I’m not lost, I’m not in pain, I’m not under that much stress (22/m/In college), I don’t have too bad a life actually. My dad is unemployed so with my part time job I’m helping him stay afloat back home but I don’t mind. He wiped my ass when I shat my diapers as a baby and now I’m repaying him by helping him when he needs it. I’m not religious. I never understood the whole God thing. Not that I didn’t go to church. I really tried to believe, I wanted to believe, I just couldn’t buy into the invisible dude in the sky watching me, it just never clicked (I’ve looked into other religions and they are the same I just can’t do it).
For lack of a better word for how I’m feeling I guess I would say I’ve grown tired of living. Everything seems like a chore. I mean I’m going to school to be able to get a job to be able to have a house to have food to basically live. I’m living to have a job so that I can live, if that makes sense. I feel like I’m just existing as another cog in the machine. I’ve been feeling this way for about a year now. Friends say, “Exercise it will make you feel great!!!”, so I go for a run and when I finish up 2 or 3 miles later I’m a tired version of how I felt before.
I think the only reason I’m not dead right now is guilt honestly. I know my dad loves me and my death would destroy him. He would blame himself and I don’t want that. I’m renting a house with other roommates and I don’t want to leave them with the burden of paying for my part of the rent. I see suicide as a selfish act. Taking one’s own life to me is like saying, “I don’t care how anyone feels about me and my life so I’m doing something for me”, and it’s that guilt that has kept me going on. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid that once these burdens start going away that I’ll start losing reasons to go on. I’m existing to exist and I’m tired of feeling this way and I don’t know what to do. I don’t have insurance so seeing a doctor would cost money I don’t have. All my extra money goes to dad to keep my house back home. So I ask my question: Why go on?
This is basically how I feel in a gif with sound^^^^^^^^^^^^
PS: Sorry for talking too much
32 comments
It must hurt to feel that desensitized? jaded? to the world.
Well mark you sound like me minus the dependent father. Life doesn’t have an intrinsic point and there is no god. The more you think about it the more meaningless it becomes. I try to not think about it. To me everything in life is really just a distraction from that truth. Find some distraction that you can appreciate. Might be tricky to afford them in your situation. I’ve skydived in hawaii and roasted marshmellows over lava in Guatemala and you know what? …kinda boring. But for me tho going double the speed limit on a smooth looping curve with a motorcycle…ain’t that bad haha. Knowing you’re going 50 around a curve with your knee danger close to pavement while you feel 649cc wanting to just slip from under you and throw you into a mangled heap is exciting. The smile on your face when you come outta that is pretty good. If you can manage do get these distractions frequently and then a cute girl…that’s pretty much the best life has got to offer as far as I can see. I’m 21 btw.
@markymark: I’m impressed you can keep going on out of a sense of obligation to others. I’m 18, just finished freshman year, am heading overseas for a summer internship, and won’t be coming back. I’ll have said goodbye as frankly as I dare to everyone who matters to me. How can I keep living for others, when they demand that I be happy, and if I am not happy they will abandon me to save their own mental health? They’re going to abandon me ANYHOW, which will only make me feel worse, so why (the question isn’t simply rhetorical) should I stay here, bringing everybody else down?
I agree there’s no purpose to life other than what someone (or a group like the church or government) makes up. I agree there’s no god. And we’re all dying ANYhow. So why shouldn’t I just jump to the end now if I hate the stuff that precedes the end?
Calimike, sounds like there are some things that distract you from the truth of life–an exhilarating ride, a cute girl. I read your comment to Mark: “[f]ind some distraction that you can appreciate.” To such advice I ask, what do you do when you’ve tried countless activities and ideologies and none of them offer sufficient distraction–especially if there are things you very much want but which for reasons beyond you you cannot make come to pass? Sounds like in the absence of distraction, the truth of life is itself a good enough reason, at least for me, to get the hell outta Dodge.
I call it distraction most people call it living. When I’m not talking to suicidal people I call it living. If you can’t appreciate life for what it is then you will likely kill yourself sometime. But you want something. A man that cares and loves you, right? If you got that then life would be worth it?
@Calimike: Hell yeah! But dude, I may be naive but I’m not dumb. Anyone with 2 neurons synapsing can realize that even in the best of situations romance doesn’t usually work out. The way our culture works–the alphas get their pick, most of the others settle, and those at the bottom, well, society needs its roads, something-body to walk on top of…
I’m not sticking around hoping for someone to love me or care for me. True, it’s what I want, but I don’t have the energy anymore to try to find it, especially knowing the odds.
