AKidWithAName

“Be assertive! Be confident! Stand up for yourself!”

Why do you always take things back once I say them? I’m just trying to do what you ask me to do. I understand that I probably did it wrong, but you were the one who told me to do it. I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were lying.

Now you all hate me. Now you’re all conspiring against me and I don’t blame you.

I ruined that shit, though. “Oh look at me, I’m going to talk shit behind your back because I’m pathetic.” How dare I seek sympathy. I deserve to feel like shit.

My politesse will get […]

Wake up to that annoying 80s station that you can hardly stand at four in the morning, but you know will be loud enough to wake you up after getting only two hours of sleep (assuming that you got to sleep last night).

Put on some coffee that you dont even like the taste of without a shit load of sugar, though you are too ashamed that someone will say something about you if you take any more goddamned sugar in that damned coffee.

Go to school so you can learn about something you either don’t care about or don’t want to care about, but have to […]

God, I’m so guilty. Today, I flipped out at a bunch of people for calling me smart. I shouted at them because they complimented me. What the fuck is wrong with me? It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong or right. I flipped my shit.

I am shit. Dog shit, specifically. My dogs are biting each other right now. I bit myself the other day. I bet you think I’m a crazy ass fucking psycho, and you’re probably right. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not fucking smart. I do so much bad shit. I’ve ruined my life. How the hell could anyone even dare […]

Guess who’s back! You guessed it! It’s me, the local fuck up, back again to post something because I feel suicidal. “Oh look at me, aren’t I special?” You know, I bet a whole lot of you wish I would just fucking do it already. To be fair, I do too, so we’re on the same page.

You know, if I were to fucking kill myself right now, I could do it and my parents wouldn’t fucking notice, and that’s pretty cool. That means they trust me enough to leave me alone for a decent amount of time. That’s pretty cool of them. I don’t care […]

I am a control freak. Somehow, this escaped my realization. I have to have complete self control. I am not allowed to be human, because to be human is to make mistakes.

That’s why I’m so guilty. That’s why I’m so paranoid. If I am not perfect, I am not in control.

Complete control is impossible, even self control. Thus, I have set myself up for inevitable failure, leading to suicidal thoughts.

No self control is just as bad, which leads to nihilism and a life of mere existing even if I don’t kill myself.

There is no way out.

I keep saying that I’m too much of a coward to do the right thing and end myself. How am I going to get any better if I don’t even try to kill myself? My cowardice has to end somewhere. I am facing my fears. This is what “being an adult” is all about. Maybe someone will be proud of me. It sounds kind of backwards and strange, but it really isn’t.

Besides, everyone on this site is always banking on it not working, so I probably won’t die no matter what I do. So many people seem to believe in the infallible human instinct […]

Why am I even trying? Why do I keep telling myself that if I can make it another day, bit yhe problem is, even when I do make it to the next day, it doesn’t mean that anything has gotten better. Nothing has improved. My attitude has not improved, I haven’t become a stronger person, I haven’t gotten any hetter. I’m in the same spot in life that I was yesterday and the day before that.

I haven’t done anything to increase my self worth, despite my try-hard attempts. No one is proud of me. I’m not even proud of me. I’m so utterly ashamed […]