I am a 23 year old girl from India… I am an engineer and I am doing my post graduation now… I have a loving sister, an over protective mother and a really nice father… they love me indeed but out of all the love they have for me, they just fail to see how screwed up my life is…
I was in a really committed relationship for almost 3 years… And it’s been a year since we broke up… He was my first and I wanted him to be the only one… here in India SEX is everywhere but it’s just a taboo when it happens out of the wedlock…
It does many times and when things go wrong it’s always the girl at fault… you lose respect in the society and people look down upon you as if you have done the gravest sins of all… Family elder’s relatives everyone..!! You and your family becomes a mocking stock in social gathering let alone you are invited to one…
I was bought up a vegetarian… But I learned to cook meat for my guy… I turned a non vegetarian for him… he was a Christian… and I am a Hindu… he never asked me to convert… but I thought that it is something that I have to do to prove my love for him… After all no matter if it’s Jesus or Ram or Rahim… there is only one god… just different names…
But after 3 years of dating he said that he’s dumping me for someone else… which I now believe was just a lie to get rid of me… 2 weeks after he dumped me, I found out that I was pregnant… I asked him hypothetically what if I was pregnant; he said he wouldn’t want it… I had just quit my job for higher studies and I was still living with my parents, I had no other way but to kill my child no matter how much I hated doing it…
My life has been hell ever since… my parents never knew about my little affair, and they forced me to live with my uncle (my father’s youngest brother and his wife) throughout my 2 year PG course… My uncle and aunt found out about my Ex and me and snooped around to find out other details including the sex and the abortion… they mixed it up with other false accusations that I am on drugs and that I drink and smoke.. They topped it up with a cherry and told my parents that I am a slut!!! My parents confronted me and I denied it all including my ex…(I still live with the same uncle and aunt who told my parents)
Parental permission means a lot here and they are not even letting me move out… every day I look at these people I have to laugh at their stupid jokes and dine with them, knowing the kind of things they told my parents… if it was just my parents I would have been alright… they told other family friends and relatives too.. Every now and then I get calls from my distant cousins and acquaintances asking me if the things that they hear about me are true… it hurts the most when they ask me about the baby…
I have begged pleaded and even logically asked my EX not to ruin my life… to help me out of this misery… he says that wants nothing to do with my life and I have to face the consequences of my action… he asks me to hope for a future and to make a new ‘friend’… he is out there having fun, partying and sleeping with other people, enjoying his life to the fullest and here I am suffering., every one looking at me as if I really were a prostitute.. I cannot attend a family function without strange glances and lewd comments passed at me… the worst part is the despite everything that he put me through, all the pain and cussing and rejection, I still love him very very much and I wish and pray every night to keep him safe and only for good things happen to him..
When I met him first I was very popular in college…I had many friends…I was ambitious and wanted to excel in my field… now all that is left is a vague shadow of the person that I was… family reputation is quite important in Indian society.. 95% of the marriages are arranged by parents and they do everything to find their child a good match… My reputation is affecting my younger sister too… My mother is forcing me to marry her choice and calls me selfish when I decline… she says that I am being a road block in my sisters life.. I cannot tell her what I am going through… I just want to run away… I was a fool in love and now everyone knows about it… I just wish I could escape the judgmental glances and mocking tones…
Ps: I don’t believe that getting in a relationship and getting married is the ultimate aim of life… but I have done much for my ex, risked so much, I risked everything for him that I don’t think I can do the same with anyone else… I just don’t think I can trust anyone anymore… I just don’t think I can love and loose myself in any one the way I did with my ex… Every time I even remotely try picking up the pieces and decide moving on, I see my baby’s face and it all goes downhill from there once again…
I bought what I thought was KCN form an online dealer placed them in gelatin capsules and gulped them down last night…I went to sleep hoping never to wake up again.. But here I still am… this seems like a only viable option… I don’t want to be a roadblock in my little sister’s life…I want her to be happy… it been a very long time since I have smiled… I have no friends… the only wishes that I got for my birthday this year were automated emails from my bank and my email account provider… I am just fed up of fighting and being trying to hold on and hoping to be strong…
I never wanted my life to be this way.. Is there any other way out?? I am going to try partial strangulation tonight… if anyone is reading this post I wish you would pray for me to succeed in what I intend to do tonight…
13 comments
thats a harrowing story. i spent some time in india, maybe you wanna chat, write me at supsuckah @ yahoo . ca
thank you so much I have just planned to wait out a day more..