I guess you answered my question: “If you can’t appreciate life FOR WHAT IT IS then you will likely kill yourself sometime.” Indeed.
Hollywood romance is bullshit but unable to find someone who cares about you mmm I dunno about that. Are you bottom barrel? You give the impression of it even that’s not the case.
Cali, I don’t know about Hollywood romance. If Hollywood is effective at peddling its vision of what romance can be, to me that says that is what people want, and some of them must be experiencing it even for a short while. People do want uber-attractive, happy, successful. Hollywood can only stoke the fire, not create it.
I don’t know if I’m bottom barrel. That’s the way guys treat me. And I don’t buy the “you’re looking for it” argument. Crap happens to people. Humans are predatory. Prey doesn’t see itself as prey or go looking to get ripped to shreds. That’s just the way life works very often. I do believe romance, even Hollywood polished romance, can and does happen. I just don’t believe it’s likely for everyone–and is less and less likely the further people are away from the top of the social hierarchy.
Mostly, though, I have no distractions. So on that front I agree with you. No distractions + truth = death sentence.
In March I met this dude in Europe who’s willing to set everything up if I just go with him. At first I was kinda scared. Now, though, what the hell have I got to be scared of? The pain can’t be as bad as this sh*t. Didn’t mean to be offensive or depressing.
Whaaat…some random euro dude is going to help kill you. WHAT THE FUCK. like whaaaa. Tell me this story.
It’s simple. I met him on here when I used to just “listen,” before I worked up the nerve to create an account. We started emailing and he told me about ********. He is very sick (physical disease) but can’t arrange things at his home. I have to leave for a summer internship that begins 21 June in Switzerland. He’s never pressured me. He’s always just listened to what I’m going through. And when I researched the organization (China) selling the drug (I used my parents’ medical and pharmaceutical connections to verify the source has been legitimate), I discovered he was telling the truth. So I’ll go there, rent a flat, and we’ll do what we’ve planned.
When I leave the States in June I’ll just take a detour to meet him. Besides my mom & dad I have nothing else that matters. And we both know you’re right–that without a viable distraction people like me just won’t make it. If it matters to you, my parents are both physicians and med profs & have had me see countless shrinks. I’ve even been through ECT. Nothing worked, and one of the leading W Coast psychiatrists pronounced me “drug-resistant” depressed.
Anyhow, I just mean that you’re right. Some of us just aren’t going to make it. Like really sick animals in the wild that just curl up in a gutter and die. It’s nothing personal; it’s just nature.
Yea antiemetics and 6 grams of ******** will do you in right quick. I can’t shake the feeling that if a good guy loved you…you wouldn’t be tryin to die.
Cali, you sound like a smart man to me. What is a “good guy”? Don’t you think that in our culture where we’ve asserted the ultimate good is self expression (or realization of potential, whatever), that eventually someone grows tired of the same old partner? Nearly every state, in recognition of this (at least of it at the core), has done away with “at-fault” divorce. People are allowed to up and leave & start all over now, and that legal change, at least, reflects the shifting values of our culture. Partnerships and promises are so 20-th century. This is the age of the god-individual. The only thing that matters is doing what makes us feel good.
I’m not going through that crap. I don’t got what it takes to keep people around me. I’m smart and hard-working, like the tower computers you buy to work to their deaths as servers. What people WANT, though, is the sleek, sexy notebook computers. That I ain’t.
If I could get that stuff here in the States, I’d have already done it, man. But there’s something comforting about knowing I won’t have to do everything alone. Ever since we started talking, he and I, I’ve felt calmer, knowing it’ll soon all be finished. How did you learn about it? Here? Your own research? I hear it’s the only near-certain painless, fast way. Is that what you’ve determined too? Care to share your own story?
Doctors arent worth paying for anyway, I can’t believe they actually charge you in America! that said it probably means better ‘treatment’ .. as for the god thing thats just another example of how religions actually turn people away from god simply because they are NOT God and most of it is just a crock of shit. Blinding people eyes just because they believe in lies.. Undercover SCUM.
Oh, Painman. I could hug you, you big grizzly bear! 🙂
@calimike- There was a guy who failed suicide with 6.5 grams ******** on a google group I frequent. I’d recommend at least 10 to be safe and not end up with brain damage.
@IowaGirl- Hey IowaGirl, you say you have treatment resistant depression? Have you considered trying Ketamine? There’s been some groundbreaking research for those like you have tried everything. It’s a dissociative drug that when used in low doses is a strong anti-depressant and has relatively few side effects. Worth trying I’d say.
