my mind really meant to me. I spent the majority of my teen and adolecent years concerned with how I looked, what I wore, who I spent time with and so on. My educaiton was never a really huge concern of mine (although I did care if I was able to get the higher marks on my sudies along with my peers) but I did okay as far as all of that went. Even into my 20’s I wasn’t as concerned with what I knew as much as I was with what I was doing at the time.
Now, here I am in my late 30’s and I am just amazed beyond belief at how much my mind means to me. I feel as though everything that has ever mattered to me is slipping slowly through my fingers and I have no control over any of it. If you have read any of my previous posts, I am sure they will show a gradual but steady decrease in my sense of reality. I have been researching different signs and symptoms of everything thing I have been going through and it is some scary shit, let me tell you!
Although I don’t think that one diagnosis can cover everything I am going through, I think I have come pretty close to figuring out what is really going on. I have already been diagnosed with major manic depressive disorder (without psychotic behaviors) and I think if you just drop the without part, that one is on the money. If you add to that Borderline Personality Disorder (not yet diagnosed) and the OCD and ADHD I have been previously diagnosed with, well… then there you have the mess that has become me.
I have a family history of alzheimers and demensia and there is enough mental disease and addiction(s) to circle the world round at least twice. I used to joke about a saying and I would proudly state it all the time, that of all the things in life I’ve lost, my minds the one I miss the most. I’m learning just how true that saying can be. I have been told that I do not remember a lot of things that I do on a fairly regular basis. Especially if I am angry, and I seem to always be angry. This has caused me quite a few difficult times in my life and a couple-few incidents that have cost me dearly. I know that my temperment and my emotions have got in the way of the majority of my friendships and I hate to say it but I honestly have one person that I can refer to as an actual true and real friend. One, in all of these years.
There were a few parts on the NIMH web page that scared the living hell out of me when I was reading up on the BPD page. Those included:
According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:
Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.
After having my son read over just the above section he stated that most of these resemble who I am . The other part that really made me a bit nervous about the who thing is this:
Medications
No medications have been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to treat BPD. Only a few studies show that medications are necessary or effective for people with this illness. However, many people with BPD are treated with medications in addition to psychotherapy. While medications do not cure BPD, some medications may be helpful in managing specific symptoms. For some people, medications can help reduce symptoms such as anxiety, depression, or aggression. Often, people are treated with several medications at the same time, but there is little evidence that this practice is necessary or effective.
Medications can cause different side effects in different people. People who have BPD should talk with their prescribing doctor about what to expect from a particular medication.
My personality is one that is more of a take it as it comes or do the easiest things first. There is nothing easy about not being able to take a pill to make everything go away. To get better from this requires a lot of work and determination. However, I will say that the next section is what hit home the most for me. Its says:
Suicide and Self-harm
Self-injurious behavior includes suicide and suicide attempts, as well as self-harming behaviors, described below. As many as 80 percent of people with BPD have suicidal behaviors, and about 4 to 9 percent commit suicide.
Suicide is one of the most tragic outcomes of any mental illness. Some treatments can help reduce suicidal behaviors in people with BPD. For example, one study showed that dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) reduced suicide attempts in women by half compared with other types of psychotherapy, or talk therapy. DBT also reduced use of emergency room and inpatient services and retained more participants in therapy, compared to other approaches to treatment.
Unlike suicide attempts, self-harming behaviors do not stem from a desire to die. However, some self-harming behaviors may be life threatening. Self-harming behaviors linked with BPD include cutting, burning, hitting, head banging, hair pulling, and other harmful acts. People with BPD may self-harm to help regulate their emotions, to punish themselves, or to express their pain. They do not always see these behaviors as harmful.
I do share the view that not all behaviors that are considered by some to be harmful or life threatening as much as those without mental disorder. I have intentionally harmed myself more than once and not every time has been an attempt to end my life. There were times when just the release of emotional pain through my physical pain was a huge releif. I wont get into how much I enjoyed watching as the pain ran down my arms or legs with such a crimson beauty. As much as I did get some relief there, I haven’t repeated that behavior in almost 2 years. There is someone special in my life I can thank for that. Although I am not sure why it is that that one desire went away and others haven’t, I am glad that I do not currently have a need to hide my skin from the scorning, judging, sometimes hate filled eyes of others.
I have another appointment tomorrow (two actually – one with therapy and one with Psychiatry) to see if we can’t figure out just what it is that is going on with me now. I am just hoping that I can get my face to agree with the rest of me and put itself out there. It’s gonna be like climbing in the Ozarks, but I’ll gonna fight with myself until I can get there. I simply can’t and wont miss this appointment, this opportunity to find out just what I have to do i order to keep myself around…. even if for just another day.
~cheers
Note: since writing this up a few days ago, I have been informed that instead of BPD, I have multiple personality disorder. Oh boy, can it get any better? More to come I hope…..