I was feeling better, until summer came. Now I am suicidal, I want to kill myself. I feel so tired, exhausted, broken, unloved, forgotten. I hate summer because it’s hot, because everyone goes out with their friends and I stay home, alone and excluded. I just want a good group of friends, I try to make friends, but I keep being excluded from everything… I am always the last one to find out things… Maybe I sound like a spoiled brat, but I had no childhood, no teenager years. Now I am 18 and I made nothing… I feel I am going to die alone.
I fighter all year with myself to make friends (I have social anxiety so it’s hard). I tried to be more outgoing, I tried to talk (but I was ignored and everyone talked over me), I tried to make friends. I even was invited two times, but only because I asked if I could go too. And now is summer and they all are going out, parties, paintball, beach, camping and no one invited me. I feel like a ghost. Every year the same thing happens. I make a small group of friends and then everybody forgets me, like I never existed. In every class […]
I am tired of everything. Tired of going to school everyday and have bad grades because I can’t focus. Tired of making efforts to have friends and in the end being alone again, tired of trying, tired of keep going, tired. I am tired of living, breading, eating, sleeping and being tired.
They say it’s because I am shy that I don’t have friends, well I try and yet the exclude me. I try to talk but or it goes wrong or they talk over me or I am just ignored. And I can be like one month without talking to anyone that nobody searches for me […]
Nobody cares but I need to vent.
So after summer vacations and in the first week of school I tried to kill myself 2 times with pills, one of those times I got 3 days in hospital. After that I started medication and got a bit better. The friendship with my “best friend” is now in a strange phase. I made mistakes that I regret, he is really ice cold and has been avoiding me. This hurts so much that I am getting bad again. Actually I am good sometimes and bad other times, like a rollercoaster and the new medication I started this month is […]
In the last couple days I am always crying, and most of the time for no reason and I can’t stop. I cry in bed, I laid down in floor and cry, I cry in front of the pc, at the window, while walking like a zombie in bedroom. And then I stop crying and I am without feelings, just there, quiet and empty. And sometimes when I cry I go from “I am going to kill myself right now” to “What? I want to live” to “I hate this universe!!” in a matter of seconds and several times in a row. Even the smallest […]
I know that suicide and depression is not beautiful like they say, is not the rainy days or the grey world. I know that is not romantic or poetic. I know I am not a hero from a dramatic story. I know that in the day I kill myself there is no music or rain or all of that that happens in movies. I know that all. But I know too that the pain I feel is real and is killing me and that is the only real thing here. The stories I make, they are just ways of cope with this and release some […]
An adventure in a really strange land full of happy towns and dark valleys. Once you get off your village there is no way back and you must keep walking and walking until you have your feet in blood. If you get lost, oh dear, that is your end. The demons that live in the darkest valleys will follow you day after day, night after night, and at the most small sign of weakness they will eat you alive. You can truly believe that they are not real and they are not following you, but they are. They are so real like you. And once […]
I just don’t know what I have and I wished I never had visited that doctor. She said that I had “too much anxiety for normal situations”. I had social anxiety and she couldn’t even say that name to my face. Then at home I searched about it because I didn’t trust her and I found out that possibly I had depression too, and now I can have BPD too. And at this point and just don’t know if what I feel is truly real or maybe I get all the diseases I read about. I don’t know what is real and what is not. […]
So I found out that I possibly have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and everything makes sense now. And I just want to kill myself because I just don’t know what is real and what is not. And I don’t want to live in this hell for the rest of my life.
I am not quite sure if I have it, but I have almost all symptoms and I fit every description of a person with BPD. I have mood swings, the “I hate you, don’t leave me, It’s your fault, I love as a brother…”, the getting angry for small things, the obsessions, paranoia, easily getting […]
Last month I and my friend had a fight and at some point he asked me why I do this, if it was to seek attention. And since I am thinking: Am I really depressed?
This is getting really confusing and I just don’t know what is real anymore. I barely sleep, I barely eat, food doesn’t taste good anymore, I can’t concentrate, I can’t have fun while I play my favourite games, I used to love reading and writing and drawing but know I don’t. Everything bores me and everything is so exhausting. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts and sometimes I cut myself. And after […]
I suck, I can’t make anything right. Why wait?
Day after day things are getting worse. I am exhausted, sick of tiring and always getting worse, sick of screwing everything with my best friend, sick of arguing with my family, sick of my mood swings, sick of me, literary. I started to cut myself, not making blood, but day after day I put more pressure on the blade. I already tried to kill myself before but I had not the courage to finish it. My best friend is starting to get affect by my depression and this story. I am going to be alone all the next week, so the question is: should I […]
The building is falling part by part, day after day, so the question is:
Jump now or die in the debris?
I am 16 and I am introverted, I have social anxiety and I’m suicidal. Just this month I tried to kill myself two times, and in one of them I almost succeed. I had no friends and now I am giving all of me to make some, but at the end of the school year I feel even more alone than before. I am exhaust, sick of everything and alone.
They only invite me if I am around them when they speak about getting out, otherwise I am totally invisible. I am annoying, boring, and nobody is happy with me around them, some times I feel that […]