Charlotte

 i havent been on for a while, school is o.k. i have had so much homework which just adds to the oressure, but im getting through it. things have been weird lately to be perfectly honest.

have you ever been in a mood, but you’re not sure what mood?

you’re not sure if you are happy, or sad, or what.

that mood where you just want to scream then punch someone because there is no other way to express your emotion?

well thats me. thats what ive been like for about half a month now.

its infuriating.

its all getting worse again. all the emotions and thoughts that i hoped i would never have to face again are all rushing back and i dont think i will can be able to getr throught it this time. nothing i do is ever good enough and nothing i do is ever worth it. ive decided just to try and give up.

not give up on life just yet, just give up on trying.

i dont see the point so i will go to school but i will fail. i will talk to people, but i wont be interesting.

it wont really make alot of difference, but yea. […]

i need someone to talk to. i said in one of my previous posts that i made myself a promise to basically make myself be happier. now i seem and feel happier. most of the time.

since i seem happier, nobody really believes there is anything wrong with me anymore. nobody seems to care because nobody thinks i really have a problem.

i cry as soon as i get home because i like people thinking i am happy. last year i was just a sort-of known girl who didnt sayt alot . i didnt make a mark on anyones lives. no one would look back and say, […]

im so terrified. what if people find out about the scars on my legs. im having so many mood swings lately. sometimes im almost pfoud of the scars and other times i want my leg to just disappear. what if every one in my class finds out. what if he finds out. i dont know if i could handle it.

today was better.

this whole week has been awful. i get scared everytime someone laughs, or tries to talk to me, or even looks at me.

today i forced myself to be more confident and it was so hard, but by the end of the day, i wasnt even thinking about it. i talked to the guy i like and people seemed nicer to me. maybe if i make myself act this everyday, it will just become part of my personality.

i dont want to do this anymore. i want to call someone so maybe they could convince me not to do it, but i have no one. thinking about the future makes me feel so sick and i just dont want to be here for it.

what if i never get anywhere with my life. the thought of me not going to new york. not going to be a chef. that makes me feel physically sick. i cant handle it. its all too expensive. one course is $62978.52 i cant earn that by myeslf in four years. i cant even get a job until im 16. im going to be a failure nothing is going right im stupid and ugly and unnattractive and i just dont see any point anymore.

i dont want to be around just to kill myself when im 40 and havent been able to do any of the […]

why should i not kill myself?

im worthless.

i have nothing in life to look forward to. nothing interests me and everything just feels pointless.

i feel like i am living the same day over and over and over. different events, but every day has the exact same outcome. i cant take it anymore.

my mum has just told me that ‘no way in hell is she paying even a little bit for that damn school.’ new york is my one dream and i have never even thought about what would happen if i didnt get there. im not going. i cant go. new york is over.

my future will […]

I can’t do this anymore it’s just getting worse and worse everyday. trying to pretend I’m ok while my main focus is to stop myself from crying and screaming. no one is here. I regret 80 percent of evrerything I can remember and I just want it to stop, so I can’t do anything else I will regret

i have so much to write, but i dont really know how to say it. i wish i could say asdfghjkl; in real life.

i wish i could just go up to someone and yell anything, and they would know exactly how i was feeling and what to do.

ugh.

i wish.

first day of school. over. i did it.

let me just say, that school is a horrible invention. not the education part. i know, i am lucky to be getting a proper education, but the idea of putting 30-40 hormone filled teenagers in a small room for hours at a time is just cruel.

well there is this guy in my class. he used to like me. alot.

he liked me for three and a half years, right up untill he decided he was just too good for me. i understood. im not pretty or anything, and i had been given the chance to go out with him.

hes […]