilities. The person who took me in keeps having to clean up my fuck ups. I almost got her evicted because I fucked up writing on a legal document. I. Cant. Stop. Doing. Stupid. Things. Every time I try to take initiative, every time I think I can be a mature adult and step up to be a productive and useful member of society I fuck something up. I hate being stupid and I hate knowing WHY i am stupid. I dont know why I still bother to live, I am only a curse to people who come to know me. I keep becoming someone’s burden and I don’t want to be anymore. No matter how much therapy or self-reflection I do, my issues continue to affect other people when I don’t want them to. The worst part is, there’s no way around this. I HAVE to be around and affect other people in order to live. Even my death will have an impact and I want none of it. I am sick and tired of it, but there is nothing I can do. I cannot escape perception and everything I might try to do, only makes it worse.