I realize that there are many of you who are in the same amount or worse pain than I am. I need to tell my story, and hope that someone can help me.
The past five years have been a nightmare for me. One of my very closest friends died at the age of 48 from a brain tumor. My Mom had a stroke, and then died last year from cancer after receiving a cancer-free diagnosis only a month before. I lived with her and was her primary caretaker for four years. I asked my family if I could live in our home until January (I would pay rent), but received an eviction letter from my brother, the executor of her will. I moved into an apartment with my dog, Frazier, literally in the middle of the night. He has separation anxiety and barks when left in the apartment , so this has been a real problem. I have a defibrillator and damaged left ventricle due to a virus that attacked my heart three years ago. Also in 2007, I was almost killed in a car crash when hit by a van making an illegal turn. The next week, I lost a job that provided a good portion of my income.Â
I am so depressed that all I can think about is leaving this earth. I have always tried to be a good person. I teach part-time at a college, but there has been no work this summer semester. I also work part-time at a veterinary clinic. My goal in life is to be a veterinarian. I have a chance to possibly go to veterinary school next year if I can update my biology courses and keep my self together. I am so afraid that I will have to give my dog (my best friend) away as I have to find a job. I can place him in foster care for a month until I can make arrangements to get him back. I have lost cotact with most of my friends (who wants to be with someone who is financially and emotionally struggling?)
Everyone tells me that there is hope. I do have an excellent counselor, but she can’t be with me every moment. I’m so afraid that life is only going to get worse!
Thank you very much for listening. Any advice will be most appreciated.
                                                                                                                      Take care.
8 comments
Dear Disappear:
Please don’t kill yourself — what will happen to Frazier? Frazier is depending on you.
As you know, animals don’t always “get it” when their owners die or permanently disappear.
Ask your vet clinic if there is something you can do for Frazier’s anxiety — I lived next door to a dog that barked constantly whenver her owner left, and finally mentioned to the owner that the dog needed some help.
The owner must have found some, because the dog gradually calmed down.
Your vet clinic would know the latest treatments.
It is shameful that your brother pushed you out of the family home and some of your friends have abandoned you. As things improve for you, consider getting new friends. And I wouldn’t spend much time with that brother in the future, unless he improves his behavior.
Regarding the anxiety and despair you feel — those are very natural in your situation. Ask your counselor to refer you to a medical specialist who can prescribe an anti-depressant and/or anti-anxiety drug. Then your head will clear a little and you’ll be able to think more positively.
Hang on to your vet dream — the Fraziers of the world need you! Think of all those grateful dog and cat eyes looking up at you in the future.
In the meantime, try to manage day by day, one step at a time.
Ask your counselor to recommend books on fighting depression and also books from the new scientific field of positive psychology. They will help.
You have had five very difficult years, and are naturally afraid that the rest of your life will be a nightmare. But it is my experience, and I’m nearly 60, that life runs in ups and downs — some periods are bad and some are good.
Consider living into another good era.
Cordially,
Struggling to Survive (been there)
Dear Struggling to Survive,
Thank you very much for your kindness and thoughtful comments.
I would never abandon Frazier, but he may have to go into a Smooth Fox
Terrier foster home for a month until I can get to a better place. I have tried medication for him, but doggie day care works best. His mom (that’s me ) needs to find a job soon to help the both of us !
I am going to a psychiatrist tomorrow for medication. (I forgot to mention that I could no longer afford to pay for health benefits; thank God for the County Mental Health Clinic !) I hope that one day medical professionals and the general population will recognize the pain and suffering caused by depression and anxiety. If we could just “feel better”, don’t you think we would?
I really appreciate your prompt response. I felt so much better have reading your suggestions. Oh, to feel joy again!
Take care.
Frazier3
I should have written “I felt so much better having read your suggestions.”
Sorry!
Frazier3
You’ve been through so much in a short time, so it makes sense to feel anguish. But it also means you are a survivor and you are still here for a reason. Hold on to the dream of being a vet, it’s the light guiding you.
You seem like an extremely intelligent person, and that is worth its weight in gold. you’re going through a rough patch, and people with your type of indomitable spirit don’t stay down for long. i have confidence you will bounce back.
Love,
Cassidy
Dear Frazier3 and Peaches:
Frazier3 — I am very happy that my thoughts were helpful to you! I think you are making some wise decisions about what to do in your current circumstances.
Your wise inner voice will continue to guide you.
Frazier will be OK in specialized foster care, and you will get the rest and medication that will help you.
Hopefully the medication that the doctor prescribes will work quickly. If the first medication does not work within a few weeks — or, God forbid, makes you feel worse — ask them to try a different one.
I went through several medications before my psychiatrist hit on the right one.
You are correct that the rest of the population does not “get it” about anxiety and depression. It is a process of educating them, and some of them will listen, and others will not.
Hang onto the picture in your mind of your future vet practice. A picture is worth a thousand words.
Peaches/Cassidy: thank you for chiming in! The more support for our fellow depressed folk, the better.
Cordially,
Struggling to Survive (been there)
I was searching the internet because I have also been feeling desperate and suicidal. My searching led to my finding your post. Reading it I wasn’t surprised at all that you feel so down and fearful. I imagine your experiences of the past five years fuel these feelings but what has happened won’t determine what will happen. Even though I feel low, I know life can change for the better and sometimes very quickly.
I think it’s just great you have an aim: to be a vet. If you can, keep focused on this goal and do whatever it takes to make it happen, which means staying foused on getting the grades you need in biology but being kind to yourself too. With Frazer there is also hope: your dog can be trained to stop barking — perhaps you could get advice fron a vet/animal shelter?
Unfortunately life can be hard and cruel at times (your mother’s unexpected death, your brother evicting you, the damage to your heart) but as they say where there is life there is hope and I see a lot of hope in your life although clearly it is difficult for you to see this right now. Keep focused on your goals and get Frazer some training.
I am blessed to have encountered your post. I saw how positive you are. Indeed, God gives us trials in which we can surely handle. He gave you those hardships because He knows that despite everything you will still see the light and the beauty behind them. God bless you! Take care always~
May you keep your hopes up! And the best thing is you have a goal, and you have a reason to live. You will get through this! Always remember: This too shall pass. It is just a passing moment, and when we passed the storm… a beautiful rainbow will come… Our purpose on earth is to love… and to bloom wherever we are planted. You have been a good person and that is what is important! You strived to be good and that’s what matters!