I really don’t know how to explain this but I’m going to try anyways.
First of all, I honestly planned to die this month, it seems I made it through, that’s not surprising. I really was serious about it, then when everything was ready and I could die I just was so relieved I haven’t felt that I should. So that’s positive, I guess.
So I’m less suicidal but I feel kinda out of it. It’s really like a disconnection in a way, I’m just doing and not thinking, like I’m on autopilot. That is making it hard to maintain conversations, and thereby relationships, because […]
I just need a moment to drop off some thoughts and try to organize them. I don’t expect this to make sense to anyone else, they barely make sense to me.
– I feel like I’m screaming into a black hole that sucks the sound out of it.
– Why does the topic keep coming up from her, I’m worried. She’s too young to think about that. Does she know something about me I’ve been hiding? Why is she acting this way.
– I could just as well talk to a Boulder. No matter what it is people never hear me. I’m getting tired of […]
I made it though all my obligations. I don’t have to stay anymore to finish anything. It’s like this huge relief to not have something going on outside of normal work and home stuff: Too bad I hate one of those and fail at them both.
I’m ready, but I’m holding on to a last thread. I’m basically just waiting for the right feeling at this point as nothing is holding me back. I have my plan and method is ready, I just need the right time to just disappear.
Does anyone else feel like they have all these different sides to themselves that touch but don’t connect. Like putting on a different hat, or having a different personality at different times.
I can list off at least 10 of these I feel, sometimes I feel professional, humorless, or silly, sometimes I’m positive, hopeless, want help, talkative, introspective, spontaneous, adventurous, suicidal, studious, excitable, organized, planned out, and so on.
I’m sometimes touching on another piece of myself but I don’t register the world the same way and some of my sides don’t touch at all because they are so conflicting. I can relate things to […]
There’s a sinking in my stomach and a stabbing in my brain.
I find myself hiding and focused on the pain.
The wounds you cannot see are more severe than those you can.
But you can’t unwitness the bloody floor on which you stand.
You take a moment to contemplate, seeing through the terrifying darkness.
A realization that is suffocating, with its bitter sharpness.
The pit is so immense the light can’t reach the jagged rocks below.
You can look but you will never know.
I’m screaming with the unheard voice of agony.
You can’t feel this yet I’m seeking out your empathy.
I’m shaking violently to hold back the […]
I don’t know. Driving to a remote location by myself and just sitting there with only my own company and no one to worry about for a few hours sounds nice. Then just drift to sleep, alone and peaceful.
Eenie meenie miney mo. Catch a tiger by the toe.
Well, here is my web of awful truths and lies, out in the open, now try and escape.
Here is my choice:
1. Run away
2. You go away
3. Live with it until we are both crushed beyond repair.
Well, I don’t want to be crushed and I love you so stay please. I can go. That’s what I want anyways, someone to let me go. Well, I will. There’s shit to do first.
Why did I open up again? I must be insane to keep trying this: It’s the same result every time. […]
I don’t want to be the one holding up the world any longer. I can’t watch him die and I can’t watch her grow to struggle and suffer in this world.
I’m tired of being the strong one all the time. I’m tired of biting back the tears and putting on a smile when things look grim. Someone just hold me and tell me it’s okay to be not okay.
I love you… but this is too hard to watch and I’m crumbling. I’m crumbling.
Why can’t life be easy? I just want everything to be alright.
I wish this was goodnight but it looks […]
Mine lately have been:
The GooGoo Dolls actually I like a lot of their songs: Iris, Broadway, Name, Sympathy, Better Days
Little House by The Fray
Chapter One by Lifehouse
Get Out Alive and Never Too Late by 3 Days Grace
This seems counterintuitive.
I hate Monday’s. Yesterday morning I had that sinking feeling again and I was ready to go through with my plans and kill myself. I wasn’t scared, I was completely ready, but I knew I shouldn’t, and the plan is to wait until July anyways, so I was looking for a way to make the day more bearable. About 9 AM I determined I was going to have a drink to relax a little and just deal with it.
