So…I’m 20 year old girl who is feeling like a loser for her whole life.
I fail at college which my parents and I pay a lot of money for. I just don’t feel like studying. Even when I find the will to do that, it disappears quickly and rarely returns. Â I find studying boring and unefficient. I fail at being a college student.
This is just what was been worrying me recently. My whole life is some kind of a sick joke someone got me into and I have the feeling that everyone around me laugh at me behind my back. I’m just miserable.
So I think this is gonna be a long one. If you don’t want to read, it’s okay and I understand it, if you do, thank you, and I’d appreciate your advice.
I don’t have any better options than going to college. I disappointed my parents by not passing even half of my subjects  (or whatever it is called, in English, for that you have in college) last year, the first year, but they forgave me.  First semester I hung out with some college friends so my grades were good, but as soon one girl who I began to trust disappointed me and fell completely in my eyes (I opened to her with my problem with studying and she just told me that I should quit college then, just like that, heartless, without even trying to help), my grades went down. I started feeling suicidal and hopeless, I cried almost everyday in pain, I even went back to my hometown to my parents with all the stuff and told them that I’m just not made to go to college. They somehow put me back but I didn’t gain any energy to continue with studying. I completely lost interest.  Everyday I felt guilt for being such a failure as I am. I still feel that giult, not a day passes by without thinking how must my parents be disappointed in me.
The whole life I look at other people who are better than me. Since I was little I was labeled as a weird one in class. I was just some kind of different. I felt that way. I also felt smarter than most of my classmates. I just couldn’t fit in.
I feel envious at most of those people now. They are unintelligent and inessential for me but they suceed in college, even though some of them have even less money than I do and are much more stupid than I am. Â I am still a failure, the whole life. They still laugh at me. Some idiots can make themselves to study hard and can get the degree, but I can’t. It’s so embarrassing for me.
I don’t feel sad and hopeless all the time. I really enjoy spending time with friends, I am outgoing, Â people find me funny, Â I have 3 really good friends (2 male and 1 female) who I can tell everything to. It’s hard for me to tell them that I don’t enjoy living my life when they see me only in the parts when I’m in a good mood and happy for them to be with me. I don’t like being alone because I think too much and put myself in a bad and often suicidal mood. Â I don’t want to explain my friends how I feel because they wouldn’t understand or take me seriously because I’m not feeling like telling them this whole story. Sometimes I just fell unworthy of their attention.
2 weeks ago I got results from and important exam, I didn’t pass and I crashed. I called my mom in misery and heavy crying and told her that I can’t take it anymore and that I’m going to kill myself. Â As she always does, she calmed me down and I went to my hometown that day, she welcomed me with a hug (which she never does) but I didn’t feel like talking, I seemed to feel better after the trip home and talking to other people in the bus. Â Soon as I was all alone, my parents went to work, I became suicidal again and took a razor. I made a few scratches, Â barely visible. I just couldn’t do it. I realized that I don’t really want to die, I just want the pain to stop.
I’m feeling too much guilt, but I don’t do anything to heal it. I feel sad and hopeless with my future. I don’t know what I want in my life. I don’t know what I want at all. Â I can’t make a decision. I don’t have any choices. I’m just a spoiled brat that started living a better life when moved to other town and now everything can just be worse.
I’m a quitter, I’m lazy and spoiled. I can’t be anything with that, what kind of an employer would hire me. I don’t want to spend my life selling pizza-cuts or cleaning bathrooms for minimum wage and feel like a complete loser while watching idiots from my class bathing in money with college degree and laughing at me. I’d rather die.
I don’t feel like getting a degree just to show people that I can do it. That doesn’t make sense for me, I gain knowledge when I want to and not because of other people.
Tomorrow I hope I’m going to gather my strenght and go talk with someone in student’s advice center. Â I feel like a plant. I have to study but I just lay down all day doing nothing. I don’t even want to get out of the apartment. I call my friends for a cup of coffe here so I don’t have to be all by myself and my depressing thoughts. I’m numb.
That would be about it… thanks for reading…please leave a comment
7 comments
Inefficient.
Teasing. You’re constantly comparing yourself to others in a negative way. Stop it. If you feel you’re pursuing an empty degree then change course.
Who you are is defined by what you choose to do. Consider improving your time management to see what choices you actively make.
