I want to sink forever in a hole. I know that if I continue to think this way I will get exactly that. An unhappy life where I can cut myself 4 times a day. But I guess if thats what I want I can have it. Theres something in my throat wanting to claw out of me. I know I could quiet it down if I just cut myself a bit. I don’t even know what I’m going on about. I don’t know if I want someone to save me, or just want someone to smile sickly as we die together. No one reads this shit anyway. My own fault I guess.
I saw him today, and all it took was one look. I’d like to believe that I can read looks and what he said to me was he missed me too, but ill never know. everything else about my life makes me want to die except thinking about him. I shouldn’t be falling for him, but I am and I can’t help it. I love him.
I thought i might actually do something awesome this time. All this hard work i put in for months, and it didn’t pay off. again. maybe i wanted it too much, maybe not enough. Now I’m left feeling worthless and alone again. The chances are slim. id love to kill myself, cutting would great. i guess for now ill just hold my breath.
You say one thing. “please don’t leave me” and at the time they will hold you tight but after it fades. they think things like oh well i saw you a few days ago thats enough. I don’t fucking care if its too much. I don’t care if its over and creepy and whatever they might be thinking. but when someone says “please don’t leave me” and then they leave its a permanent trigger that never fucking leaves. I hate being alone. I don’t want to be stuck with myself again tonight! I don’t want to be searching the internet for ways to kill myself till 4 in the morning because i can’t sleep. please. i can’t do another night of it. “please don’t leave me”
If anyone wants to talk id love to listen, sucks to be alone. comment below.
Dear anyone who reads this. Usually the things posted here are own personal feelings or deep despair. But I offer a different message. To everyone whose hurting or feeling alone, theres probably one other person in this world who knows how you feel. This world is huge with billions of people and possibilities and out of all those people I’m sure a whole lot more would be will to just listen. And if you think theres absolutely no-one. Theres me. So find that one thing, one person and hold tight. I encourage everyone to reach out, its better to be sad with someone then sad alone. best wishes.
At night I turn into something else. no matter how good my day was I find a way to completely destroy it all in one single night. Im scared. Im so scared. Last night I hit and destroyed someone, again. suicide is all i can think about. I want to leave. I don’t want to live this life anymore. The more things fail the more I just realize I should kill myself. I feel like I’m running from my self but I can never get far enough. I have so many reasons. I’ve tried to kill myself with less reasons so why shouldn’t i be dead?
you might think it could be. but its fucking not. its fucking terrible that the people you care about don’t care about you. they know your there, they know your hurting but they don’t care. stomping over you having fun laughing, lying to you. because you aren’t real to them. they want to keep this stupid fucking happy all the time face, thats impossible and its not real.
i dress up in this costume because i don’t want to be me. then i turn on the tv and pretend to be the brave amazing and beautiful girl on the screen. and i would do anything to actually be her. i thought this person would be a person other people would like but it tuns out no one does. i only put it on at night because no one even knows i have it.
i’d cut myself if it wasn’t for the fact my family is in town. i had a family member today look at me and tell me i was going to hell because I’m gay. her and just about the rest of my family feel the same way. i wish i could just be the girl on the screen. she’s everything i want to be and more.
I’ve been cutting myself everyday. and i realized its because of him. I’m officially nothing to you, but it only makes it hurt even more. nothing ill ever do will ever make him like me. i could starve myself to be skinny, but he still wouldn’t notice me. oh well
he’s never going to notice me. he says everyone hates him but I’m right here and i like you a lot. i cut myself and I’m sad it didn’t hurt as much as i wanted. oh well
i am finally home. then when i was finally able to see my girlfriend again all i could do was cry i felt like i couldn’t even move. i would want to but when i did its like i got smacked down saying no, you don’t deserve to move. then before i even notice she’s gone and it fells like i didn’t even get to talk or be with her. when i get stuck i hate myself for it. I’m screaming just stop, just get up. but knowing how stupid it is only makes me hate so much more. i understand now. screaming from the bottom of well hoping someone will hear you, and when they do hoping you won’t fuck it up and say the wrong thing. i think i might cut myself.
i don’t know whats fucking wrong with me. i hate myself.
i spent 4 hours talking to a guy i thought i liked to only change my mind, all while my girlfriend doesn’t know anything. whats wrong with me? can someone, something fix me? or am i just ment be alone?
