I’m a senior in high school and I have weekly meetings with my school counselor so she can check in on me. Right now she is trying to convince me to receive more intensive counseling from an outside source. I absolutely detest the idea of counseling. Last year I was forced by the school counselor to go. At first I hated it, so they switched my counselor and people had me convinced it would be okay, I was actually going to try it, but when we went back my dad lied. He said I made it up for attention, I didn’t lose weight, I was […]
I looked down at my thigh today and saw the faint remains of winter break left there. Over break my mental health deteriorated so quickly that I don’t have words to explain what happened. I had been fine, but suddenly all the negative thoughts came back and I was catapulted into my past self. Not only did it become okay to skip meals again, but I threw up whenever I deemed necessary, and even cut myself multiple times. I felt distant and uninterested in everyone and everything. I was constantly sad and saw no hope for anything. I dreamed of dying and finally being free. […]
Yesterday I went to a family Christmas party on my mom’s side of the family.
Two years ago this party was something my entire family attended, all 5 of my sisters and I would go together, with our parents. We were all there every single year, together.
However since that time, everything has changed. My 19 year old sister was kicked out of my family when she was 17 causing my parents to accuse anyone trying to help my sister of taking sides. Because of my parents choices, I wasn’t allowed to see my sister, grandma, aunt, or cousins, except for once or twice a year. […]
You know that feeling when you are losing yourself again, when everything you’ve worked so hard to build up is falling apart? You know you’re slipping but there’s nothing you can do except pray for strength.
I’m 17 and I’ve felt this way far too many times.
I feel lost, like my life has lost all its meaning.
This year, right after summer vacation I was called into the counselors office at school. Last year I had an eating disorder but refused all the help my teachers and counselors tried to give me. She was just checking on me and I excitedly told her how […]
I’m 17 years old, a senior in high school. My grades are flawless, I’m going to college next year on an academic scholarship. I’m going to be a neonatal nurse, to save innocent babies. I’ve never drank, never smoked, I rarely swear, I refuse to do drugs, and I’ve told guys no when they want to sleep with me, all to set a good example for my younger sisters. My teachers love me,”I never fail to brighten their day!” Next month I’m going to be an American Sign Language teacher to elementary students and in March I’m going to be an aunt for the first […]
Sometimes, when I walk down the driveway to get the mail, I imagine walking away from everything. Away from my past, away from the pain. When I’m driving, I imagine driving until everything makes sense, driving until everything is fixed. But that’s no way to live, so then I walk back inside, I drive back home, and I realize that I’m okay and I have a million things to be grateful for. We all do, really.
Earlier this year the only thing that soothed me to sleep was the thought of suicide. Everything was out of control. I was sixteen years old, I didn’t eat, I […]
Tonight, I broke down. It has been almost a month since I began recovering from a yearlong eating disorder that destroyed my life. No therapist, no support from family, just me. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am still going strong. Some moments are good, some are terrible. Tonight was just awful, I couldn’t get myself together. I was sobbing because I lost hope for half a second and I started thinking about everything. I just felt so alone.  I pulled myself together and knew I was going to be okay, sometimes we all fall apart. So at the same […]
Last night I went to one of my best friend’s house. She
asked if I wanted to go get ice cream and when I said yes her face lit up. She
kept asking if I was sure, as we drove to the ice cream place, as we stood in
line, as we ordered. I spent the night and this morning we went into her
kitchen and devoured all the food we could find, like normal teenagers. Â After everything we ate she would offer
something else, I would say yes, and she would just smile cheek to cheek. Afterwards
we went to a pool and while […]
I have 5 sisters. My imperfections used to be guarded by my older sister, she’s 18. She rebelled against my family, did very unfortunate things, and next to her I was perfect. Then she was kicked out of the house. With her gone, all my imperfections came to light. I now sit between two perfect sisters. One is 23, the other 15. I am 17 and next to them I feel worthless. They are always better than me. They love better than me, they are more fun than me, and they have a better personality than me. At least that’s what my parents make clear. […]
So I live in a house with my 2 parents and 3 younger sisters. I also have 2 older sisters, but my family broke a little while back and I am no longer allowed to talk to one of them. Somewhere in the midst of my family breaking, my relationship with my parents also broke. I can’t explain why, but I can’t talk to them. Any time they are around, I have absolutely no personality. I never show happiness, sadness, anger, anything. Only when they are around though, it is strange. When they are gone I have a huge personality, I’m funny and sarcastic, loud […]
Today I went to my cousin’s open house. There was this little girl there, 6 years old, that I had never met before. She saw me giving the other kids “airplane” rides and wanted one as well. She waited in line multiple times, until I was too exasted to lift anyone else. Then she wouldn’t stop following me, so I started talking to her. You know how little kids like to tell you really unimportant things and many times nobody truly listens to? Well I like to listen. I like to ask them questions and hear all the innocent things running through their heads. So […]
One year and 40 days ago I started a diet.
