This is such a weird, yet brilliant website. A place to explore each others internal thoughts, without having to know each other’s name. Reading each post here, I know more about some of these normally unheard people than the people who spend every day with them. Maybe some of the users of this website get annoyed by the use of this website by teenagers, sadly like myself. Anyone who has been through teenage years will blame it on hormones. “Everyone feels the same at your age” “This is normal” “Everyone goes through hard times in their teens” and I’m left feeling no better than I was before. And I ask myself this, no one in the world can know how I truly feel by me just telling them. I don’t have the words to describe my fear of life and death. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling that follows me around everywhere I go. The feeling that every bone in my body is quivering under the strains of everyday life. No one who isn’t experiencing it themselves can begin to understand the feeling that everything inside of you is being pulled downwards. The feeling that you should be lying on the floor at all times, where nothing can reach you. If ‘everyone’ feels this way in their teens, how do so many people get through it? How do so many people hide it so much better than I do? How do so many others manage to take photos, laugh, use the internet, watch films, read books, see friends and enjoy the years which are commonly said to be ‘the best years of your life.’ I’m afraid that for me, they most definitely are not. I am haunted every night by dreams of suicide. The idea that everything can be lifted from me in just one moment. Dreamless sleep that lasts forever. There’s not one thing about my existence that I would miss. Hence why I constantly wish it away. My problem is that I am scared to die, but I still have an overpowering fear of life and living. I just don’t want to feel anymore pain anymore. I don’t want anyone else to feel pain because of me.
But if we all want to be gone, why do we wait around to tell our stories before we go? Is it one last cry? As if someone is going to reply with a sentence that is going to fix the entire world? No, of course not. People could spend eighty years searching for that one word that makes everything alright, but they’d die trying to find it. We are all so desperate. We aren’t even trying to encourage each other. It’s almost like we look around this site, seeing the other people in the same situation and it doesn’t fill you with hope that it isn’t just you. It just fills you with the realisation that this is all one long struggle. That we’re all just waiting. Waiting for our time to come. Why can’t we have just one last ounce of control, and choose our own time?
1 comment
“We aren’t even trying to encourage each other. It’s almost like we look around this site, seeing the other people in the same situation and it doesn’t fill you with hope that it isn’t just you.”
I don’t know about that. There are plenty of people trying their hardest to survive here, and encouraging others to do the same. That doesn’t mean every post is a word of encouragement, because we’ve been through enough to know that those words don’t always work. Sometimes they feel like a cruel mockery of our struggles.
So most of all I feel this is a place to come where we can understand one another. Because like you said, if we haven’t experienced another person’s pain, there’s no way we can understand what they are going through. And there are plenty of people out there who will never understand.