Alone.

I can’t keep from dwelling on the fact that I set myself up to be alone. I’m used to people not being there for me, but normally there’s those few people that are always there.  This time even they have drifted away. It seems like over night I slipped back into my old skin of sadness and loneliness. I thought that I had learned to be happy again. She opened up a whole new world of beauty to me. Was it a new world so sweet or was I just blinded by her sweetness? I’m so confused and numb. I’m remembering what it feels like to be alone. I quit soccer. I feel like soccer might have given me a short lived distraction from this pain. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I know that it will just lead me down a darker road than this. I don’t want to go back to using drugs and alcohol  to suppress and drown  my feelings. I feel distant, the days just pass meaninglessly. It seems like every time I go back to this place it gets darker. Now that she has gone, what am I to do? Do I love her? I wish I had all the answers. If Kiera leaves also then what? Will I have to find new friends again? I’m tired of negative changes. I can’t seem to abandon the thought that this is my fault. Do I drive these people out of my life? Is mutual love out there? I want to be loved for the right reasons. I want to be loved because someone has tried to know every bit of me and loves me. They don’t have to love my faults just excepting them is enough. I feel like I’m relying on my friend Bryce too much. I feel like I have it in my head that he’ll be there but I know he’ll have enough of me. I’ll get to being a bother to yet another person. I just want someone to be here and stay. The comments people make towards me. Fag. Why do people say hurtful things? I just don’t understand. I’m bound to be alone and it’s all my fault. I’ve brought this upon myself. People ask if I’m gay. Why does it hurt so much? Why can’t I just let it go and ignore their snide comments? To them it’s just a comment that’s all. But to me it’s the words I’ve heard for years now. I just want to zone out, sleep, disappear, do something I’m tired of living as me. Why can’t I just be someone else? People just throw around the word love like it’s meaningless. Why can’t someone stay and be there for me whole heartily? This is pointless, If you’ve read this far thank you. You’re probably a great person and I hope there are people there for you.