Why??!! Why??!! Why does everybody always say that I’m happy, and I’m funny and laughing and stuff?! Do they really don’t see that HUGE mask I wear most of the time??? It’s just so crazy. Today too, I was at the part-time therapy (monday till friday from 9am till 3pm) and the group and the therapists thought that I was happy and that everything was okay, and so on. And that while they know I wear often a mask and that it goes really bad with me right now. But how hard I tried, they wouldn’t believe me I’m feeling really bad and that all the laughing and smiling was just an act. How can they EVER understand me, if they don’t understand this? I’m feeling really helpless and lonely and misunderstood. If they just believe me, they would know that it only gets worse and worse. If there won’t be any difference, I’ll be dead in a couple weeks, cause I just don’t wanna live like this. I’ve been thinking a long time about suicide, but every time I fought against those feelings. Now I’m just sick of fighting and constantly been knocked down. I’m really desperate right now…Please, someone help me!
Little poem:
They say I’m always happy,
and that I’m good at what I do,
but what they’ll never realize is,
I’m a damn good actress too.
9 comments
Engeltje,
your a good actor / acteress if you can fool them you will! i’m a pretty good actor myself!
this feels true for me too
nobody sees the real me and even I don’t know the real me
i’ve even been told that i wear a mask
great poem btw, it really sums it up
If you want them to know you are sad, just tell them the truth….don’t smile, don’t laugh, don’t act for them…fuck it, I am assuming they are getting paid to provide this therapy or whatever…get your money’s worth if you really want help. demand it. Tell them they are doing a shitty job if they don’t know you are unhappy and tell them your friend Tapestry says so….You don’t have to act for anybody unless you are on stage and then you better at least be getting flowers or paid for the performance. Fuck what people think of you, show them the real you.
I think it’s easier for them to believe that you are happy then to accept that you are depressed and pretending to be happy on the outside. I think that a lot of people pretend to be happy just to make it through the day. It’s a lot easier to wear a smile then to cry and have everyone asking you ‘what’s wrong?’
Thanks everybody for your lovely replies.
@Tapestry I really appreciate your reply. They know (my therapists) that it goes really bad with me, but the problem is that they won’t believe me because of the mask I wear. I wish that I just could take that mask off, but the problem is that I don’t know when I wear it and that I couldn’t show my real feelings because I feel numb and empty inside. :(. Today at therapy I had a talk with my mentor and I told her that if the next couple of weeks won’t get better, that I won’t be here anymore. She reacted like she didn’t really wanted to believe me and she said: “I’m going to look what I can do for you.” Well, I have nothing at that answer -.- I just hope one day they will really understand me.
@Dave_N Why would a psychotherapist believe that I’m happy if I told them I’m not?? I mean, they are supposed to HELP me, right? Not to give me the feeling they don’t care.
I understand I am a great actor as well…though it feels like it’s now a curse because no one believes I’m depressed and want to die.
eatsouls,
why do you want to convince them? they will put you away.
I also come off like that to people, just really happy and shit. But you should tell someone that it’s really just an act, someone, anyone you trust. It’ll feel better i promise. people probably love you so much, you would be missed so so much
@ Musicflower, look the problem is that I HAVE told people, but they wouldn’t believe because they see me laughing and being happy and they think you can’t act that. Well, ofcourse it can, because I act like that. And I can’t also take off my mask, because I don’t know when I wear it and I can’t show my real emotions because I feel numb and empty inside…. Do you understand it??