I can’t help myself with comparing myself with others in that way. I’m not interested in any other courses , neither I have good grades from high school with what I could get into some other course. I couldn’t stand that shame when I actually tell people that I spent two years on college doing nothing and still have guts to spend my parents’ money a little more just to try something new which I can’t guarantee I’ll be satisfied with. This story will happen again. I dunno. I’m stupid, don’t even bother.
hey stacy! what you feel is just what i’m feeling,,, i do understand you.. i’m 21year old korean. and told my mom im not going to college this semester,, i dont want to live chase by exams studies and every entry tests… i’m sick and tired of it.. even i wasnt a exellent student in high school i got in to not renowned college.. but as you had said i felt i was smarter and could do better than others,, like i have higher IQ and i had quite easy understanding at class subjects but i didnt study them. felt i could do it other time so the result was i registered to a college where i hadn’t even imagined,,, 2011 i was so depressed for the feeling i was a loser, that others got in good colleges but i was in socially not renowned college. felt like no hope. but what i looked up for was to get entry to the college of pharmacy. if i got in there itwould change my loser position for doctors and pharmacists have well regarded status. so i got grades from my college,,, but resently i had fight with mom and felt like sick of all the studies… all the exams for entry… just sick and tired … so i said i wouldnt go back to college. yesterday i felt like jumping out of my apartment but i couldnt… i do want to listen and help you… for i am too suffering with same things.. you can email me if you are interested. mhs9@naver.com
Hello Stacy,
Should probably tell you up front that I am older than dirt….50. I can still relate though….big time. I went back to university a few years ago…was doing great…first year in Social Work…and pulling off high 80’s and low 90’s….and then the depression hit….I myself suffer from SAD…do you know what that is?….I started missing more and more lecture time….but still managed to keep up with the reading and assignments…I am a sponge…lol…but when it came time to write finals….they said I had missed too much time and needed a medical to write….another story…hahaha….but my doctor would not help me….and I lost $16,000 and a year of my life.
If I had to guess….you are maybe just a wee bit too smart…for your own good….you overthink perhaps? My mom has told me since I was little….”You’re sooo smart…you’re stupid!”….and she was right. damn. It sounds like you are stuck….depression…anxiety? It sounds like you might lose the year….it sucks…but not the end of the world…maybe you just weren’t ready for college….do you know what you want to be?….or are you like me?….I was told I could do anything…seriously….but then how do you choose?….and there is a part of almost all careers that I have issues with.
Please get some help to deal with your thoughts and feelings…I don’t know where they are coming from….so can’t suggest a particular type of therapy….but the best thing to do…..keep busy…seriously….the less time you have to think…the less anxiety you will have about your future. And after the anxiety…..the depression. Are you truly suicidal…or do you just have suicidal ideations? There is a difference you know.
And please don’t worry about disappointing your family….you won’t….unless you give up. You see….I have 3 children myself….and I always told them….I don’t care if you become a doctor, a lawyer…or a garbage man….just be happy and fulfilled….and I meant every word of it. Being financially successful in this world is important….but not the most important thing. Being okay in your own skin is the most important. We love our children and want them to be okay….not necessarily rich or successful.
In the end….you are standing on the precipice of a major life transition….this is harder for thinkers than doers. The fix could be something simple…a wee pill…to get you through…I’ve done it. Or do you have unresolved childhood issues or traumas that are keeping you stuck? I also have several really dear friends…but I don’t tell them my feelings either….I need my friends….I don’t want to become difficult to spend time with….cuz although misery enjoys company….company does not always enjoy misery….lol. And that is why when it got too much for me again….I came here.
Amakua
“Since I was little I was labeled as a weird one in class. I was just some kind of different. I felt that way. I also felt smarter than most of my classmates. I just couldn’t fit in.”
All things you should celebrate for the rest of your life.
You sound intelligent to me. You don’t need a degree to prove that. I went to college because it was expected of me but I didn’t learn a damn thing. Now I have an expensive piece of paper that says I am hireable. Still, I feel like it was the biggest waste of my life. College is not for everyone. I don’t think your friend meant to be insensitive when they said to drop out of college. I wish I had done that. I wish I had done a lot of things instead of forcing myself to put up with crap day after day. If you have nothing better to do then college isn’t the worst thing you could be doing, even if you do terrible like I did, but once you figure out what you do want to do, go for it full steam ahead and never look back.