mysmilecoversalot :)

Some people mourn by sobbing for hours. That’s okay.
Some people mourn by sitting silently. That’s okay too.
Some people mourn by reflecting on the soul that is now departed.
Or thinking about all the happy memories.
Those are completely okay.

I mourn by not really mourning at all. I have to keep moving, I have to keep my life relatively normal. I distract myself by going to movies and out to lunch with friends. I go shopping, I post happy tweets, I carry on like nothing even happened. On the outside, I suppose it seems I’m not even sad, but that’s not true at all. […]

For an English 102 Research Project

I just finished this college for my English 102 research project, tell me what you think! The people on the right represent society, and they are saying people should be “happy, alive, and sensible.” The girl smiling on the bottom represents a mentally ill person. She is smiling to try and conform to society and make people believe she is okay, but to the left you can see what is really going on in […]

I love laughing. I laugh all the time. I laugh when I’m happy, but sometimes I laugh when I’m sad, too. I don’t know why, I just know that laughing makes things hurt less.

I try to make everything seem like it’s not a big deal, like it’s all under control. In reality, I usually can’t handle it though.

I’ve always been really good at school and sometimes that makes me feel guilty. I put in very little effort to get a 4.0.

I always have so much to say, but I lose the courage to say it because I don’t want to sound ignorant. […]

“OMG you’re sisters? You look nothing alike! She’s so skinny and pretty!”

No one really realizes what they are saying before they say it and it’s usually followed by “I mean, you’re skinny, too, but just average. She’s soo skinny!”

I smile and nod, “oh I know, she is very skinny!” like it has no effect on me, but each time it kills me a little more. Each time I cut a few more calories and I promise to be smaller than her. I was, once. Then everyone convinced me I was sick so i fought to get better. I used to wonder all the time, […]

I have a distant friend who I talk to occasionally. She’s two years older than me and we went to the same high school, we had mutual friends. We were “friends” but she was always really mean to me. We both had an eating disorder, but she was heavier than me. She used to get angry and try to compete, she thought I was “better” at having an eating disorder than her. At the time, I didn’t even know I was sick, I hadn’t even realized there was a problem. She used to ask me what size pants I wore and announce it to everyone […]

Some people simply can’t understand what it feels like to me, not when I’m hungry, but when I’m so far past hungry that I’m empty. Yes, I feel hungry just like the rest of society, but I fight past it until I reach this feeling of complete control, satisfaction, and perfection. One bite will ruin it all and so every day becomes a battle between eating and starving. In anatomy yesterday I seriously stared at the skeleton diagram in the book, imagining how it would feel to be only bones. I was actually envious of that darn skeleton, how ridiculous is that? I promise everyone […]

I promised my younger sisters I would take them swimming on Thursday. That means I have to wear a swimsuit which means I can’t have fresh cuts on my leg. I really miss the days of being able to wear what I want when I want without worrying about covering scars and cuts. I just want to feel the pain so badly, but I have to wait. I don’t even know if I’m going to make it.

So I have this plan to move away without warning anyone and just live a new life for a little while. I’m 18 right now, I graduated in June but I’m still living at home and going to a community college nearby. I can not stand my parents, but I tolerate them because they provide me with a home and food. I’ve never been a typical rebellious teenager, I’ve always been a really “good girl.” I got really good grades in high school, I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs, I had a lot of friends in high school, I played sports, teachers and […]

On this site is there a way to view your past comments on someone’s post? Like I will comment and want to go back to see if they responded so I just have to scroll through all of the posts until I find the one I commented on, is there an easier way to do this?

Does anyone else hate the idea of having to hire someone else to fix your own thoughts?

I just want a therapist that won’t pressure me to talk. One that won’t jump to conclusions or be so focused on “fixing” me that I feel uncomfortable. I’m not broken, I just need someone to care. I need a therapist who will laugh with me, but who will also sympathize when I need it. Someone who is patient enough to understand that they are a stranger to me and I need to get to know them before I tell them my secrets. I need a therapist who has […]

When I was in the fifth grade, I gained a little bit of weight. I wasn’t even fat, just slightly chubby, but I felt huge. My sisters would tease me and call me a beast. This is when I began hating my body and myself. I thought I deserved being teased because I was disgusting. I thought I was ugly and I was ashamed of myself. I remember feeling so uncomfortable. I didn’t want anyone to look at me, I hated shopping for clothes, and I refused to weigh myself when anyone else was around because I was so embarrassed by my weight. I even […]

I’ve gone to different counselors on and off for a few years now. I’ve tried many times to open up and let the person help me, but I always end the sessions short of any progress because it just doesn’t seem to help. I have trust issues to begin with and I’m not open to sharing my story with just anyone. I always want to tell the counselor the absolute truth, no matter how harsh it is, but I always become too afraid. I don’t like the idea of someone being paid to care about me. I know that they chose their job for a […]

I think about suicide a lot. It’s a thought that never really leaves. At times it’s threatening, but mostly it just sits in my mind as I ponder the thought of not existing here. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear without anyone remembering me or missing me, it would be as if I had never been. Other times I think about the reality of suicide and what it would do to everyone around me. Surely people would be devastated, my family and friends would miss me, and everyone would wonder what had pushed my smiling face over the edge. Maybe it’s a selfish thought, […]

Today, I received a high score on a test that my friends didn’t do as well on. I’m a freshman in college but most of my friends are much older. They joked around saying they wished they had my brain and I had to laugh. Yes, I am smart and I do really well at school with very little effort, but if only they knew how my brain functions in other situations. Of course they don’t know about my battle with an eating disorder, anxiety, or depression. They have no idea how many scars are on my body and how many moments I have spent […]

I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I’m dying or the fact that no one knows.

Sometimes I feel the courage to walk up to someone without a smile on my face. I would look them in the eye and tell them the truth: I’m dying. I would tell them about the cuts on my leg and about how starving makes me feel better than anything else. In an instant, the courage is gone, and the smile is back on my face. How could I hurt them like that?

You know what?
The cuts don’t hurt.
It hurts to wake up each morning and want to die.
It hurts to never be good enough.
It hurts to hate myself with such intensity that I think I deserve to starve.
It hurts to know I messed up.
And to think about what I could have done differently.
It hurts to keep it all a secret.
It especially hurts to know my family will never understand.
But the cuts? They don’t hurt a bit.

I remember when I used to eat pizza because I simply liked the taste. I would eat cake at a birthday party and then move on with my day because that’s what you’re supposed to do. I would eat each meal and not think twice. Maybe I weighed more then, but I know I was happier, I was at peace. I didn’t know that there would come a day that every bite was a war. I’m an intelligent girl with so much potential, but this battle with food is killing me. Eating is supposed to be natural, a […]

I feel so alone and so defeated. Sometimes I have the urge to tell someone I’m dying, my mind is killing me, but honestly what good will that do? No one can save me, it will only make them worry. So I smile and I laugh, I carry on with life as if I’m perfectly fine and they all believe me. I tell myself that if I do die, at least they will remember me happy, they will never know that I suffered for so long.

Hi all! I am in an English 102 class and I need to pick a topic that interests me, I will be writing multiple papers on this one topic so it is of utmost importance that I am passionate about the topic. I am really intrigued by mental illness and how society affects the recovery process. I am fascinated by mental illness in general as I have suffered from anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder while maintaining my happy and intelligent persona. I would really love to incorporate mental illness into my topic, I was wondering if anyone had any specific ideas for me. For […]