Tupac, thanks for the heads up on the ********. I also thought the dose was about 6g. But I think 10g is a little price to pay for certainty. Thanks-thanks-thanks.
As for trying ketamine, I don’t want to try anything else, man. What would I be trying something else for? So I can be content being … me? Nah. I’ve wondered what the point in getting “better” to live a life others perceive as a waste would be–not that I’m talking about my own life. I just mean, I think there are some lives worth living and others not, a choice I get only the one living the life can make. But I don’t want to live mine. Got another life you can sell me? 🙂 It’s all good. I’m down with getting the frak outta here.
But thanks a billion for the ******** heads up. That’s priceless!
6.5 and he didn’t die…very hard for me to believe he did it correctly. You need antiemetics so you don’t throw it all up. Was on alt.suicide.holiday?
I looked into that ketamine info too I was interested. From what I read its a very very small dose that is mainlined (IV) and shows results for 2 weeks per application. I don’t like needles anywhere near enough to iv. If it was possible to snort and get the effects I would try it.
@lowagirl: 🙂
@tup: I did ketamine once, I was sliding down banisters and in a ‘k hole’ .. too much not good! lol
Cali, are you a West Coaster?
Born in San Francisco spend most my time here or over in san rafael a bit north over the golden gate
@IowaGirl- No problem. I understand I hate being me as well. Death is what I want and am aiming for.
@calimike- It was on a group called suicide methods hideout. He/she probably did something wrong I assume but it’s smart to be on the safe side when dealing with something as serious as suicide.
As for the ketamine you can snort it. Most people who do it recreationally snort it. I assume it’d work just as well as IVing it but it’s not really in a controlled environment so be careful with that. Don’t go deep into the K-hole as they say.
There has to be a medical reason why you can’t snort it…is it as simple as being too troubling and inaccurate for medical research?
…yea I guess so.
It probably makes it look too druggy-esque or something stupid like that. Also yeah, it’s probably not as reliable as giving a controlled dose because when you snort it the amount that’s absorbed depends on your boogers in your nose and your particular nose structure and shit like that I suppose.
TupacorBiggie…or Nas OH YEAAA
I might just choose Nas over both Tupac and/or Biggie. I love ’em all though man. =)
@Cali–Palo Alto here, man. If you happen to be in the barrio before mid-June.
@Tupac–then we’re on the same wavelength… Where do you find the web communities that haven’t been identified & shut down yet? Mostly on IRC?
You go by the name iowagirl and you tell me your in palo alto. Freaking internet I swear. You get people who say they’re young and they write as if they’re old. People who claim to be women and they write like guys.
@Calil: I hear what you mean. In that regard I think the Internet is great because it lets people be who they really are instead of having to play a role society demands. I hate having to be soft-spoken because people expect a waifishl girl like me to act a certain way–quiet and diminutive. When I’m online I can just be me–ask questions (hopefully respectfully) without having to worry about someone trying to institutionalize me. Or answer them honestly without having to worry about kids blacklisting me.
I get the old/young thing. Some of us are “old” because our culture won’t allow us to be our true age. When was the last time you saw a non-hot chick slathering up a Mustang for some charity function, not a care in the world as the water soaks through her skin tight T-shirt, her barely clad buttocks pointing up in the air at 45-degrees? Yeah, that’s not something normal girls like me get to do. We’ve gotta be serious and docile. WTF.
But what does a guy write like? That one I can’t tell, unless it’s references to alcohol every third sentence… Just kidding. Sorta.
So instead of being the latin girl from palo alto you want to be the white girl from iowa. You happen to be flying all the way to switzerland for a med internship and you happen to have talked with a guy in switzerland who is going to help kill yourself and your 18. The only thing that seems on par is getting raped by a guy on meth. Yea that’s sounds like palo alto to me. But also why don’t you have that cash in the bank. Who walks arou d with over 2 racks unless they are doin illegal biz. Ever heard of a checking account?
But wait you claim both your parents are psychs…you must be asian.
Are you seriously attacking me? Really? On SP? Huh.
No if I was “attacking” someone you would know. I’m just kinda suspicious especially internet shit and if there was ever the possibility if I could be talking to some lawman. I really don’t like cops. Back when I used to slang…which I don’t currently…I’ve had them try to set me up numerous times. I’ve had them have guns in my face in LA when I was your age. I was just thinking like is there some desk jockey with a badge who monitors this site and they try and bullshit you and then get you for some bs assisted suicide law or something. I know probably way left field… just cops do some rediculous shit sometimes. Its been ingrained in my head.