KARMA WILL FIND HIM ONE DAY…..
you believe in karma?? i have heard that Karma is a funny thing!!
I am truly sorry you had to go through these events…. whatever you decide to do I hope that you find the peace and relief you seek ….see you on the other side…
I am just going to wait a day longer.. thank you so much for reading my story..
I can fully understand your feelings. It’s always women who have to “face the consequences” in such cases. As women we have to face not the consequences but that we have zero real power in this world and can’t do anything to change this. If a woman does about the 1% what regular men do on a daily basis she is called to be a slut, prostitute, disgusting, etc., who have to suffer from the “consequences” in her whole life. Especially in places like India or Eastern Europe where I live. Yes, we have to face our purpose in this world is to be slaves who are only good to be used as doormats. If we don’t want this, we have only 1 option. I’m sorry for your baby, I’ve never been pregnant, but I can imagine it must have been terrible for you, especially because you couldn’t tell it anyone. I have also such a “great” family. I really feel for you. I wish you a fast and painless journey. I’ll follow you soon. Which was good for Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf, will also be good to me.
Hi girl, I was thinking on you.
I know it’s a suicide website, and I’m also here to seek a way out of pain, but you are just too young and intelligent to die.
Have you ever thought about going abroad to work or study? I know there are some scholarships for 3rd world young women in computing. Of course, I can’t see your whole situation, but it could solve some problems you mentioned in your post. Distance and travel could help you forget the boy, you could be far from your family so you wouldn’t feel as a “roadblock” in your sister’s life, if you get a good job, your family could be proud of you + in the West nobody would care that you aren’t virgin at the age of 23(!) and that you had an abortion. You could find a man who loves you and treats you well, or you can also choose single life.
Please reply something. I know it sounds strange, but as far as I don’t care about myself, I don’t want you to die. You’ve already achieved so much… And the boy you love seems to be so worthless… it’s not you who should die.
thank you so much for saying this… i don’t really care much for the virginity thing either.. its the other things that eat me up constantly, relatives, F**king society, and these blood sucking heathens whom i am forced to share this house with….. i am sitting here all alone with all the supplies that i need to carry this thing out and i had this sudden urge to come check all my online accounts one last time..
i have one more year to go, before I complete my Post graduation and i can get a nice job somewhere.. Hella, today was the last day to pay the fee for my final year.. if i hadn’t payed the fee today, i would have had been kicked out of college.. I was so sure of CTB tonight, but still I just went ahead and payed my college fee.. I am still not really sure why I did that..I guess I am still not completely ready, at-least not today… all of a sudden i feel that if I can survive the next one year, between these blood sucking heathens, things might get better for me.. I don’t know..its 12.30 AM here.. i think i will just go to sleep for now and wake up in a couple of hours time.. thank you so much for your reassuring words..
i hope god gives me strength to get through tommorow..
hella, have you noticed my email Id?? its not even my real name there.. i always thought that if i ever converted and became a christian officially i would call myself clarie and pereira is his surname… the bible study group that i joined has tried helping me in many ways.. I confessed to a priest some months back.. he told me the same things that you did.. he asked me to keep faith.. (but things spiraled back the wrong way and i decided to ctb anyways…) and now, some how, when it comes from a complete stranger, it seems a little more reassuring.. I am glad that there is at least some one in some part of the world who cares about whats going to happen to me.. if you have something that’s bothering you and need a complete stranger to talk to, drop me a mail.. certain friends have told me that i am a good listener..
thank you for what you did for me today..
may god help you find peace no matter what you do..
Thank you once again…
Yess I do. Lol 🙂
Watch one of these days KARMA will get him….
I’ve just noticed your message. Unfortunately I can’t write a long reply as I can’t keep my eyes open (it’s 11 pm here) but I’ll write more tomorrow afternoon (according to the Central European time, in India I think it will be some time in the evening). I’m happy you decided to wait, it seems obvious you are not prepared to take your life yet. I hope you’ll do well in college, that’s a great chance for you to get out of the hell you live in.
hey,i read your story and am almost in the same position,also an indian girl with some same issues, so wondering what’s your story now?has it gotten any better?