Back to the beginning…
What the hell is wrong with me…
I can’t do anything right anymore…
I don’t want to live anymore.
I don’t care if I’m 16,
I don’t want to know what’s gonna happen down the road.
Nothing good is gonna come out of me in my future.
I was suppose to die as an infant anyways…
All I do is screw up…
My depression gets worse and worse everyday…
Everytime I screw up…
I’m done…
I don’t know what else to do…
It’s been so long.
Yet here I am, back where I started.
I can’t believe that a person could say this to me, with the knowledge that my brother is austistic…
“Respecting retards isn’t respectful. putting them out of their misery and doing them a favor, however… is.”
With that one sentence; that person has hurt me in every way possible.
He could have called me every name in the book: whore, dyke, ****, slut, *****, etc. and I wouldn’t have cared.
But having the balls to say that to me…to my brother…someone he doesn’t know….
How could someone say that?
How can they sleep at night knowing that by saying that they […]
It’s been awhile since I’ve been on this site.
Man, just when you think life gets better, it doesn’t.
From what I’m told I’m moving and ironically it’s in the same place my ex lives -.- don’t remember if I’ve mentioned that already in one of my older posts but w.e
I’m 16 and I remember when I was in grade 6 I remember promising myself that I would never drink until I was 18, never smoke, do drugs or even have sex until marriage, all I have to say is Ha!
I’m currently trying to buy a pack of cigs, tried weed and used a bong, never had […]
To be honest I have SO much pressure on myself for the future.
Not by my parents, not by my friends, no from myself.
I have an autistic brother who has stage 3 autism (basically can talk like a baby but is really smart, most of his classmates are abl to talk but not my brother.) and I have to take care of him when I’m older.
Meaning I have to get a good job and right now in high school I’m in all applied classes cuz I’m too dumb to gras anything academic, including math….ew.
But I just have so low self woth that […]
So it finally all comes down to this, I’m ending everything I once had.
How did I come to this conclusion? Ton’s of misery, sure to other’s I may have the perfect life, but that’s where they’re dead wrong.
Instead of venting about all my pathetic little problems like I usually do, and instead of seeking help in a more medical way, I’m ending what I use to call my life.
I have it all planned out.
Date (of Death): September 19th (My 16th birthday)
Cause: O.D (and if that doesn’t work suffocation, possibly hanging)
I’m gonna OD on whatever I can get my hands on, and well the other choices […]
I feel so odd at the moment.
My ex has been talking to me somewhat lately, he was talking to me more than usual a couple weeks before but now he’s just scaring me.
He went to bluesfest with some friends and two of the friends who were with him (also very good friend of mine we’ll call them Sally and Tom and my ex Matt) and some random person randomly bumped into Matt.
Tom and Sally both told me at different times but had the same story and others agreed with them, that Matt turned around and punched this kid and knocked him out cold.
Matt and I […]
I am freaking out right now.
My boyfriend hasn’t messaged me, and it’s been about an hour, I know that it may be a short period of time but he usually answer’s right away.
He has HCM (Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy) Which is pretty much the following:
“HCM is a form of heart muscle disease in which the muscular walls of the ventricles (lower chambers of the heart) become abnormally thickened.
The thickening of the heart muscle causes the muscle itself to function abnormally. The thickening also can cause the ventricles to become distorted, which can interfere with the function of the aortic valve and the mitral valve, which regulate blood […]
Fuck I’m going crazy.
I bitched at my boyfriend tonight for no reason, and when I get mad its hard to control.
Most the time you would think normal anger, no mine is implosive anger and I hate it.
It’s like something else entirely different takes over and spews out words to those I care about most, and it takes me forever to calm down.
I figure that if its getting this bad what will happen when I’m older?
Is this the kinda anger that murderers have?
I hate this so much and I want help so badly but I don’t think anyone could help me, not even anger management.
Is this […]
Are there those moments where you feel like crying for no reason? Or punching something with so much force you could practicially brutally damage a body part?
At this moment I feel like crying, with the help of so many thoughts and images racing through my mind.
I may be young for my age but I know my fair share of torture, yes I have it great in others eyes, but can they honestly see past my disguise, hiding what I’m truly feeling and not telling a soul?
I’ve been in so much pressure lately.
I’m moving in less than a month and we have to clean, paint, stage […]
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I am free,
That’s all that really needs to be said.
But if I am free; then why is it I still feel so empty?
Why do I still feel so dead….?
I thought I’d feel different somehow,
But I don’t; I feel more alone than ever.
What to do now,
So many possiblilties and secret endeavours.
Is solitude really all what it’s cracked up to be?
I remember it being more freeing.
Look at me,
What happened to me, what happened to this being?
I’ve changed so much,
I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.
I became everyone’s personal crutch,
And my image couldn’t get any less clearer.
I do not like what I see,
My solitude became my […]
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With each profound breath I take, I know that there is no way I can make it last.
 With each mistake I make,
 I know there is no way I can change the past.
