Your pain is real but Suicide is not the answer, instead all you will create are more questions. If there is just one person in your life that you love, that you even like, think of them because if you kill yourself they will spend the rest of their lives wondering what it was they could have done different.
I will never forget the morning Patrick was found dead outside my home, the sound of my neighbors voice echoing up the stairway to my room, alerting me that Patrick had a vacuum hose running from the exhaust pipe to the window of his Jeep or the look on his face when he had to tell me that my best friend was gone. For the rest of my life I will remember the trip to the coroners office to pick up Patrick’s belongings that were in his vehicle at his time of death, the smell of exhaust that still lingered on his things, the 2 inches of water that filled containers that were in his vehicle, the water being from the condensation inside the car, the description from my neighbor who opened the door of Patrick’s car that morning and turned off the engine, he speaks of the drops of water falling from above Patrick, and how the entire interior of the vehicle was saturated. These things will forever be inside my head and the pain will be with me forever because there is no way to stop it because I cannot bring Patrick back no matter how I wish for that to happen.
You on the other hand have the power to stop your pain and prevent any others you love from suffering pain as well, get help, call someone, anyone, don’t allow this to beat you and to take the people you love hostage because that is what will happen. If you believe no one cares then you are wrong, so wrong, even if you have no family, there are people who care, who want you to stay alive, you matter, you were born and you were meant to live.
Patrick killed himself on August 9, 2008 outside my home, I could see his vehicle from my bedroom window.
Patrick Williams
June 12, 1965 – August 9, 2008
(Happy Birthday Patrick….I still miss you so much)
6 comments
Well i feel like i’m better off dead, cause the person i love so
much in the world is ignoring & shuting me out of their life, i feel like i’m
a crimmal now like i did something wrong & never can be forgiven no matter what i try, if had a gun i would shoot myself, cause my heart hurts so bad, make this suffering & deep depression in my life go away forever, just everything going wrong in my life everyday it seems, no matter how hard i try, never get a break or any kind of luck, it’s just a sad life all way round, nothing nobody can do for me, i have failed in life too many times, it’s almost that time to let me go away from here, therefore no more pain, , , ,
No more pain? I’m here to tell you that by ending your own pain you will create pain in others that will last them their entire life. Right now, you may believe that this won’t happen but it will happen if you end your life.
Before my friend Patrick killed himself, he left note….he blamed me for doing what he did. We dated many many years ago for a short time but for the 10 years that followed we were best friends. He said in his note that he had been waiting all these years for me to see that he was the one that truly loved me and that he couldn’t wait any longer. He said that I had helped him to reach his bottom line.
You say that you love this person who is ignoring you and shutting you out. If this is true and you really do love this person then don’t sentence them or the other people in your life that care about you.
Patrick would always say that it wouldn’t matter if he was gone, well he was wrong…it does matter and for the rest of my life it will matter. I question his love at this point because what he has left me with, I will carry this with me always and if he loved me like he said he did, why would he want this for me?
Think this through….really think it through, it’s not just about you, consider everyone who knows you because each of them would be affected by your death even if if you think now they would not be.
I know you are in pain and I am not saying you should suffer to spare them but I think you should try to get help before making a decision of this magnitude.
Gina,
I’ve been refraining myself from giving you this message.
Truth always hurt if treated as poison.
But it’s the only way to make you see.
You’re inherently a carefree, sweet, naive child, the quality of an innocent child everyone would like.
It’s rare to be found in grown ups.
However you devout yourself in the art of darkness, it’s a big contradiction to your character.
How could a child, with innocent mind can take hold of the darkness and evil things you work with as art ?
You don’t know why your family hate you ? You don’t know why your father treating you like a kid ?
Because you are really a sweet kid in your true self, that’s your good quality.
On the other hand, you are displaying the evilness in your look, even that scares me.
The intensity of your hate is 8 out of 10. It’s really scary.
It’s your right brain, the imaginative mind that’s malfunctioning.
Causes ? I could only guess.
It could be the long term imagining the ugliness and the evilness in your work of art.
Remedy ? Dump your devil thinking of ugliness in your art.
Shut your left eye. See the world again, refreshening, using your right eye to see the beauty of this world.
See yourself in mirror, oneday, your left eye no longer showing the hate, then you’ll be healed.
A little experiment for you to confirm.
Cover your left eye. Let your family see only your right eye, and then you’ll notice their change of attitude towards you.
ibjennyjenny – I’m not sentencing anyone but me in this, always wish everyone else to be happy, no hard feelings just regrets that eat away at my soul throughtout the years, make me feel afraid to live in this world, I still keep trying for some reason, I’m not giving up on my best friend either, everything seemed alot better when my best friend was a part of my life, hope i get a second chance soon, I’ve seen a psychiatrist before once every month but it got too expensive so i stopped going, I do go to church once in awhile, just went this past sunday & fell asleep in service for a few minutes, just too much depressing real life problems on my mind, i was really out of it & dizzy, looked like i just lost my best friend,
I almost cried as i sat alone looking at everyone talking & smiling after service was over, just walked away quietly and left then.
fireflieslight – Thanks for sharing your thoughts & views with me, as i have an open mind so i’m not at all offended as any help is good help, so I will keep your advice in mind & focus on healing myself, I am an Artist of various talents & it’s reflected mainly on how i feel & the state of mind i’m in that time, when i feel content, good about myself, my creativity & imagination flows with such vibrant expression, it’s like i’m 2 different people on a daily / weekly basis i’ve been told of my inconsistant mood swings, so i do have a portfolio of nice works of art i’ve done in my drawings, photgraphy, video editing, music i’ve recorded from my keyboard, creative writing thru my thoughts & dreams, I am a very spiritual person, meditation through the body & soul, tapping into deep inner senses & power for healing, personal growth & better understanding of the universe we live in, as far as evil “art” goes, my mind has been clouded & out of focus due to my deep depression & suicidal tendencies, as i’ve done this kind of “Hellraiser Art” bloody gruesome horrific acts of suicide & death back before 9/11 when i was depress and suicidal living on the edge & in darkness for over a year then, i changed my life around then for the better, it worked for a while till my depression started to slowly come back into my life, thought i was over it but always feared it might somehow take over my life again due to my depression, not able to find true happiness or love in my life, I am my own worst enemy as I sell myself short, i use to pretend i was happy things didn’t bother me as much, just tried to go with the flow, but was told that i kept going against it cause i was doing things differently all the time, so i slipped more & more into the dream world thru the music and my own dreams & imagination as time gone by me, l do see the beauty in life as i look high in the sky, to the moving white clouds, golden sun shining on me, on the trees & area surroundings, small waterfalls & running streams, breeze blows calmly on me as i daydream more, hoping & wishing, life can be beautiful indeed, but the everday problems happening seems to only be getting worst, being alone with no true friends, family against me, don’t want nothing to do with me no more & father picking on me cause he thinks i’m looking for attention he mentally abuses me often making me feel unwanted like i’m in the way here, he is disappointed in me, hurting or cutting myself is not good enough, he doesn’t realize he is only bringing my self esteem down to the point where i want to kill myself, it takes weeks / months to believe in myself, I’m not a strong person eventually i will break down, somethings gotta give then, might as well be me cause I haven’t lived my best life yet & don’t really know if i ever will, just seems like it wasn’t meant for me, may be too late, thats why i’m so depress & suicidal.
tramadol xl…
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