I was drunk by 10, sure, I still wanted to die at that point but I wasn’t as concerned about doing it right […]
Nice try though. Better luck next time. Lol.
At least I still have SP.
I am not an openly emotional person, I cry very rarely, but tears nearly broke the surface when I found out yesterday: I’m losing another friend, they’re moving away.
I get that we can still be friends but I’m a realist, every friend I’ve ever had is gone, lost touch, haven’t seen each other in years, and don’t even talk; friendships reduced to Facebook posts.
I know that’s where this is going and it breaks my heart. This is my only friend really, I’m not good at connecting with people and it took me 3 years to just find this one friend.
So now I’m […]
In the end we all die anyways. The only thing we can control is when and how.
Conversation I had and my thoughts:
Question: How have you been feeling lately?
Response: Better.
Unspoken truth: I’m still suicidal, just not drowning in a pit of despair like I was. I don’t feel the urge to jump in front of a semi right now. The sinking feeling has lessened. That’s still better than I was though.
Question: What about the other thing, are you still cutting?
Response: Yes
Question: Why?
Response: I don’t know.
Unspoken truth: I love the feeling, the pain, and the feeling of relief […]
Occasionally I want to say something, or share something with people close to me IRL, then I realize that it’s probably too dark or odd and keep it to myself. Just happened twice today, makes me feel a little bit crazy.
Anyways, I feel like this one is missing something and I’m not sure about the title but just another floating thought I wanted to put down.
Let Me Out
Can someone please shoot me,
Take this out of my hands.
My mind can’t perceive this,
My life is damned.
The world is so empty.
So lonely and lost.
I could keep living,
but what is the cost.
A life […]
This feeling can stop anytime now. Maybe I will be rescued from myself but that seems like a long shot. I wish for the peace of nothingness without the wake of destruction that follows behind it. How can that be possible?
Anyways, this little Disney treasure has been in my head a few days so thought I might share.
I feel emotionally and physically exhausted today. This daily battle is really wearing me down. Also it’s so quiet on a weekend when nobody goes outside.
The world is lacking in saturation, my eyes and mind are unfocused. Not sure what to do.
On a positive note I’m day 2 harm free. Not that I’m trying. Maybe that’s why the world is dead today.
Today was my next planned death date, exactly 14 years since my first attempt to kill myself. Now that it’s here it seems like I might be able to get through it, I woke up feeling decent, better than I felt yesterday anyways. This is why I always set the date a few days out; I know my emotions are unstable and while I seem to always want to die, I only have the burning desire to kill myself every few days.
I regret two things about my first attempt: trying to say goodbye to my friends, and not succeeding. Even during the good times […]
I shouldn’t have said anything to anyone that I actually know about my feelings. I know it’s supposed to help, it hasn’t.
I feel like now that they know what I felt I have to be better now so they can now stop worrying. I’m walking on eggshells every time I open my mouth for fear that what I’ll say may seem suicidal/depressed/distraught and give them a hint that I’m still not okay.
I have and do feel better, better in a way; I’m better in that I can hear the world around me over the voices of my mind, I can actually comprehend what […]
I hear it calling.
I see it shining.
Edge of mercy.
Finds me dying.
Cold is the touch.
Sharp is the blade.
Holding it gently.
The cut is made.
Feel the sting.
A tear of red.
Smell the blood.
Close to dead.
Taste the power.
Controlling this knife.
Relief is coming.
Surge of life.
Water running.
Sound of peace.
Washed away.
Pain to cease.
Now I’m living.
Not for long.
Short term high.
Repeat again this dance and song.
Reading so many of the posts here one thing that seems to be a common thought process is that most of us realize that things will get better even if we can’t see it right now. We also realize that they won’t always be good.
I think that’s the issue. We know we have to go through pain over and over again in life and it’s unbearable to think about. I don’t know if the good is worth going through the bad.
Some have depression times longer or worse than others. Some last moments and moods switch, some last months or years with only small […]