That diet quickly took over my entire life, exposing mental disorders that had been hidden before.
One eating disorder showed so much more… generalized anxiety disorder, a mild form of ptsd, cyclothymic disorder (mild form of bipolar).
My family had been perfect, but when it fell apart i didn’t know how to express the pain. I pushed it down for over 4 years.
All of that pain suddenly came out in the form of starving, throwing up, and cutting.
Slowly, I lost myself.
I had to pretend I was okay, I had to be perfect.
I lied to everyone.
I fought help at […]
Does anyone know if, by law, a 17 year old can get a psychiatric evaluation without parental consent? I know I can’t receive medication, but I am not sure about the evaluation part. I live in Michigan if that helps anything… any answers would be appreciated 🙂
I don’t go to church, I haven’t since I was a little girl. That being said, I believe in God with all my might. The other night I was extremely scared, the next day at school my assistant principal, teacher, and I were supposed to have a meeting to discuss my eating disorder and problems, they were panning on calling my parents because they said they had to. I want to get better and knew there was nothing I could do about it, but I was so terrified.
Scared of disappointing my parents again.
Scared of not being able to lie my way out.
Scared of the truth.
Scared […]
Can anyone explain to me why a teacher/counselor must call your parents if they think your health or life is at risk??? Especially if they know it isn’t going to help anything. I just don’t get the point, especially since 4 counselors have called my parents and it hasn’t helped once. That being said, I understand they call because they don’t want you to get hurt. BUT what if I am willing to get help and I really want to get better (I have an eating disorder, anxiety disorder, and possible other disorders) but the only thing holding me back is my parents just because […]
Today I was braver than I have been in a long time.
Last year I began starving and throwing up to lose weight. It became a major problem but I made sure no one told. It got better for a few weeks, then took a plunge in December. Coaches, teachers, and friends grew extremely concerned, but I tried making everyone believe I was fine. They saw through me and I started having routine visits to our guidance counselor to check up on me. I lied to her. She found out I lied. I was forced into counseling. At first, I thought I would try, but I […]
A few things happened today, one good, one bad.
Starting with the bad, my dad yelled at me for eating today. He yelled at my sisters and I for eating too much today and said that we have to ask before we eat anything anymore. My dad gets really mad sometimes, and when he does he exaggerates punishments. But what he doesn’t understand is how powerful his words are to me. Last year I stopped eating. Starving became my life, calories and exercise were my gods, I worshiped them like no other. I lost 20 pounds, went from weighing 123 to 103 in much less than […]
Today marks the one year anniversary of the diet that changed my entire life. One diet was the start of a long and hard downfall, one that ruined relationships and pushed my body to its limits. 5 pounds lost quickly turned to 20 pounds lost as my calorie intake headed down a steep slope. 1000 calories a day… 900… 800… then 700… 600… 500… 400… 300… 200. As I lost weight I grew weaker, I lost all energy, I could not focus at school, I bruised from the slightest things, I had chest pains, and I was dizzy all the time. But it didn’t matter, […]
I woke up this morning to a text on my phone, it was from my little sister. She’s 13 and I am almost 17. The text read “Helllo & good morning! 😀 have a great day at school nevada! Don’t forget to leave Tina out! Love you!” (Tina is our dog and nevada is my nickname) Usually I take her to school, but on Wednesdays the high school starts later so we don’t get to see each other in the morning. Upon reading this text I realized I am doing something right. That little girl loves me with all her heart. She is not my […]
I really feel like I don’t belong here. For awhile, I thought I was holding on for a purpose, but now I just feel like it is my time to go. I can’t hurt everyone who loves me. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that to them, they don’t deserve it. I was getting counseling, but I hated every second of it… I thought it would be hard to convince my therapist I was okay again, but it wasn’t… at all. The lies came so quickly, I know the perfect things to say. She believed me, every expression she gave was of utter joy. She […]