I was scared because I haven’t really felt anything at all in ages. No sadness, no happiness, no pain, no tears, no fear, no excitement, no laughter, no love, no hate. Just apathy and indifference. And not feeling anything scares the shit out of me, because I think that feeling all these emotions, good and bad, make everything real. And nothing felt real. And for a while it was good, because often feeling nothing is better than the level of pain I feel at times. But then feeling numb gets cold and sad and even more depressing than the sadness itself.
But this morning I felt somewhat alive again: I went to the train station with my friend to see her off for the rest of summer, and for the first time in ages the thought of jumping in front of a train didn’t even cross my mind once. And when I was walking back home, it was warm and sunny for practically the first time this summer (British summer= bad) and I was wearing some really cool sunglasses and listening to my ipod. And then ‘Color’ by The Maine came on. And you know when the right song comes on at the right moment and for that moment everything feels a little less fucked up? That happened and it was amazing. And I continued to walk home listening to that song and reminding myself of the words  ‘we all feel a little fucked up sometimes’.
And it helped. It really did. I wonder if maybe ‘getting better’ is just made up of moments like these, and real smiles and laughter and feeling less alone for a few minutes. And I hope everybody feels this way from time to time, even if the sad moments outnumber the happy ones, I hope that there are at least one or two happy things to think about to help people get through the day. And I just wanted to document that I was happy and felt sort of alive for a while today. I’m not saying I’m better or mended or that I’ll ever be fully okay, just that today was a good day and suicide hasn’t been at the front of my mind. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that I will see it and face it because at the moment, I feel fairly strong. And I wanted to tell someone that.
So did any of you have good moments in your days today? Not necessarily turning points, but just moments where you felt slightly okay or different from usual, because I hope you did. If not, maybe tomorrow? Maybe tomorrow can be said tomorrow as well, and the tomorrow after that, and every tomorrow until tomorrow finally makes you happy for a moment, and maybe tomorrow you’ll be happier again. Maybe tomorrow.
5 comments
Maybe tomorrow.
If only it wasn’t always ”maybe”…
this was inspirational;… thank you for sharing that with us. The thought that today was a good day for you makes my day that much better. Thankyou.
Getting better is realizing that feeling alone is absolutely a universal for everyone, from time to time. Getting better is realizing that, while people are leaving you alone, you are also leaving them alone. It’s realizing that tomorrow does not exist yet, but today does exist. Right now exists.
It’s realizing that a plant without sun does not hope it’ll find sun tomorrow, because without sun right now, it will wither. So it grows up, above the things shielding the sun, and finds the sun.
Poke a hole in the clouds and find the sun.
It’s great to hear that my good day helped with yours as well @Sunflower, thanks 🙂
That makes a lot of sense @Orangish, I think my sun’s finally starting to rise and shine again, at least it has today and I hope it will tomorow, thank you for sharing that 🙂
I had these moments, they come and go but lately I been trying to trick my mind into being happy by trying to play a old computer game AoM or treating myself to something that taste great that I haven’t had in long time. Sometimes when I’m with my best friend I’m able to get a good mood, but it always sucks when we have to return back to our world.