I am going to kill myself at the end of the week. I have an unpleasant meeting mid-week and I want to give it a day of buffer on either side. I’m not killing myself because of this stupid meeting, and don’t want it to look that way. I *could* leave a note, but justifying my suicide would do more harm than good, and leaving a listing things that *weren’t* a factor would be confusing.
I’m sick of dragging myself through life. I’m in my late twenties and have been suicidal since my early teens. Why I didn’t do it sooner is beyond me. That would my advice to my younger self: don’t wish for a better day, just end it now. I’d say, “You’ll fail more, get even uglier and lonelier.”
I’m ashamed of my bouts of paranoia. I don’t mind the intense fear so much. At least when I’m paranoid I think someone is thinking about me. The truth is that I could be on fire and no one would notice. My family is disjointed, my husband is distant and all my friends live far away. I don’t have a job. I have nothing and no one.
No, I won’t go to a doctor. I don’t go to them, period. The only meds I’ve ever taken have been antibiotics and a few aspirin every few years or so. And they would only shove medications down my throat or worse, fry me. *Do I look like I have bacon in my ears?*I don’t want to live like that, and I won’t. Control and fear issue? Yes, but if that’s living, then I will choose not to live.
I just don’t want my time left to be lonely.
8 comments
I think you should leave a note. But not justifying your suicide. It should be random words and a partial treasure map. Something inexplicable that will leave people wondering.
Have you considered emptying out the bank accounts, getting in the car, and driving in a random direction? You could commit suicide at Grant’s tomb or in Truth or Consequences New Mexico or near a partially collapsed honky tonk in Mississippi.
I’m sorry your husband is so distant. Maybe you are looking at him through the wrong end of a telescope? My exWife was distant but it was OK because she was a lesbian. At least we respected each other and we were having a good time raising our son.
I’ll keep you company until you go, if you want. You may think I am insufficiently serious to witness your passing, though. There are many others here you may relate to better.
I’d skip the meeting. Life is too short.
You have no idea how much this treasure map idea appeals to me. I have a very dark sense of humor, but I don’t really have anything valuable enough to bury. I wouldn’t torture the few people I’m leaving behind like that, but I could mail the map to a random stranger.
I’ve wrestled with the idea of travelling somewhere to kill myself. But if there’s no body, there won’t be any closure, and the police might assume that someone else was involved.
It sounds like we both chose people who were exactly wrong for us. In a perfect world, people would be more upfront about possible major changes in sexual orientation, personality and life goals*before marriage,* but I guess they don’t always know themselves.
My husband isn’t a bad guy, just insensitive. Part of me enjoys his emotional blindness, because he lets me do whatever I want. He’s given up on me. Maybe he’d be different with someone else.
Our relationship didn’t make any sense years ago, and that’s more apparent as time passes.
I’ve never been much of a serious person (more of a Cadbury egg filled with venom kind of person), so you’re sufficiently serious.
Oh well, for someone who self referred as venomous, you seem overtly concerned about the wellfare of strangers.
Even though my exWife and I didn’t have an emotional connection, it was OK. There was respect. She and I are still friendly; it makes harassing our son easier.
Friends far away, you said. Is there anybody you are going to have a face-to-face goodbye with? (Not that you are actually going to say goodbye.)
You know, if you kill yourself now, you are going to miss a bunch of bad movies.
I’ll be around if you need me. I’m all ears if you want to unload about how all that venom accumulated.
I think leaving note isnt mandatory. Short one would be ok, but more i thought about it, the more everybody wouldnt understand anything. And after the death, it doesnt matter that much 🙂
I wrote one once (it wasn’t even a rant: it was a list of my favorite moments in life and then a fictional story with a very ambiguous ending), but I have to agree that most of them are useless to the outside world.
It’s ok. Don’t worry about me. An immediate family member of my husband’s is in critical condition in the hospital (literally this morning). I wish that I were dying instead of her, but I have to switch to a support role and stop thinking about my problems. I’m waiting for him to call and tell me the plan.
I can’t even think of taking my life at least until the spring.
The same thing happened to me. I gave myself six months to live, gave away all my possessions, spent almost all my money, broke up with all my girlfriends, and then my dad landed in the hospital due to his COPD.
He’s now back home under hospice care and I’m the sole healthcare provider. Plus my stepmom has Alzheimer’s. It’s like I adopted two kids. I wouldn’t dare think of leaving now.
After dad is gone I am definitely going to Europe. I’ll spend my 56th or 57th birthday in Dublin. Then I can kick my own bucket.
I hope you find a way to ditch the venom and experience a renaissance of the spirit. Otherwise I hope you find peace. There will always be someone to listen to you here.
Safe journeys!
Thanks SeeSmith! Talking to you has helped me through this rough day.
Life is so cruel. My dad has struggled with physical problems most of my life and my mother, mental issues. It’s painful watching them both fight their battles. I try to do what I can for them, but I don’t live very close by. I can’t imagine what it’s like caring for both your dad and your stepmom. Hopefully, the universe will pay you back with some sort of kindness.
I think I’m going to skip class tonight and spend time with my husband.