  You take the breath right out of me,
 Making my skin a darker shade of blue.
 You left a hole where my heart should be,
 I will be the death of you.
  Feeling my life slip away,
 Taking a deep breath and feeling it rush out of me.
 With each passing day,
 I await the day I can start over completely.
  I know I can find the fire in your eyes,
 Knowing it’s hidden somewhere deep within.
 If only I can dodge all your lies,
 And […]
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Welp, I’m really pissed off -.-
Today I was suppose to hang out with my ex and his best friend (his friend and I kinda got involved after my ex broke up with me about a year and a half ago.)
This ex? Was my first. The reason why I’m pissed off? Multiple reasons.
First; as I said I was suppose to hang with my ex and his friend we’ll name them Matt (the ex) and Kyle (the friend). Matt has promised since the summer that we broke up that we could still be friends and hang out. Since the year and a half, I’ve only seen him, […]
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Well my life just went to shit.
My so-called boyfriend isn’t real.
Let me explain hopefully without getting into too many details.
I was dating this guy for awhile (internet relationship) and my friend set us up. Â (we’ll call her Julie and we’ll call my boyfriend Chris.)
Julie is a bisexual and I honestly didn’t have a problem with it until she started liking me. I thought it would stop but no.
She started touching me, she would walk behind me and drag her fingers across the center of my back and she would tug at my bra strap a couple of times, and she hooked me up with Chris […]
I wrote this again at another painful time, and I thought that maybe submitting and allowing you to read some of the poetry I have written would lower some of my walls and let you guys in and see through my eyes. Enjoy.
I don’t know where to start,
I feel as if I’m falling apart.
Reality is finally kicking in,
I just don’t know where to begin.
The weight of the world on my shoulders, making me cry for air,
Not like anyone would help me, no one would dare.
If only you could see the real me,
Buried underneath all this agony.
Hidden under all this ebony,
Therein lies a tragedy.
Wishing so desperately […]
A poem I wrote, maybe a little confusing but I wrote this at a more depressing time (in my eyes). Hope someone will like this.
My heart, always bleeding and always will be broken,
Waiting for it to be awoken.
Hidden deep within me,
Far beyond entry.
You will find a key,
One that will unlock me.
It is contained in a heart shaped box,
That is covered in dangerous locks.
Only the bravest will dare, if any at all,
Which leads to my great downfall.
My stupidity will surely be the end of me,
My dreams have been taken from me.
Hiding my heart shaped box,
Covered in dangerous locks.
Hidden deep below,
Where not even the bravest would dare […]
At some points in my life I feel absolutely still, like there’s nothing but silence, it hurts more tha the worst sounds.
I’m pulling away from everything and I don’t know why. I normally hang out with my two best friends, one’s a girly girl and the other…well she classifies herself as a scene, and I’m emo. But I usually talk with them every morning but I didn’t today, and I have no idea why.
They asked later on “what’s wrong” I just said I wanted to be focused on school (if you knew me you would figure out that I detest, loath school and want nothing […]
I’m 15 years old and have finally decided that after all my older posts, all my rants, I’m gonna commit suicide.
Not sure yet and how yet tho, thts the only prob.
I’m not going to bore you people with my story, seeing as its not all that exciting or saddening, lets just say tht I have my reasons.
If I did decide to live I would be turning 16 on the 19th of September, I would have become a pyschologist and a writer on the side, I would’ve had about 3-4 kids maybe even adopt some and wouldn’ve tried having the best life I could.
But tht’s the […]
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 So now I’m really broken.
One of my ex’s/best friends is almost dead, but he’s still clinging to life on life support.
I realize I still kinda like him.
But then I have two other guys that like me, one of them is his foster brother.
I’m aware I probably sound like a conceided ***** but honestly,
not this many guys have liked me before, I have shown a picture of myself on one of my older posts,
and I’m told I’m attractive even though I personally don’t think I am. I’m gonna add a picture for those of you to see.
I’m also very aware I shouldn’t be advertising myself but […]
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I’ve just about had it.
I’ve been called a dyke and a closet lesbian for the past couple of months now, when I’m straight -.-
Am I not allowed to have close “girl” friends!? The people in my school are fucked in the head.
I don’t know why I keep logging on this site….I’m 15, turning 16 this year.
I know I shouldn’t listen to what anyone says but this is now and it sucks, majorly.
Also I feel like the most morally repugnant thing in the world. My friends are really pretty and well all the guys fall for them.
Whereas I only had one bf and I’m emo, who […]
I don’t know what the hell to do anymore.
Its been awhile since I’ve been on this site and actually write something down concerning my feelings that I lock away.
To start off I’m failing all my classes (apparently) and may have to do summer school, which I never havedone before.
Second off I can’t seem to get anything right anymore. Does anyone ever blank out but its very consistant? I feel like I’m slowly turning into a veggie.
I’ve been feeling under the weather lately so I am missing school, 14 days in English and Math. Math is my worse subject I literally can’t do it and this […]
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