This is me by the way.
Alright, well my names Michaela.
And I am 18 years old.
I just got out of the hospital on Monday for my depression and suicidal ideations.
I have been begging and pleading for a specific persons help for a long time so i wont have the feeling and urge to kill myself.
But he has been treating me like shit, putting me on the side and making me feel worthless.
I have had it.
He was the only thing keeping me alive and he just stopped caring even though he claims so. but actions speak louder than words and there has been no action.
Since ive been out of the hospital, and when my depression kicks in, he refuses to see me for a few minutes to help me out just because he’s hanging out with his friends.
Im done with this.
I was hoping and praying that for some reason the world would end today but obviously it did not.
Im waiting until after Christmas to complete the act. I really dont want to disappoint my family right now at this time of year.
I will be leaving the house and getting a hotel room most likely.
Ive got a few days to plan things out.
I wish I could have done it today because im to the point where i have no emotion whatsoever.
All i ever wanted was his care again.
His love,
His concern.
Everyone may say blah blah dont kill yourself over some stupid boy.
he wasnt just some stupid boy. he was my everything.
He knows i want to die, but thinks i wont do it.
This will show him.
Maybe afterwards he will realize all that he could have done for me that was so simple to keep me alive, and the girl he “loves” alive.
11 comments
sorry bad choice get over him and find a new love! thats my advice.
Don’t kill yourself to prove that you can kill yourself. I get that you want him to understand how serious you are, but the truth is that he probably doesn’t want to know. Nobody can understand people going through depression until they have gone through it themselves. I’m guessing he is around your age, and an average 18-ish year old guy does not want to think about anything so seroius as suicide. He wants to have fun with his friends. He wants to have fun with YOU. And I think he cares, but is scared and doesn’t know how to handle the situation. I hope you seriously reconsider your decision…
Ive already written my letter to him. ill post it if your interested.
Go for it
Zachary,
Im so sorry that ive put you through so much, hopefully now it will be the end of it.
People say it will get better and a load of shit like that, but i think that im a lost cause. there is no way i can love myself because of all the things ive done. but when you began loving me, i started to believe otherwise. then you stopped loving me and i began feeling more and more worthless.
I never thought you of all people would abandon me, leave me hurting and stuck. i promised myself every single day that if you still loved me, i had a purpose to be alive. after hearing how much you hated me, I began feeling weaker and weaker.
A promise i made myself was that if today, December 21st, you would see me to help cheer me up, I would have a reason to believe that everything may start looking up. But you denied me for some reason i cannot understand, just so you can have a regular old night with your friends. i wish you could understand how desperately i need your help so i can get better.
As your reading this, im already on my way to the hotel room. ive had this planned out for a long time, but i was praying every single day for a sign not to but its already too late.
no sense in calling my family, friends or the police. there’s nothing they can do and they dont know where i am.
Im so sorry, and i wish the best for you.
Love,
Michaela.
The last part is because im seeing him tomorrow night to drop off the letter, I had already booked the reservation for the room yesterday.
Girl if its any consolation I’m going through pretty much exactly what your going through.. Dont know the details of your situation really but I just broke up last month with my abusive fiancee of 5 years. It hurts like hell. I wish the world would have ended today too.. shame it didn’t.. I don’t know what advice I can give you other than I’m here for you and I feel your pain. Its so hard trying to reach out to him.. to anyone.. and have them turn away or not take it seriously.. I will take it seriously though and I’m not glkng to tell you not to do it.. that’s a personal choice but please maybe we can talk and just be there for each other
Hey Michaela – you are a beautiful young girl and I really hope you find a way to hang on and not do anything rash while you’re hurting so terribly. I know how much it hurts not to get validation from the one person on the planet you REALLY feel like you need it from… but I think putting this on him isn’t going to get you the result you want. If you back off and give him a chance to miss you a little, you might be surprised that he reaches out to YOU. (and by “miss you a little” I DON’T mean by anything so final as killing yourself!) Or he could just truly be done with it all emotionally… guys are just not that well-equipped to handle we females and our surplus of emotions sometimes 🙂 Like JustTooLate says, he wants the fun stuff, not the Srs Biznss hardcore drama stuff. *big hugs* I truly hope you don’t kill yourself.
Thanks guys, I just might reconsider.
MIGHT.
Ill give a follow up post tomorrow.
Hi Michaela, I really hope and pray that you reconsider taking your life. You’re a beautiful girl and you have your whole life ahead of you. I know (from personal experience) that it really hurts when you love someone and they don’t love you back, but its part of life and its a learning experience. Sometimes, things just aren’t meant to be, but its not the end of the world. I’m sure you’ll find another guy to love eventually. Plenty of fish in the sea.
Hi, shinigamimicha.
I can relate to you quite a lot (especially in terms of feeling abandoned and unwanted by loved ones). By the age of 7, I wanted to take my own life when I thought I couldn’t stand being unwanted anymore.
Though, I fought against the idea because I realised life was given to me to cherish, not to waste. I was determined that if I fought through further emotional challenges, I would become emotionally strong. And today, I do feel strong.
I believe you can be strong too and suicide isn’t the way to prove your strength or that you have the guts to face death. Suicide is also not good if you want someone to feel guilty for not treasuring you – partly because you never know… he probably does treasure you but doesn’t quite know how to express it (like SadBk and JustTooLate said above). Even if he doesn’t treasure you, it is not your problem and it’s his loss anyway. You just don’t have to die to prove the point.
If you do kill yourself then it’ll be your own and your parents’ loss… Why do they deserve to lose a lovely daughter like you over some young kid who doesn’t know how to treat his girlfriend? Why should you die now when a bright future may secretly be waiting for you?
It seems like you have a strong need to be acknowledged by the one(s) you love and believe me, they have more reason to respect and admire you if you continue to live and if you’re determined to win.
Hey Michaela,
I recently went through something like this. 2012 was the worst year of my life. I thought about death almost every single day but I convinced myself to be strong for just one more day. And now I’m still here and even though I’m not where I want to be I know there must be a reason I’m still alive and I have the strength to look for it. I know you don’t want anybody to tell you that it gets better (I hated it when people said that to me) but believe me, it does. Just take it one day at a time. You never know what the future has in store for you. You deserve a future. I hope you reconsider your decision.