I’m on vacation right now, i should be happy, i should feel rested but I’m not. i feel exhausted sad and depressed. at night thoughts of cutting my self flood my brain and i can’t think of anything else. i feel so alone. i shouldn’t feel this way. i have one person looking out for me and loves me and i don’t even see them anymore. all i see now is when is the next time i can cut myself. i don’t deserve her.
i feel so guilty, she’s the best girl in the whole world and i fall for other people, of course they don’t like me back so it leaves me feeling alone. I’m soungrateful. i wish i could give my life away. i don’t deserve it. i don’t deserve her.
i just keep watching American horror story season 1 episode 1 on a loop just to see the blood run from her veins. I’m crazy. I deserve to die.
i feel like no one at school would care or notice if i killed myself. i think the people that used to know me would only thing “she finally got what she wanted, I’m glad i got out when i did”. some would make fun of me. but no one would be upset or miss me. i am hated by few and noticed by even less. some say I’m not trying hard enough. but right now. i would rather kill my self. no one would cry, but isn’t that just what we want?
i haven’t cut in a long time but i don’t think i can not do it for one more second.
today was my first day of school. i saw the people i loved, except they all hate me. the one person i hang with won’t think twice to make me look stupid if i say anything bad. all i can do is smile. because if i don’t they will judge me, they will know I’m not okay then they will win. but holding a smile when your about to tear your face off is hard. today one of my old friends, i went to sit with them and she said “she couldn’t do it anymore”. she was sitting by herself away from people, the only thing she couldn’t do is face me and realize what she did to me. but i can’t play the victim to them. i can’t to anyone. it seems the only way people don’t get more mad at me is if i say, “its my fault, I’m sorry” even though they still don’t forgive me, but if i do anything different then I’m a terrible person. I’m starting to think maybe i really am. maybe i need to be locked away. all i can think of is hurting myself. whats the point in being if no one knows your there?
school starts tomorrow. i want to bring my blade with me. if i do it, it will hurt the person i love. but i love doing it! the only thing i regret is hurting her. i wish i could take all the hurt away and have it all on me. first day back tomorrow maybe a bloody smiley on my skin is just what i need.
i stole a pencil sharpener from my girlfriend today. i lied to her. told her I’m okay. now i have a blade. school starts Monday. all i want is to rip into my skin.
Tomorrow something big is going to happen. i haven’t slept in 24 hours and i don’t want to go to sleep. I want to be taken away. i don’t want a repeat of last year. wish me luck, no promises.
when i was in the 4th grade my parents decide to get a divorce. everyone who has been through one probably has a similar picture with the same line “we both love you very much”. but after that my dad was gone a lot. so here i am growing up with only my mother who is depressed herself and stressed to take care of 3 kids. we would fight a lot! but one day we got into a huge argument and she locked me in my room. i remember scream crying all day hungry thirsty for water, maybe at one point i got my phone that she had taken to call my friend, but i think she just laughed at me. so i opened the window yelling for help. scared to actually yell loud enough to be taken away but still pushing in the hope maybe they will take me away. the day wanton and at one point my older brother came in and told me to stop cry. he picked me up and shook me and yelled in my ear. he asked me if i needed to go to a hospital forever because thats where I’m going if i don’t stop. i pushed my way out of his arms then onto my bed when my mom came in. you could see the burning anger in her eyes. i turned on my back covering my butt with my hands because i knew what she was going to do next. holding to the bed as tight as i could she tried to pull me off but couldn’t get me. my bed had tall white bed post that could unscrew from the frame and one was broken and sitting on the floor. she bends over quickly and like smashing a tomato next to my head slams it on the bed. missing by just the slightest it bounces back off my nose. when i finally go back to school, i tell my friends what happened to me. quickly they break out into a dark laughter. they called me bed post for months, but ill never forget what happened.